A Swift Doula Blog, Chicago

Jill of All Trades: Making a baby Carrier

1/28/2015

*** Edited to include photo of my 3 year-old and I using this carrier at the bottom of the post. She is currently about 35 pounds.

This is the first installment of Jill of All Trades. A look into the other things I do in my life that aren't doula work.

Today, I'm very excited to share with you a project I have made several of, including one for myself when I was carrying around a wee one: a sling style baby carrier.

*NOTE - I am just a mom who knows how to sew and wanted to make something I couldn't afford to buy when I had a baby. If you are not confident in your ability to produce something that your child will be carried in, then by all means, don't try this at (your) home.

So! A sling style carrier. I was first introduced to these by following some baby wearing mommas on Instagram. I was curious about woven wraps and would have loved to try some more intricate ways to have my baby on my body, but in reality, I needed something fast and easy. A ring style carrier provides simple operation, and quality snuggles.

Step 1 - Get some fabric. Get some rings. Get some thread.

You will need between 2.5-3 yards of fabric, depending on your size. I got 3 plus, because LOOK HOW ADORABLE THIS FABRIC IS. So yeah. I'll be adding a chunk to my swollen fabric stash.

There is no reason to spend millions of dollars on the fabric you want, if only because JoAnn's gives out 40% coupons like they're dirty napkins. So, if you don't have a specific pattern in mind head on over there after grabbing a coupon online and visit their cotton section. (If you care about coordinating thread, while you're there, pick that up too. I recommend Gutermann Brand)

Materials that work with ring slings:

cotton
silks
linen

Materials that I do not recommend:

jersey knit - it is too stretchy and you don't want that babe sagging and not snug to your chest. Jersey is great for a wrap around your body style (such as a Moby), but it is not great for cinching tight and not slipping, which is what we want.
Thick fabric - this includes outdoor decorative fabrics, tweeds, heavy wool (although there is some light weight wool that may work), etc. You'll see when we attach the fabric to the ring why having any extra thickness will be a headache.

Note on the RINGS -

The rings you use should have no gaps, breaks, or cracks. I can not find rings in stores, so I buy mine from SlingRings.com. Pick the size and color that will be best for your project. This site also has helpful links, a sewing pattern, and all around great ring sling stuff.

Step 2 - Wash the fabric & Iron the fabric (if cotton)

When I quilt, I sometimes purposefully do not wash my fabric so after it's completed it has a wavy, rumpled effect that can be pleasing and homey. However, I believe washing the fabric before using it will lower your stress of seems splitting, tugging, or pulling on stitches.

Step 3 - Cut length and width

Determine your desired length. You can do this by wrapping the fabric around yourself to see what is comfortable, and allow for about 18inches of tail. For me, I'm cutting it to 74 inches. I'm 5'6", and 140 pounds.

For Width, you will want the fabric to be make a nice size pocket, as that is where your baby's bum will be sitting. I am cutting it to 31 inches.

Step 4 - Hem one side of the length.

This takes some time, but get out your pins (or free hand if you are comfortable) and make a 1/2 hem. If you ironed your fabric, you can press this hem down to make it easier.

Step 5 -Make some pleats.

This may be tricky. The basic concept is to create folds that overlap.

Start with the long side that you did NOT hem. Fold it over then back on itself and pin. See image. Next, grab the fabric about 1 inch out from the pins, pinch, and fold it under. Repeat this over and over until you get to the other side of the fabric.

Step 6 - Sew the pleats.

Next, sew across the pleats with three rows of zig zag stitches about 3 inches apart. See below. when I do this, before sewing, I make the top pleats a bit closer together, then lt it gradually widen with each row.

Step 7 - put the fabric through both rings

Step 8 - Attaching the Rings

Fold over the end of the fabric back on itself, with the rings inside the fold. Then sew with zig zag stitch. THIS is where it's beneficial to not have super think fabric. I use a heavy duty needle for denim and leather to avoid breaking needles at this point (been there done that, btw.)

This should be reinforced with a straight stitch right above the row of zig zag. Reinforce this so there are a total of three lines of stitches binding the fabrics together. The photo only shows two.

Step 9 - Hem the bottom of the fabric
Step 10 - WEAR THAT BABY!

For safe baby wearing help you can visit Babywearing International.
Or you can watch some videos on YouTube like this one.
If you have trouble threading and adjusting, this video is great too.

This lovely sling is being sent to a dear family member who is expecting #2!

I didn't wear Harper all the time, but I used it often and we both loved it. Here are some photos below of our time slingin' it.

So I want to know: Do you baby wear? What did you find worked well for you?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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I have a Husband, He will Be my Doula...right?

1/26/2015

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I'm sorry to say, but No. (This is the short answer.) Your husband will not be your doula.

Going into your delivery, your role is very clear - you get to give birth to your baby. The role of your husband and the role of your doula are also very important, but different. Let me explain...

*Your Husband/Partner In Labor
Your husband/partner is the person that is emotionally invested in you and your child. This person will know your fears and history throughout your journey to this point, and they will have all of your feelings, cares, and expectations at the forefront of their minds.

This person will be someone you will be comfortable being around, and will provide calm and resolve the way only an intimate partner can. This is the person you have decided to do this with, this parenting thing - this is your together-in-this-beautiful-crazy-adventure person.

Your husband/partner will be able to connect with you on an emotional level that no other person can, as you created this baby together, and (for many) are entering into parenthood side-by-side, heart-to-heart, with great joy and great excitement.

*The Doula in Labor
The doula is present in your pregnancy to educate, and then support, the decisions you decide are best for you and your baby. Resources are provided, and referrals can be made with the healthy relationships she has cultivated in the community.

Once at the birth, the doula is there to provide assurance and support. The education that was provided prenatally will be ever ready should you or your partner have questions. The doula will be trained to push on exactly the right spot when you need it, and will be able to suggest ways to help ease pain.

But what is hard to convey until in the moment is when you are feeling contractions, and your doula is right there, eye to eye, showing you that YOU are normal, and what you are feeling is normal. In those moments, a doula's worth is more than information, but in connection to where you are.

There is great power in birth: physically, emotionally, and mentally. As your doula, it is a heady time when your needs and my intuition sync in such a way that I can't help but feel connected to you as each contraction moves through the room, just like the contractions moved through countless women before you. Your partner is there giving you comfort, I am there giving you a calm presence and a mirror to see your own strength with.

When you have that lovely combination of medical care from a provider you trust, emotional support from your partner, and physical support from your doula, you will be supported by an incredible birth team!

Did you have a doula at your birth? What were your partner's reflections on having a doula after the fact? I'd love to know!

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Now You Get to Be The Guide

1/21/2015

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We receive all sorts of guidance in life. Tour guides, guidance counselors, instructors...

A guide is (so says Mr. Webster)

a person who leads or directs other people on a journey
a person who shows and explains the interesting things in a place
a person who helps to direct another person's behavior, life, career, etc.

Now compared to the definition of a parent:

a person who is a father or mother : a person who has a child
an animal or plant that produces a young animal or plant
something out of which another thing has developed

Do you see how you are the first, and possibly, the greatest guide for your young child in this life?

There is a great post on Just Wanderlust about characteristics of a great tour guide. If you have been reading my blog, you may remember I have a fond appreciation for tours. I believe all of the points can be related to parenting but some favorites are:

From the section on time management -

"A great tour guide is aware of the start and end time but is flexible with the time and will tailor the day based on your interests and your time constraints. Great tour guides never rush you as they are on your schedule."

Children don't know about clocks or time. They don't know what being patient means. They don't know that you have a tight schedule, or even what a schedule is. As parents, keeping kids going in the direction we need them to and at a pace we need them to is difficult. But sometimes it is possible to literally, stop and smell the roses. And look at the color. And talk about thorns and bugs, and dirt, and rain, and oh look! That flower is pretty too! ...and you are now enjoying the whole garden.

Another great section is on color commentary -

"A great tour guide is a gifted story teller who is passionate about the attraction he’s showing you. His historical accounts will take you back in time. He’ll weave in personal anecdotes about what it’s like to live there including the good, the bad, and the ugly… and you’ll even laugh. He’ll not only tell you about the culture, he’ll incorporate some cultural experiences into the tour (e.g., stopping for mint tea in Morocco or sampling putrefied shark in Iceland). He’ll talk to you like you are long-time friend in town for a visit."

Kids love stories. In fact, research shows that children who are read to are more likely to remain life long learners, not because of vocabulary or content of the story, but because an emotional bond was established with a parent at an early age when being read to.

But stories don't just come from books. They can come from our minds and our lives. Tell your child a story. Any kind will do. They will benefit regardless of the topic.

And the last bit I'll share from this great post, is about the initial introduction to a group.

"The best guides spend the tour getting to know the guests on the tour that day and not in an intrusive way but in a way that shows genuine interest. It could be during the car ride, over lunch/drinks, or as you walk from site to site."

Your child is someone you are getting to know. They will change, like new things, learn new things, and change. As parents, it is important to know who your child is right now. What does you child like right now, not yesterday. This comes from asking questions, and then listening to what they say. No, not just listening, but really hearing them.

With babies, it can be difficult, as language is not a skill they are able to master until later. But they speak through smiles, they speak through curiosity, they speak through (yes, this too) showing displeasure. So, are you hearing your child?

One of my favorite times in my day is the drive to daycare in the morning, and the drive home when daycare is done. It is a short few moments, where my daughter is sharing exciting things that are in her head. Every morning, we have our rituals: we round a bend and see the Chicago Skyline and shout, "Good morning Chicago!" and off we go, talking about the color of Lake Michigan that day, if the birds are napping in the harbor or if the fishermen have caught anything. We talk about what she would like to do when I pick her up, and we sing silly songs.

She and I don't have a meeting at the table with pencil and paper to discuss these things, but they happen, in real time. I know that these little snippets will make harder conversations later in life come a bit easier. And then, I will be a guide in a different way - talking and listening about bullies in school, talking and listening about persistence, and talking and listening about about her goals.

The crazy thing about this whole guide/guided journey, is she is my guide also. It is not just give give give. And it isn't just take take take. We get to help each other, guide each other through this parent/child relationship. For her and I, it started even before she was born- her telling me through position and discomfort how to move my body so she could best travel into the world. It won't end until, hopefully, a very long time has passed.

I am so excited for this adventure!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Legacy

1/20/2015

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Some people have children because they need to see themselves in the next generation. They need to know that part of them will live on after their own short life is over. They need a family legacy to share in the history of those who have worked so hard before them. They need someone to remember. They need to add something to this life.

Recently we suffered a great loss in our family. My husband's father passed away on December 31st and this last weekend we laid his ashes to rest. I really can't stop myself from thinking about how birth and death are such incredible things.

Being a birth doula, I am surrounded by unlimited potential. So many wonderful humans are being born everyday and they are already remarkable. And as soon as those bundles of joy are here, parents are born too, and they have choices to make and (POOF!) just like that, the pressure is on to be good, and right, and correct. (Although, as a parent, I have found there is great power and importance in allowing space for "wrong.")

And this is where we get down to the point: our legacy is something we have power over. How we are remembered is something we can influence through our actions, goals, and conversations. What we leave isn't just stuff, but feelings, ideas, memories.

As a parent, what do I want my child to remember about me and her time with me? As a doula, how am I adding value to my profession and my community? Why am I here?

These thoughts are helping me see through some of this groggy fog of grief. Hearing the wonderful stories about my father-in-law are refreshing and uplifting. The small part of life I witnessed was only a slice of his - he had 67 years of relationships that left their mark.

Just yesterday, the information that is in the image above was shared on social media. It struck such a chord with me that I had to stop and evaluate how I was conducting myself. I agree with the statement above and I needed to check myself against what it is encouraging.

I felt stronger/better in her presence. Yes. I want women to feel stronger in my presence. I want to lift up and not tear down.

She always did what she said. I want to be a mom of my word. I want to be a doula of my word. I want to be a business owner of my word. I want my statements to be meaningful.

She increased acceptance and compassion in others. Yes, I want to increase acceptance and compassion. I want to help bridge sides. I want to help grow understanding and tolerance.

She instilled strength in our daughters. YES. I want to instill strength in my daughter, and your daughter. I want the daughters of this world to be brave and fearless. I believe my last post speaks directly to this.

She educated the masses. I am not a trained teacher, but I will share my knowledge with any that will listen (or read, dear Reader). Knowledge is what started me on the path to this profession, and helping other mothers have knowledge to make decisions that are best for their families will be a steady driving force in my work. Women with information are unstoppable.

She encouraged open-mindedness. There is a saying, that the world is a book, and if you don't travel, you are only reading the first page. I want to encourage women to read past the first page of their autobiography. I want women to dive into themselves, their feelings, their histories and their prejudices. Ask questions - of yourself, of your care provider, of your surroundings, of your understanding of normal. I want to help open doors to the millions of possible answers.

She left her family a financial success. Yes. I don't think there is anyone that doesn't want this. But I want it so badly and share why it is so important to my daughter. I want to share with her that relationships should be shared because you want to share them, you want to be in them, not because you have to be in them. And I know this looks different for every family, but I know what this looks like for me.

Although these traits are labeled The Legacy of a Doula, they ring true outside of business. And perhaps that is a greater legacy: genuine, knowledgeable, available, and steadfast.

As Heidi Shulista from Kansas City Doulas asks, "For what will you be remembered? For whom are you living?"

So do you know, for what will YOU be remembered? For whom are YOU living?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Forced Affection: Why I won't Make My Child Hug You

1/12/2015

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There are a lot of people that keep tabs on my daughter. She is loved by her family of aunts, uncles and grandparents, naturally. But she also has an army of affection from the extended friends, and friends of friends that are a part of our world.

My husband is a part of a close group of people, some of which have know each other since nursery school. My mother in law is a force of connected energy and was into social networking before the internet existed. Plus, my daughter is awesome, so there's that. (That's her in the photo above.)

And as much as I love these people and they love us, sometimes there are hurt feelings because my daughter does not always participate in the cultural exchange of hugging goodbye. And I won't make her.

I didn't always feel this way, but here I am, un-apologetically saying goodbye to friends in my own way, and letting my daughter say goodbye in hers, hug, handshake, wave, or blank stare.

See, she is watching. She doesn't understand everything, (obviously, as a 3 year old) and I want her to watch. I want her to engage in the behavior that feels comfortable, and I want her interactions to be genuine.

Most importantly, I want her to feel like she is the master of her body and what happens with it and to it.

And this goes for me to, as her mom, of a sometimes-raging toddler. When we are in the middle of a tickle attack, and she says stop, I stop, even if it is totally obvious that she wants to keep playing the game. I want the word "stop" to mean something. I want her to know I respect her space and her body. I want her to have control.

Granted, she is learning. When she is thrashing on the floor because life is freaking hard, sometimes I need to pick her up and put her somewhere safe before she keeps on thrashing.

But thrash on girl. Get it out.

Sometimes, she has so many feelings that she doesn't know what to do, and I ask if I can scoop her up and hug her. I don't always hear her say yes, but I scoop her up and hug her until her tiny body isn't taken hostage by All The Things, what ever they are. And she takes a big sigh, she puts her head on my shoulder, or she looks at me with huge tears on her cheeks, and she can tell me what she is feeling.

If I teach my daughter that she has to hug people even if she doesn't want to, what am I really saying? Am I telling her that other people's desires are greater than her own? Am I telling her that her embrace is something that adults get to direct, rule over, and dictate?

What I can show is that when we are spending time with people we love, hugging is a way to share our joy of being with that person. I can show that being close to other people isn't scary, and that touch has meaning.

Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.

If I can get this message across to her through examples of love, then it also reasons that she will understand why hitting is hurtful, that people's feelings are connected to how they are treated, and that feelings are valid.

*Disclaimer: I'm making this up as I go along.* I've not read any books that tell me this is how one should parent. All this comes from watching my daughter interact with loads of (what I know to be) wonderful people, and my daughter trying to interpret the situations.

Self esteem. It starts early. So just as I say with my daughter, "I am smart, I am brave, I can do anything!" I also tell her that she is the boss of her body. That she gets to take herself where she wants in life, and she gets to take care of it for the rest of her life.

Does this resonate with you?

Authored by A Swift Doula.

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She Already Hates Me

1/11/2015

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"She's acting like I just dipped her in acid. Is that normal?"

I had just showed up for the night's postpartum visit, and bath time had just ended. The baby was not calm, relaxed, and ready for bed, like the book said she would be.

"Is this how this is supposed to go?"
"The book is telling us to set up a routine. Do we have to go through this every night?"

Mom and dad and trying to do the right thing. It is evident in every move and every choice they are making.

The baby gets dried off. A diaper is put on. A bottle is given. Baby is bright red from the night's activities.

Dad looks down at her and looks horribly worried. "She already hates me."

This is part of the trials of being a parent. Making choices, seeing how they go, and adjusting. There are no manuals for how to care for your child. Sure there ARE manuals, but no guarantee it's for your model of baby, if you get what I mean.

I can show you how to swaddle your baby. I can talk about easier ways to bathe and dress your child. I can help you understand how to help calm a fussy baby. But you get to be the expert in your child.

It doesn't feel like though, does it? Some days you are banging your head against all those parenting books. Some days it's almost impossible to remember that you are the adult and you are supposed to have the answers.

What I've learned in the short time I've been a parent, is that making choices and trying are what are important. Being a safe place for your child to rest and be loved are important, but as I'm learning from some wonderful parents out there, being deliberate and consistent are important as well. Here is a blog post that was shared by Northeast Doulas, and I want to share it as well.

Rules Without Relationship Breeds Rebellion

I encourage you to read this post and sit with it. Does it resonate? Does it make sense?

The family with the baby that was screaming like she was dipped in acid are a long way off from having daily conversations with their adolescent or teenaged children. But what translates to infants just as well as older children is Jenni and Jody's statement that kids need quality time together, and in large quantities.

You've heard parents complain, "My baby wants to be held all the time!" or "She is asleep, and as soon as I put her down she starts screaming."

Building trust, letting your baby know that you will be there to provide and care for their every need, even if it is just to be held, is the beginning of an open relationship.

So no, your baby doesn't hate you. She just hates being apart from you.

What about you? How have you built trust with your children as they grow?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Gifts Of Security

1/3/2015

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Growing up at the end of a dirt road in Eastern Washington State gave me strong memories of security. We never locked the doors. We all (4 kids in my family) knew how to cook, wash clothes, and light the fire at an age that may be considered barbaric to some today.

We learned to drive a car long before we could reach the pedels, as mom would sit us on her lap and let us steer. (And because my mom had a tendency to lock her keys in the car, we all knew how to Jimmy the door.)

And long before cell phones, we all knew how to make a collect phone call, a skill my mother probably regretted teaching when on summer vacation with our father, we called her everyday from a pay phone at Yellowstone National Park. (To our credit, during the time when the operator allowed the caller to announce whom was speaking, we would race a message to mom then she would deny the charges! Himommissyouloveyou!)

Besides the fact that there are no longer payphones to use, or that cell phones have made calling collect a thing of the past, I no longer live at the end of a dirt road in rural eastern Washington State. I live in Chicago.

But the type of security that adults think about and the type of things that make children feel secure, are totally different things. Or so I thought until I found this story.

Malik is a 7th grader living in Chicago's Englewood neighborhood, and all he wanted for Christmas this last year was to be safe. It just breaks my heart.

“I barely can’t even go outside anymore, can’t ride my bike, can’t play ball, can’t go play with my cousins, because you have to watch your back every 30 seconds,” Malik says.

There is very little I can do or Malik's parents can do to improve crime in Chicago. But what can I do? How can I help my child feel safe in a city where there were 408 reported homicides in 2014.

The National Center for PTSD say the best thing for children who have witnessed community violence is...a caring adult.

And that is something my daughter will always have. I will listen to her. I will spend time with her. And she will have a network of other caring adults she can talk with should something happen to me.

And really, when I think back to my mom teaching me how to make a collect call, that is what she was doing. She was always available to talk. She was always there to listen.

So even if my daughter doesn't witness community violence (nd I hope it is a very long time before she has to worry about such things) I know I'm earning her trust. When she gets older and we have the struggles that will come from her wanting independence and separation from her parents, I hope she knows she'll always be able to call me and ask for help or share sad news.

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Jill of All Trades: Making a baby Carrier

I have a Husband, He will Be my Doula...right?

Now You Get to Be The Guide

Legacy

Forced Affection: Why I won't Make My Child Hug You

She Already Hates Me

Gifts Of Security

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