A Swift Doula Blog, Chicago

Scapegoat Doula

8/14/2015

It is not often, but there are times when I am the Scapegoat Doula.

It is not a comfortable spot to be, but it is recognized by birth workers that sometimes families need a release of tension and anger. Sometime it comes out as blame. And sometimes that blame is laid upon the doula.

Birth is unpredictable. A "perfect" pregnancy can turn into a high risk delivery extremely fast. A well-progressing labor can turn into an emergency cesarean delivery. Families are left with little opportunity to choose any option other than to follow their care provider's lead.

People know that they are not medical experts and they should take their care providers advice. But doing so doesn't mean feelings of disappointment, confusion, and helplessness are easy to manage or understand.

Families may be left asking:

Why did this happen?
Why couldn't I stop it?
What went wrong?

And under it all, "WHY DIDN'T I GET TO CHOOSE?!"

The loss of participation is extremely unnerving. The handing over of one's body to be surgically cared for is not the image of child birth that makes many women get warm fuzzy feelings. The sudden care by professionals is one of the many reasons women are happy to have birth in hospitals, but the hope is that those services will never be used.

In instances an immediate medical response is necessary, families search for answers. They look for reasons why. They want a cause for the effect.

And sadly, it is not such an easy thing to find for some.

With as much as we know about birth and bodies, there is still no way to know what path a woman's labor will take.

"I knew that it was time for the babies to come. I went in for the cesarean, but then, they couldn't get the spinal placed right. I heard them talking normally, sometimes directly to me, but then they got quite and were whispering to each other. I couldn't see anything. Then the baby was born but they said he had to go straight to the NICU. Then I was horrible nauseous, and I said I didn't feel right. I wake up and was in a different room, and it seemed like four people had their hands inside my body. Then I was told I might need an emergency hysterectomy. They got it under control, but I needed blood transfusions and no one could tell me what was going on."

Hiring a labor doula does not guarantee an outcome. Having a doula scheduled for postpartum care does not guarantee any result. BUT, hiring a doula for your labor or recovery means you won't be alone. And by sheer proximity, sometimes the doula is the emotional dump for the mother, partner, or the whole family.

And that is ok.

I can be that person for you.

You can unload anything on to me.

I am your doula.

If your mother needs to send me angry text messages; I can read them, call her back, and talk her through what is going on.

If your partner is freaking out and wants someone to blame; I can be blamed, I can be yelled at, I can take it.

If you are angry and are confronted with feelings you don't know what to do with, you can yell and scream, and cry, and be angry with me if you need to.

I can take it. I am your doula.

Doulas are present and helpful for birth and postpartum, and sometimes those events aren't completely happy and joyous. It isn't talked about. But it is real.

Doulas are there for you thorough any situation. Your goals become our goals for labor and recovery, and when goals aren't met, we know that those feeling are in direct disagreement with your vision of success.

But even when your original version of a successful situation is shattered, your doula will be there to help you pick up the pieces, and be with you, still without judgement, because when there is no known reason why unfortunate events happen, you should hear that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It is not your fault.

You are not broken.

It is not your fault.

So know that a doula is not just for unmedicated birth. Know that a doula is not just for position changes and encouragement through labor. Know that a doula is there to help with the hard feelings just as much as the joyful feelings.

I can help carry the load you bear. I hope you won't need to use this part of my care, but please know that you can.

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Secure Decisions

4/30/2015

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I had never heard of Heather B. Armstrong. But apparently I have been living under a rock because when I looked at her description on Mom 2.0 Summit 2015 it lists her as " widely acknowledged to be the most popular “mommyblogger” in the world"

Well I raise my glass to Heather B. Armstrong! Her words, shared with me by Rebecca Woolf on her Instagram, just rang and rang in my head all day.

Ms. Woolf quotes Ms. Armstrong as saying, "Defensiveness steals your energy and demands that you explain yourself to people who will deliberately and maliciously misinterpret you. It's a waste of time, like screaming into a vacuum."

As parents, daughters, humans, business owners...whatever you are out there... these words are a wonderful dose of honesty. We are all going to encounter people that are looking to ruffle feathers and poke parts that are tender. And for many of us, they are going to do a pretty good job of making us feel pretty horrible.

Feel horrible about what?

That's the crazy part, there is a troll for everything out there. For instance...

You are going to have an epidural? Crazy!
You are going to have an unmedicated birth? Crazy!

You are going to have a planned Cesarean? That's horrible!
You are going to agree to an induction? That's horrible!
You are going to go past your due date? You're crazy!

But instead of feeling defensive, what if we respond securely and respectfully?

Recent Placenta Service Announcement
Recently I posted about a new service offering: Placenta Encapsulation as a Postpartum Placenta Specialist. I wanted to be extremely clear about the standard and reasons why my offerings are structured in a particular way.

(It all comes down to eliminating risk and operating safely while working with a woman's organ.)

There was some backlash - not from clients, but from other women in this field. You are welcome to look through the comments.

Just like some of the decisions I have made in my parenting life were not looked upon fondly, some of my business decision have/will endure the same negative energy.

Regardless of what other doulas think I should do, I want my clients to know I will not sacrifice my safety, or theirs, for my personal convenience or as a reaction of shame.

I support your decisions for your birth and your postpartum period. I hope my stance on placenta service shows my dedication to a woman's safety as she moves through the early transition of life with a newborn.

I took strength from Heather B. Armstrong's words. If you need help to find strength in your labor or postpartum time, perhaps I can help you.

Authored by A Swift Doula

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World Doula Week - The invaluable side Of Doula Care

3/23/2015

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Yesterday, I shared that before becoming a doula, I had a wonderful, stable job working for Barnes & Noble. I had insurance! I had vacation days! I had access to interesting people with interesting things to say and I was helping my community through literacy! It was (how many more exclamation points do you need.....) ah-mazing!!!

And I made the choice to leave it.

I then made the choice to become a doula. A year and a half after starting my career as a doula, I became a ProDoula.

When I was introduced to ProDoula through a woman named Randy Patterson, a few things happened:

I stopped feeling guilty for needing to make a living
I realized my attraction to this work was not just as a woman doing women's work, but it was a deep seeded need in me to be WITH women.

For me, finding ProDoula was the key to a very large pad lock that opened feelings and memories that I had pushed away. Why? Because they didn't make me feel good! Because of judgement, disappointment, or guilt. And women are criticized for our feelings, aren't we? So I put them away.

And Randy Patterson and the other women I have been doing this work WITH, crawled in that deep dark space with me while sitting on Debbie Aglietti's basement floor. And they showed me what it was like to really be with Women's Women. Women who love other women. Women who want big, inspiring things. Women who understand that we will all do those big inspiring things in our own creative ways.

I was a good doula before I became a ProDoula. I knew all the right questions, I pushed on all the rights spots, I had the right information. But after ProDoula, I finally really understood the need, and power of women showing empathy.

Real support. Non-judgmental support. Being in the dark cave, together.

And as I unlocked all of the pain, guilt, and disappointment, I started to let other things go too. I started to let my "character flaws" out and stretch their sore limbs.

Turns out, what I thought was flippancy was the ability to adapt. Turns out what I thought was being bossy, was in fact my ability to be a decisive doer.

I came back from an amazing experience and I started to try out this new self, with all my feelings and memories and baggage out for any who took a minute to see it. And I started believing that my voice was powerful.

And I now with this found voice, I learned to be much better listener. I see and hear women trying to navigate through a world where pregnancy has made their own emotions a little closer to the top - those emotions are a little easier to access.

Those emotions and fears are valuable. They are valid. They are good.

I walk into a woman's living room, and her emotions get all over her face, and she feels bad. She feels wrong. And I get so sit with her, and look at her emotions on her face, and nose and hands and tissues, and be with her. And say that those emotions sound really hard and I am so glad she shared those really hard emotions with me.

It isn't a space many people are willing to go. My work lets me go there. I get to go there! I get to be a real women with other real women.

And this is only a small part of the work that I do.

But this is the invaluable part. This is the part that gets hard to explain in a fee.

I talk about my on-call schedule. I talk about being available on the phone. I talk about specific hours of time and things like how many times we will meet, because in our society, these are the things that can be measured and checked off a list. (And they are important too!)

But today, during World Doula Week, I wanted to talk a bit about what else the fee covers. Non-judgmental support. Being WITH you in labor. Having a person in the room who is comfortable with all the ugly baggage and still looks you in the face and says, hey I see you over there. Don't worry, I see you.

Authored by A Swift Doula

Other amazing writers are getting the word out about World Doula Week. Visit the World Doula Week Blog Challenge Blog Hop.

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Now You Get to Be The Guide

1/21/2015

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We receive all sorts of guidance in life. Tour guides, guidance counselors, instructors...

A guide is (so says Mr. Webster)

a person who leads or directs other people on a journey
a person who shows and explains the interesting things in a place
a person who helps to direct another person's behavior, life, career, etc.

Now compared to the definition of a parent:

a person who is a father or mother : a person who has a child
an animal or plant that produces a young animal or plant
something out of which another thing has developed

Do you see how you are the first, and possibly, the greatest guide for your young child in this life?

There is a great post on Just Wanderlust about characteristics of a great tour guide. If you have been reading my blog, you may remember I have a fond appreciation for tours. I believe all of the points can be related to parenting but some favorites are:

From the section on time management -

"A great tour guide is aware of the start and end time but is flexible with the time and will tailor the day based on your interests and your time constraints. Great tour guides never rush you as they are on your schedule."

Children don't know about clocks or time. They don't know what being patient means. They don't know that you have a tight schedule, or even what a schedule is. As parents, keeping kids going in the direction we need them to and at a pace we need them to is difficult. But sometimes it is possible to literally, stop and smell the roses. And look at the color. And talk about thorns and bugs, and dirt, and rain, and oh look! That flower is pretty too! ...and you are now enjoying the whole garden.

Another great section is on color commentary -

"A great tour guide is a gifted story teller who is passionate about the attraction he’s showing you. His historical accounts will take you back in time. He’ll weave in personal anecdotes about what it’s like to live there including the good, the bad, and the ugly… and you’ll even laugh. He’ll not only tell you about the culture, he’ll incorporate some cultural experiences into the tour (e.g., stopping for mint tea in Morocco or sampling putrefied shark in Iceland). He’ll talk to you like you are long-time friend in town for a visit."

Kids love stories. In fact, research shows that children who are read to are more likely to remain life long learners, not because of vocabulary or content of the story, but because an emotional bond was established with a parent at an early age when being read to.

But stories don't just come from books. They can come from our minds and our lives. Tell your child a story. Any kind will do. They will benefit regardless of the topic.

And the last bit I'll share from this great post, is about the initial introduction to a group.

"The best guides spend the tour getting to know the guests on the tour that day and not in an intrusive way but in a way that shows genuine interest. It could be during the car ride, over lunch/drinks, or as you walk from site to site."

Your child is someone you are getting to know. They will change, like new things, learn new things, and change. As parents, it is important to know who your child is right now. What does you child like right now, not yesterday. This comes from asking questions, and then listening to what they say. No, not just listening, but really hearing them.

With babies, it can be difficult, as language is not a skill they are able to master until later. But they speak through smiles, they speak through curiosity, they speak through (yes, this too) showing displeasure. So, are you hearing your child?

One of my favorite times in my day is the drive to daycare in the morning, and the drive home when daycare is done. It is a short few moments, where my daughter is sharing exciting things that are in her head. Every morning, we have our rituals: we round a bend and see the Chicago Skyline and shout, "Good morning Chicago!" and off we go, talking about the color of Lake Michigan that day, if the birds are napping in the harbor or if the fishermen have caught anything. We talk about what she would like to do when I pick her up, and we sing silly songs.

She and I don't have a meeting at the table with pencil and paper to discuss these things, but they happen, in real time. I know that these little snippets will make harder conversations later in life come a bit easier. And then, I will be a guide in a different way - talking and listening about bullies in school, talking and listening about persistence, and talking and listening about about her goals.

The crazy thing about this whole guide/guided journey, is she is my guide also. It is not just give give give. And it isn't just take take take. We get to help each other, guide each other through this parent/child relationship. For her and I, it started even before she was born- her telling me through position and discomfort how to move my body so she could best travel into the world. It won't end until, hopefully, a very long time has passed.

I am so excited for this adventure!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Legacy

1/20/2015

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Some people have children because they need to see themselves in the next generation. They need to know that part of them will live on after their own short life is over. They need a family legacy to share in the history of those who have worked so hard before them. They need someone to remember. They need to add something to this life.

Recently we suffered a great loss in our family. My husband's father passed away on December 31st and this last weekend we laid his ashes to rest. I really can't stop myself from thinking about how birth and death are such incredible things.

Being a birth doula, I am surrounded by unlimited potential. So many wonderful humans are being born everyday and they are already remarkable. And as soon as those bundles of joy are here, parents are born too, and they have choices to make and (POOF!) just like that, the pressure is on to be good, and right, and correct. (Although, as a parent, I have found there is great power and importance in allowing space for "wrong.")

And this is where we get down to the point: our legacy is something we have power over. How we are remembered is something we can influence through our actions, goals, and conversations. What we leave isn't just stuff, but feelings, ideas, memories.

As a parent, what do I want my child to remember about me and her time with me? As a doula, how am I adding value to my profession and my community? Why am I here?

These thoughts are helping me see through some of this groggy fog of grief. Hearing the wonderful stories about my father-in-law are refreshing and uplifting. The small part of life I witnessed was only a slice of his - he had 67 years of relationships that left their mark.

Just yesterday, the information that is in the image above was shared on social media. It struck such a chord with me that I had to stop and evaluate how I was conducting myself. I agree with the statement above and I needed to check myself against what it is encouraging.

I felt stronger/better in her presence. Yes. I want women to feel stronger in my presence. I want to lift up and not tear down.

She always did what she said. I want to be a mom of my word. I want to be a doula of my word. I want to be a business owner of my word. I want my statements to be meaningful.

She increased acceptance and compassion in others. Yes, I want to increase acceptance and compassion. I want to help bridge sides. I want to help grow understanding and tolerance.

She instilled strength in our daughters. YES. I want to instill strength in my daughter, and your daughter. I want the daughters of this world to be brave and fearless. I believe my last post speaks directly to this.

She educated the masses. I am not a trained teacher, but I will share my knowledge with any that will listen (or read, dear Reader). Knowledge is what started me on the path to this profession, and helping other mothers have knowledge to make decisions that are best for their families will be a steady driving force in my work. Women with information are unstoppable.

She encouraged open-mindedness. There is a saying, that the world is a book, and if you don't travel, you are only reading the first page. I want to encourage women to read past the first page of their autobiography. I want women to dive into themselves, their feelings, their histories and their prejudices. Ask questions - of yourself, of your care provider, of your surroundings, of your understanding of normal. I want to help open doors to the millions of possible answers.

She left her family a financial success. Yes. I don't think there is anyone that doesn't want this. But I want it so badly and share why it is so important to my daughter. I want to share with her that relationships should be shared because you want to share them, you want to be in them, not because you have to be in them. And I know this looks different for every family, but I know what this looks like for me.

Although these traits are labeled The Legacy of a Doula, they ring true outside of business. And perhaps that is a greater legacy: genuine, knowledgeable, available, and steadfast.

As Heidi Shulista from Kansas City Doulas asks, "For what will you be remembered? For whom are you living?"

So do you know, for what will YOU be remembered? For whom are YOU living?

Authored by A Swift Doula

4 Comments

Dear New Mom

12/15/2014

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Dear New Mom –

Your baby is here! You are probably holding him, or her, right now, wondering if it is normal to feel so much love. How is it possible that a person can feel so much for someone that has just arrived?

You are getting to know your baby today. Smelling her head, looking at her perfect finger nails – each yawn and scrunched face is perfect and a remarkable moment.

When he cries, your heart leaps out of you. When your feed him, it is as though you can see your energy and strength pouring directly into his tiny body, because he is already bigger than yesterday. Stop growing little baby! Your changes are coming too fast!

Dear New Mom, you are tired today. The hours no longer tick by in the same, reliable way they used to. You seem to be in a new world, where minutes drag, and the wee, early bits of the day are now so familiar as you sit to feed and comfort your new child.

Did you remember to eat? Are you thirsty right now? The idea of going to the grocery store is unbearable. I know that car seat looks deceptively light. I know it is the most awkward contraption. I know the idea of taking your new baby in and out of it is terrifying.

Dear New Mom, do you miss yourself? Does this new person in your reflection surprise you? Are you confused about when so much of yourself disappeared? Has it only been a week or two? Are you worried in a few months you won’t know yourself at all?

Dear New Mom, have you noticed your strength yet? Have you stretched out your arms and back and felt a pause when your baby is not there in that cozy crook? Have you seen how you are able to sooth pain and discomfort in a way that no other person can? Have you recognized that magic?

Dear New Mom, everything is going to be all right. You are learning, your baby is learning, and everyone in your life is learning that you are a new person. How could you possible prepare for something like this? Each day will help to mold your resolve, embolden your instincts, and give you courage to make the decisions that no other person can make.

When it gets to be to be too much, please know that your friends want to help you. Please know that asking will feel like a huge hurdle, but people aren’t sure what you need. Please know that you won’t be left in the cold with unbearable weights to hold. You are loved. Please ask.

Dear New Mom, sooner than can be expected, you won’t be a new mom anymore. You may see other new moms trying to figure out how to get in and out of the store. You may see other new moms needing just a few minutes on her phone to zone out or be “normal.” They may be unsure of how to talk to you and the world. And it will hit you, you have figured some things out, all on your own. Some things aren’t scary anymore! You are on to learning older, different mom things!

We are all in this together, New Mom.

Love,
A recently Not-New Mom

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Use Your B.R.A.I.N.!

12/11/2014

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Many women talk about having "baby brain" when they are going through pregnancy. They can't remember the simplest things, or things that used to be easy to recall become increasingly difficult.

As it gets closer to the end of pregnancy, some of my clients worry about it, thinking that they won't be able to remember important pieces of their birth plan as labor progresses.

If this is you, first off, you're not alone. You aren't losing your brain function, but you may lose your metal sharpness because of lack of sleep or stress, says Jane Martin, MD, director of the Neuropsychological Testing and Evaluation Center at New York's Mount Sinai Medical Center.

And I'd like to share something that should help ease some of your worries about possibly making the "wrong" decisions in labor.

A tool I share with my clients is a way to respond to questions instead of reacting to them.
Respond - verb 1. to reply, 2. to react favorably
React - verb 1. to act in response to an agent or influence, 2. to act reciprocally upon each other, 3. to act in a reverse direction or manner, 4. to act in opposition

The tool is a handy acronym called B.R.A.I.N.

B.R.A.I.N. stands for Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Intuition, and Nothing.

Here's how it works. You are asked if you would like to have a procedure, for instance, having your membranes swept or stripped, to help induce labor. You can ask questions to determine your options through the B.R.A.I.N.

Benefits? Risks? Alternatives? Intuition? Nothing?

A conversation with your birth doula about membrane sweeps may go like this:

You are past your due date, and at your last appointment, your doctor mentioned she could strip your membranes if you have not gone into labor. You call your doula before going in, because, what? What's a membrane? Is it dirty? It needs to be swept out, or something?

So talk about it. The basic procedure is explained and B.R.A.I.N. is used.

B - Benefits
You ask your doula: What are the benefits of having your membrane swept?
She answers: It is possible that having your membrane swept will bring on labor.

R - Risks
You ask your doula: What are the risks to having my membrane swept?
She answers: Some women find the procedure to be painful, and it may inadvertently rupture your membranes (break your water.)

A - Alternatives
You ask your doula: What are the alternatives to having my membranes swept?
She answers: You can wait for labor to start on its own.

I - Intuition
Your doula asks you what your intuition is telling you? How are you feeling about this? Your doula should also reiterate that you have trust and a good relationship with your care provider, and whatever you choose is the correct decision for you. (Because your doula should be supporting you with non-judgemental support!)

N- Do Nothing
You ask your doula: What if I don't have want my membranes swept?
She answers: If you don't want your membranes swept, I encourage you to tell your care provider this BEFORE you have your vaginal exam at your next appointment.

I hope this makes sense. This isn't an exercise that favors natural birth over medicated birth. It doesn't favor midwifery care over OB care. It doesn't favor home birth over hospital births. This is you. This is a way for your values to be present at your birth. There is room for facts and evidence, but also for feeling and experience.

In the example, this conversation is happening with a doula. But guess what? You can do this WITH your doctor! You can do this with your partner. You can do this anytime! If you need to make a decision, this is a tool you can use. Heck, you don't even have to be pregnant!

My daughter isn't to an age where this exact form makes sense, but I know this will be a tool I will keep in my parenting bag. Because I hate to say it, but my "baby brain" didn't go away. I need all the help I can get as I move through this complex role as parent, wife, and business owner.

Let's use our BRAINs people!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Name Shame

11/8/2014

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One of the changes to birth I, and many other birth workers, have witnessed in recent years is parents not wanting to share their expected child's name.

"We're waiting so it is a surprise," They say.

What's really going on here?

If I throw out the phrase Mommy Wars, are you familiar? Here...let me give you a small sampling of what is on the internet. (Time article from a stay at home dad's perspective, More magazine links it to assumptions about femininity, motherhood, marriage and finance, A Washington Post article mommy wars and the ensuing social demotion.)

I believe the Mommy Wars can be boiled down to one thing: fear. Fear that choice equals judgement.

Parenthood comes with a certain amount of stress and pressure. But I don't believe women are prepared to feel the onslaught of emotions that come from other people's ideas about how to best nurture and raise their child.

"Oh you're pregnant! How wonderful. Where are you delivering? ...oh! A homebirth! How...creative of you."
"You are having a planned cesarean? Haven't you seen the research that supports vaginal birth?"
"Are you planning to co-sleep? You know crying it out just causes long term brain damage. I forget where I read that but..."

And when it comes time to deliver her baby, that mom is primed and on edge to be judged for every decision she will make regarding her child. She may question her intuition. She may feel she isn't going to be what her baby needs. She may get overwhelmed researching what the latest research says, and feel paralyzed.

This is why having labor support and/or a postpartum doula, can help. Not only will there be incredible physical and educational resources at her fingertips, but she will be able to provide an emotional support that many women don't experience in pregnancy; a completely supportive partner.

I am hired by women and their partners for many reasons, but sometimes, I have a prenatal conversation that goes something like this:

Me: Do you have any family members that will be present at your birth?
Mother: My sister (mother, friend, in-laws, etc) really wants to be at the delivery, but...Would it be bad if we didn't call her when labor starts?

-or-

Me: Have you decided on a name?
Parents look at each other: Well, we have but we aren't sharing it until he's born.
Me: Ok. I look forward to meeting him and being introduced!
Parents look at each other again: Well, we are happy to tell you but we don't want our parents to know. We just don't want to deal with them trying to change our minds.

Ok. I'm going to share something now that blows some client's minds... I offer non-judgemental support for women and their partners in labor and after.

Non-judgemental support isn't just about how a woman may choose to deliver. Non-judgemental support means I don't have an opinion on your baby's name. I don't have an opinion, as your doula, on how you want to feed your child. I don't have an opinion, as your doula, about who should be at your birth.

I know some pretty awesome "tricks" for labor and with newborn care, but there is no trick here. There is incredible value in being supported. Incredible strength comes from being empowered. So a tip if you are reading this as a support person to a pregnant woman, or new mom - be a support person she can come to when everyone else is supportive-with-strings-attached.

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Pressure, before Labor Ever Begins

10/19/2014

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Pressure. Not the push-the-baby-out kind.

I was lucky in my pregnancy. I didn’t have unusual sickness, I was able to stay mobile, and I was able to keep working until my due date. But as soon as my due date hit, I had to stay home.

It wasn’t anything about my pregnancy that made for the change. It was the pressure. The pressure from my co-workers and customers made me want to curl up and cry. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, they say, and it was starting to feel like my own personal hell.

The day after my due date I walked in to, “You’re STILL pregnant!”

It was the first time in my pregnancy that my body felt broken, that I had done something wrong. Was I a bad mother for not delivering my baby when I was “supposed” to?

I had read the books and taken the classes so I knew that the average first time mom doesn’t deliver until she is 41+ weeks.

I knew that, but I felt different.

Up until my due date, I was in the throws of fall. Friends were going to corn mazes people were trying to find last minute Halloween costumes. Because I was due on October 30th I made zero plans for the holiday, thinking hopefully, I’d be holding my baby.

So now, every fall, as parents are looking for festivals and pumpkin patches, whenever I see I pregnant woman, it comes back. Trying to relax is very hard when it feels like your entire community is waiting for you to have a baby.

I know I’m not the only one who has felt this pressure. As I doula for more and more women, it seems it is almost unavoidable. So if you have a pregnant woman in your life, perhaps to REALLY help her, be a safe place for her to rest.

Keep the Pressure Off

Offer pillows to help get her situated comfortably. Offer some water. It really is the small things sometimes.
Suggest a phone free afternoon, and go see a movie. So much pressure can come from social media now that suggesting a no-phone friend date can be incredibly restorative.
Try not to focus on the uncomfortable parts of day-to-day life, but instead ask her what she is looking forward to. Who will the baby look like? How did they pick the name? Any baby clothes she wants to show you?
Tell her she is beautiful. She may be feeling anything but attractive, but she needs to hear it.
And if she wants it, help her find a last minute costume to get her out of the house!

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Tradition...gulp.

9/19/2014

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You may not have noticed, but the holidays are coming. The pumpkin lattes are flowing. Costumes are on the shelves, and recipes for soups and baked treats are popping out of the woodwork.

You may be freaking out about how to make baby's first Christmas (or Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah) absolutely perfect. You may be stressed out, already, about starting new family traditions or keeping up with well established roles.

Lets open ourselves to an idea: becoming a parent gives us the opportunity to experience joy, belonging, and love, but there is no guarantee it will be done perfectly. We may try to keep the idea of perfection that comes with each new baby alive along as possible, but if you let go of your idea of what should happen, you open up to the possibility of what could happen. And that may be 100 times better than you imagined.

So a few things...

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