"Let's talk about it."

It's not flashy, but it may be the most creative thing that I have ever shared with my daughter.  And I say this because, of something I just heard yesterday.

I was listening to an interview with Todd Henry, author of the The Accidental Creative and most recently Louder Than Words where he talked about the "U shape journey" of the creative process.  He described what was involved in the work of being a creative; the layers, experience, learning, time, challenges, and struggle that made success look easy...from the outside.  And he affirmed that you can't get there without all of that stuff.  That to make lasting, long term progress, sometimes we have to be inefficient in the short term to be effective in the long run. 

I can't think of a better description of parenthood that I've heard in the last half of year. 

Let me share a little bit more about this U shaped journey: he likens it to taking a hike down, through, and up a canyon.  When we start our journeys, be it a project or parenthood, we can see across the gap to the other side.  We can see the end result.  We can see our baby breastfeeding well, that our baby sleeps through the night.  We can see our toddler using a toilet and not using a diaper.  We can see them reading books, or riding a bike, or learning to swim, or ANY of the millions of things our children will learn in this life. 

In our minds we see the end.  So we start.  We get excited!

In essence we hike down the path. 

We decide that we will try a sleep sack.  Or a white noise machine.  We start the process of introducing a potty and teaching cues to go pee.  We spend time reading books to our children, we introduce letter sounds and names, and then sight words.  We use scooters, then training wheels.  We start at the beach on the sand, with toes and legs in the water. 

Then we get to the bottom of the "U" and something happens. 

We are surrounded by weeds. The path isn't as clear.  We look up and can't see the end.  It starts to get dark and we realize the trip is longer than we planned and we will have to camp out in the bottom of the canyon for a night. 

When we are in the bottom of those canyons,  when we have tried to keep our focus but the path gets blurry, it starts to feel like failure.  It starts to feel completely hopeless.  It starts to feel like a mistake. 

We question our direction.  We question our decisions.  We question what got us excited in the first place. 

But the next day, the sun comes up, and we have more light, we keep going on our path, and we we start to climb.  We climb up the other side of the canyon - each step hard, but showing incredible progress.  And before we realize, we are at the top, on the other side. 

We are there, with our baby who can breastfeed seamlessly.  We are there with our baby who is sleeping through the night.  With our toddler who is potty trained, or our young child who can read herself a story or ride a bike, or swim for hours. 

Through the canyons I have already hiked with  my daughter and the many that are come come, I know I will continue to use a phrase that invites cooperation - "Let's talk about it." 

I would talk with my girl friends when my baby was causing me worry.   I would talk with my husband when it felt like I was losing my mind.  And I would talk with my daughter.  Even when she had no clue what I was saying. 

Just recently, when she was not interested in picking up her room, she even said it back to me. "Let's talk about it, mom."  And I was so happy that she used those words instead of fussing, and that she engaged in (if I'm being honest) a negotiation of sorts. 

Everyone goes through these canyons.  But from the outside we rarely see each journey.  We rarely see them at the bottom of their "U." 

And what I'm learning, and what Todd Henry affirms, is that the process is important. 

For some families, deciding to have a baby is the starting point of their canyon.  Prenatal education, IVF, IUI, surrogacy, or adoption are all huge undertakings.

Some families are able and happy to be pregnant, but are lost when it comes to birth and labor. 

Some families are solid for labor, but have zero help or plan for postpartum. 

When we are in the weeds and need help getting back on track, to get caught up, or to start the process with some help, you need to be able to know who can help. 

Know that you don't have to to this alone.  Contact me for early support for pre-pregnancy or labor support or postpartum support and you can have all the help you need along any part of your U-shaped journey.   

Authored by Ariel Swift, A Swift Doula

When Did I Plant that Seed?
I got another look into my 3 year-old as a 25 minute tantrum progressed and ended yesterday morning.

Like most mornings, after we wake up, we make a direct bee-line to the bathroom.   I usually outline what the next 45 minutes will look like.  It moves seamlessly through that plan and we are on our way.  

But not yesterday. 

"Hey Harp.  When we get done going potty, we're going to get dressed, eat oatmeal, get our rain boots and coat on, then grab our bag and go to school.  Deal?"

No.  No deal apparently because then she flipped out. 
Mommy!  Moooooommy!  Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.  MOMMY! 

I try to get her to say a different word - or any word more descriptive for what she actually wanted.  I tried different clothing options.  I tried offering her princess skirt.  We could paint.  We could color.  We could have a race!

Nothing.  Just tears, and a broken little heart, and I had no idea what was going on.  As she is collapsed in the hallway, I walk to my room to get dressed myself and tell my husband, "She is very three this morning." 

She follows me to the kitchen, I make her oatmeal.  All the while, still tears, still "mommy." 

I get down on her level. 
I scoop her up. 
We snuggle. 
We rock in our chair. 
I put her down.
I pick her back up. 

Still all the while, mommymommymommy......

I sit her on my lap and start feeding her spoonfuls of oatmeal.  She eats willingly, one small bite after another, although still with tears.

Just as the bowl of oatmeal is done, I put the spoon down and she immediately stops crying. 

"Mommy, I was so sad."

"What were you sad about?"

"I was sad because I didn't want to hurt your feelings to tell you I wanted cold cereal, not oatmeal." 

EUREKA! 
Mystery solved. 


Growing Trust
After more snuggles, hugs, and a few tissues, I tried to explain that she doesn't have to worry about hurting my feelings.  That she gets to have all her feelings right when she needs to have them.  That she can get mad, frustrated, annoyed, happy, excited, and sad with mommy and that's ok.  I will still be her mommy and I will still love her and help her with all of her feelings. 

Mommy gets help with her feelings and she gets help from mommy.



Sometimes You Need Upfront Unemotional Support
Labor is not like my daughter's breakfast preference -  but you don't have to keep anything inside when you are going through birth.  As a laboring woman, you get to have all of your emotions.  If I am your doula,  I can't be offended.  My feelings can't be hurt.  My role is to be right there with you when you have all of those feelings and tell you it's ok. 

Some families choose to bring a doula onto their birth team for this exact reason.  A family member may be able to come and support, but the mother or father would be too concerned about that person's influence.  

Would they be able to focus on the work that needed to be done to get their baby out?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  

The fear of voicing anxiety of disappointing someone can be so strong that it keeps women's labor from progressing.  Knowing you have support that isn't invested emotionally in the outcome of your birth means you can put your attention where it should be - on you! 

If this resonates with you let's talk about how you don't have to eat the oatmeal if you don't want to...especially if you want the cold cereal.  It is perfectly fine with me either way. 

And today, Harp said loudly, "I want just cereal today mommy!" 

Those words were so great to hear.

Questions:
What is it like to be held hostage to a silent expectation? What feelings come to the surface?
Have you ever kept something to yourself because you were conscious of how it would make others feel?  

Authored by A Swift Doula

Making choices takes a lot of energy. 

What I'm talking about is being proactive.  Being forward thinking.  Investing time into planning instead of wasting time reacting. 

I have talked a little bit about reacting and responding, and some of the differences in a post last December about decisions in labor.  It can be hard to feel prepared for something that you didn't know would happen, so having the B.R.A.I.N. tool ready can be a huge help!

But that's the game of life right?  We never really know what is coming next in the big picture, so we do the best we can.  We budget our money, we allocate our energy, we prioritize our schedules.

And then we have kids.

And nothing is ever really child-proof.  Time ceases to operate as we thought.  Emotions are fickle.  We are caught unable to plan for dinner, let alone the week, month, or next 18 years. 

There is so much time for planning when you are pregnant.  There are parties, books being read, thoughts about going-home outfits, car seat selection... all that time will feel luxurious compared to what happens after your baby arrives. 

There is a term that circulates:  baby brain.  It is the feeling of having lost one's ability to think logically, or remember events or facts once your baby is born.  Some of it comes from being woken up every 2 to 3 hours.  Some of it comes from being bewildered by this new little love in your life, and some of it is complete unexplainable. 

(Some moms tell me they feel like part of their brain was actually sacrificed and given to this new human.  They hope their old self will come back!) 

The eerie passing of time, the new responsibilities, the reality of your expanding family can make all the plans you had fly right out the window.  Responding turns into reacting.  And events regress into meeting the needs that now come hour by hour. 

This is hard for many parents, but this is totally normal. 

What I hope for new parents is that when there are able hands near to help, and that the loads will feel lighter instead of heavier. 

Sometimes visitors who are trying to be helpful end up being a burden or making a bigger mess.  Sometimes family that is there to support instead inflicts judgement.  Sometimes there is no one else. 

When you are in your planning stages for you expanding family, keep in mind that a person you can count on to help ease your load is a postpartum doula. 

Your postpartum doula can help with new infant care or help nurture your family with meals.  Your postpartum doula can support your breastfeeding journey and help you get sleep.  Your postpartum doula can listen to your concerns and help you feel better prepared for what is next. 

A postpartum doula will not do one thing - and that is make your new normal harder for you or your family. 

I invite you take some time, while it is in so much abundance, and consider if bringing a postpartum doula into your after-care plan is a proactive step you can take to help with all of the unexpected situations a new infant brings to your family. 

You are everything your new baby needs.  A postpartum doula can be there to ensure you feel up to responding to your new role.  

Question: Have you used a postpartum doula?  What was the more unexpected benefit?  What would you share to families thinking of this service? Share your advice!

Authored by A Swift Doula