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U-Shaped Parenting

8/28/2015

2 Comments

 
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"Let's talk about it."

It's not flashy, but it may be the most creative thing that I have ever shared with my daughter.  And I say this because, of something I just heard yesterday.

I was listening to an interview with Todd Henry, author of the The Accidental Creative and most recently Louder Than Words where he talked about the "U shape journey" of the creative process.  He described what was involved in the work of being a creative; the layers, experience, learning, time, challenges, and struggle that made success look easy...from the outside.  And he affirmed that you can't get there without all of that stuff.  That to make lasting, long term progress, sometimes we have to be inefficient in the short term to be effective in the long run. 

I can't think of a better description of parenthood that I've heard in the last half of year. 

Let me share a little bit more about this U shaped journey: he likens it to taking a hike down, through, and up a canyon.  When we start our journeys, be it a project or parenthood, we can see across the gap to the other side.  We can see the end result.  We can see our baby breastfeeding well, that our baby sleeps through the night.  We can see our toddler using a toilet and not using a diaper.  We can see them reading books, or riding a bike, or learning to swim, or ANY of the millions of things our children will learn in this life. 

In our minds we see the end.  So we start.  We get excited!

In essence we hike down the path. 

We decide that we will try a sleep sack.  Or a white noise machine.  We start the process of introducing a potty and teaching cues to go pee.  We spend time reading books to our children, we introduce letter sounds and names, and then sight words.  We use scooters, then training wheels.  We start at the beach on the sand, with toes and legs in the water. 

Then we get to the bottom of the "U" and something happens. 

We are surrounded by weeds. The path isn't as clear.  We look up and can't see the end.  It starts to get dark and we realize the trip is longer than we planned and we will have to camp out in the bottom of the canyon for a night. 

When we are in the bottom of those canyons,  when we have tried to keep our focus but the path gets blurry, it starts to feel like failure.  It starts to feel completely hopeless.  It starts to feel like a mistake. 

We question our direction.  We question our decisions.  We question what got us excited in the first place. 


But the next day, the sun comes up, and we have more light, we keep going on our path, and we we start to climb.  We climb up the other side of the canyon - each step hard, but showing incredible progress.  And before we realize, we are at the top, on the other side. 

We are there, with our baby who can breastfeed seamlessly.  We are there with our baby who is sleeping through the night.  With our toddler who is potty trained, or our young child who can read herself a story or ride a bike, or swim for hours. 

Through the canyons I have already hiked with  my daughter and the many that are come come, I know I will continue to use a phrase that invites cooperation - "Let's talk about it." 

I would talk with my girl friends when my baby was causing me worry.   I would talk with my husband when it felt like I was losing my mind.  And I would talk with my daughter.  Even when she had no clue what I was saying. 

Just recently, when she was not interested in picking up her room, she even said it back to me. "Let's talk about it, mom."  And I was so happy that she used those words instead of fussing, and that she engaged in (if I'm being honest) a negotiation of sorts. 

Everyone goes through these canyons.  But from the outside we rarely see each journey.  We rarely see them at the bottom of their "U." 

And what I'm learning, and what Todd Henry affirms, is that the process is important. 

For some families, deciding to have a baby is the starting point of their canyon.  Prenatal education, IVF, IUI, surrogacy, or adoption are all huge undertakings.

Some families are able and happy to be pregnant, but are lost when it comes to birth and labor. 

Some families are solid for labor, but have zero help or plan for postpartum. 

When we are in the weeds and need help getting back on track, to get caught up, or to start the process with some help, you need to be able to know who can help. 

Know that you don't have to to this alone.  Contact me for early support for pre-pregnancy or labor support or postpartum support and you can have all the help you need along any part of your U-shaped journey.   

Authored by Ariel Swift, A Swift Doula





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I Didn't Want To Disappoint You

7/8/2015

3 Comments

 
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When Did I Plant that Seed?
I got another look into my 3 year-old as a 25 minute tantrum progressed and ended yesterday morning.

Like most mornings, after we wake up, we make a direct bee-line to the bathroom.   I usually outline what the next 45 minutes will look like.  It moves seamlessly through that plan and we are on our way.  

But not yesterday. 

"Hey Harp.  When we get done going potty, we're going to get dressed, eat oatmeal, get our rain boots and coat on, then grab our bag and go to school.  Deal?"

No.  No deal apparently because then she flipped out. 
Mommy!  Moooooommy!  Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.  MOMMY! 

I try to get her to say a different word - or any word more descriptive for what she actually wanted.  I tried different clothing options.  I tried offering her princess skirt.  We could paint.  We could color.  We could have a race!

Nothing.  Just tears, and a broken little heart, and I had no idea what was going on.  As she is collapsed in the hallway, I walk to my room to get dressed myself and tell my husband, "She is very three this morning." 

She follows me to the kitchen, I make her oatmeal.  All the while, still tears, still "mommy." 

I get down on her level. 
I scoop her up. 
We snuggle. 
We rock in our chair. 
I put her down.
I pick her back up. 

Still all the while, mommymommymommy......

I sit her on my lap and start feeding her spoonfuls of oatmeal.  She eats willingly, one small bite after another, although still with tears.

Just as the bowl of oatmeal is done, I put the spoon down and she immediately stops crying. 

"Mommy, I was so sad."

"What were you sad about?"

"I was sad because I didn't want to hurt your feelings to tell you I wanted cold cereal, not oatmeal." 


EUREKA! 
Mystery solved. 


Growing Trust
After more snuggles, hugs, and a few tissues, I tried to explain that she doesn't have to worry about hurting my feelings.  That she gets to have all her feelings right when she needs to have them.  That she can get mad, frustrated, annoyed, happy, excited, and sad with mommy and that's ok.  I will still be her mommy and I will still love her and help her with all of her feelings. 

Mommy gets help with her feelings and she gets help from mommy.



Sometimes You Need Upfront Unemotional Support
Labor is not like my daughter's breakfast preference -  but you don't have to keep anything inside when you are going through birth.  As a laboring woman, you get to have all of your emotions.  If I am your doula,  I can't be offended.  My feelings can't be hurt.  My role is to be right there with you when you have all of those feelings and tell you it's ok. 

Some families choose to bring a doula onto their birth team for this exact reason.  A family member may be able to come and support, but the mother or father would be too concerned about that person's influence.  

Would they be able to focus on the work that needed to be done to get their baby out?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  

The fear of voicing anxiety of disappointing someone can be so strong that it keeps women's labor from progressing.  Knowing you have support that isn't invested emotionally in the outcome of your birth means you can put your attention where it should be - on you! 

If this resonates with you let's talk about how you don't have to eat the oatmeal if you don't want to...especially if you want the cold cereal.  It is perfectly fine with me either way. 

And today, Harp said loudly, "I want just cereal today mommy!" 

Those words were so great to hear.

Questions:
What is it like to be held hostage to a silent expectation?
What feelings come to the surface?
Have you ever kept something to yourself because you were conscious of how it would make others feel?  

Authored by A Swift Doula
3 Comments

Making The Load A Little Lighter

6/30/2015

1 Comment

 
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Making choices takes a lot of energy. 

What I'm talking about is being proactive.  Being forward thinking.  Investing time into planning instead of wasting time reacting. 

I have talked a little bit about reacting and responding, and some of the differences in a post last December about decisions in labor.  It can be hard to feel prepared for something that you didn't know would happen, so having the B.R.A.I.N. tool ready can be a huge help!

But that's the game of life right?  We never really know what is coming next in the big picture, so we do the best we can.  We budget our money, we allocate our energy, we prioritize our schedules.

And then we have kids.

And nothing is ever really child-proof.  Time ceases to operate as we thought.  Emotions are fickle.  We are caught unable to plan for dinner, let alone the week, month, or next 18 years. 

There is so much time for planning when you are pregnant.  There are parties, books being read, thoughts about going-home outfits, car seat selection... all that time will feel luxurious compared to what happens after your baby arrives. 

There is a term that circulates:  baby brain.  It is the feeling of having lost one's ability to think logically, or remember events or facts once your baby is born.  Some of it comes from being woken up every 2 to 3 hours.  Some of it comes from being bewildered by this new little love in your life, and some of it is complete unexplainable. 

(Some moms tell me they feel like part of their brain was actually sacrificed and given to this new human.  They hope their old self will come back!) 

The eerie passing of time, the new responsibilities, the reality of your expanding family can make all the plans you had fly right out the window.  Responding turns into reacting.  And events regress into meeting the needs that now come hour by hour. 

This is hard for many parents, but this is totally normal. 

What I hope for new parents is that when there are able hands near to help, and that the loads will feel lighter instead of heavier. 

Sometimes visitors who are trying to be helpful end up being a burden or making a bigger mess.  Sometimes family that is there to support instead inflicts judgement.  Sometimes there is no one else. 

When you are in your planning stages for you expanding family, keep in mind that a person you can count on to help ease your load is a postpartum doula. 

Your postpartum doula can help with new infant care or help nurture your family with meals.  Your postpartum doula can support your breastfeeding journey and help you get sleep.  Your postpartum doula can listen to your concerns and help you feel better prepared for what is next. 

A postpartum doula will not do one thing - and that is make your new normal harder for you or your family. 

I invite you take some time, while it is in so much abundance, and consider if bringing a postpartum doula into your after-care plan is a proactive step you can take to help with all of the unexpected situations a new infant brings to your family. 

You are everything your new baby needs.  A postpartum doula can be there to ensure you feel up to responding to your new role.  

Question: Have you used a postpartum doula?  What was the more unexpected benefit?  What would you share to families thinking of this service? Share your advice!

Authored by A Swift Doula

1 Comment

Flipping Eggs: Fear and Doubt

4/24/2015

2 Comments

 
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The other I got an itch to try doing that seemingly simple act of tossing food in a pan without a spatula. 
(This dude makes it look like a piece of cake. )

I try it.  I make a mess.  I psych myself out.  I get nervous.  My heart starts racing,  I am both stressed and a little edgy. 

But since that first attempt, I've been committed.  I am eating more eggs so I can practice. 

I have now successfully flipped an egg.  Twice. 

I've realized that there is a moment every time I flip where I have to turn off my doubt and fear, and go all in.  I have to put in the extra umph, and then trust that I've given it enough. 

I have to believe I am going to actually flip that silly egg.  The times I question my ability, (the hold of the pan in my hand, the amount of butter in the bottom, or if the egg is ready to flip,) inevitably, I mess it up. 

Fear and doubt.  They are there.  In many parts of our life, and especially in birth and parenthood.  But there too we have to walk up to that big scary thing (eggs, or labor) nod hello, then just keep going.  Do it. 

Our bodies are amazing, in that if a fear is real (a bear chasing you) or perceived (being startled as a joke), we respond the same way with a flood of adrenaline.  Our bodies is prepped to save our life, but is that necessary for flipping an egg?!  Seems a little over dramatic.  C'mon!  So...

Feel the fear.  Then do it anyway. 

Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Breakfast or something so much, much bigger. 

When have you felt that buzz of fear?  How did you react?  What helped you through it?

Authored by A Swift Doula
2 Comments

Write Your Birth Plan.  Then Throw it Out.

3/10/2015

0 Comments

 
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I love and hate birth plans.  Or birth wishes.  Or whatever you call them. 

I love a birth plan because it gets parents involved in their birth.  It is usually the first time many couples sit down and put what they want out in the open for each other to see.  It can sometimes be the start to many very important conversations.

Ideas get organized.  A view of what their birth will look like starts to take form.  Couples start to have questions they can take to their doctors. 

I hate birth plans because for many people it is the only discussion or the end of the discussion.  

I've heard over and over, "Oh, it's in our birth plan that we want  (fill in the blank) so I'm not worried." 

So here is a little exercise.  Let's play what if...

What if you forget to bring your birth plan to the hospital?  Have you remembered what is important to you? 

What if you are planning for freedom of movement and getting in water for pain management, but it becomes necessary that you stay close to monitors and out of water?  Can you think of positions and locations for massage that will help you cope? 

What if your partner gets sick? Do you have back up support you can call?

What if you are planning a vaginal birth, and it becomes evident that you require a cesarean birth? Have you talked about how this will impact your postpartum healing?

What if your baby need to be taken to the NICU (a
neonatal intensive-care unit) after birth?  Will your partner go with baby or stay with you?  Do you have someone who can come to be with you until your partner returns? 

Here is how I can help:
  • As your doula, many of the What Ifs above can be greatly improved if you hire me.  I can help remember what was important - either by recalling conversations we've had, or by using  B.R.A.I.N.

  • As your doula, I am present to help with positioning, with massage, counter pressure, comfort, and pain management.  You don't need to know every beneficial position - I'll be your walking, talking, resource. 

  • As your doula, I can be your support if your partner becomes unable - be it from sickness, from exhaustion, or for bathroom breaks and meals! 

  • As your doula, I can help prepare you for what the cesarean delivery will be like, as well as help you make a plan for how to heal from an unexpected surgery.  Doulas aren't just for vaginal deliveries.  I have helped many mothers go through planned cesarean deliveries. 

  • As your doula, I hope it isn't needed, but if your baby goes to the NICU, I can stay with you.  You don't have to be alone while you wait for news or your partner to return. 


And let's not forget - as your doula, I will help you write your birth plan.  Because sometimes many families don't have any idea of how to get the conversation started in the first place, or what topics to cover. 

So let's get together
to see how I can help, both talking about the What Ifs, but also about how you can have the best possible preparation for the birth that you want. 

Authored by A Swift Doula





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Legacy

1/20/2015

4 Comments

 
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Some people have children because they need to see themselves in the next generation.  They need to know that part of them will live on after their own short life is over.  They need a family legacy to share in the history of those who have worked so hard before them.  They need someone to remember.  They need to add something to this life. 

Recently we suffered a great loss in our family.  My husband's father passed away on December 31st and this last weekend we laid his ashes to rest.  I really can't stop myself from thinking about how birth and death are such incredible things.

Being a birth doula, I am surrounded by unlimited potential.  So many wonderful humans are being born everyday and they are already remarkable.  And as soon as those bundles of joy are here, parents are born too, and they have choices to make and (POOF!) just like that, the pressure is on to be good, and right, and correct.  (Although, as a parent, I have found there is great power and importance in allowing space for "wrong.")

And this is where we get down to the point: our legacy is something we have power over.  How we are remembered is something we can influence through our actions, goals, and conversations.  What we leave isn't just stuff, but feelings, ideas, memories. 

As a parent, what do I want my child to remember about me and her time with me? As a doula, how am I adding value to my profession and my community?  Why am I here? 

These thoughts are helping me see through some of this groggy fog of grief.  Hearing the wonderful stories about my father-in-law are refreshing and uplifting.   The small part of life I witnessed was only a slice of his - he had 67 years of relationships that left their mark.

Just yesterday, the information that is in the image above was shared on social media.  It struck such a chord with me that I had to stop and evaluate how I was conducting myself.  I agree with the statement above and I needed to check myself against what it is encouraging. 

I felt stronger/better in her presence.  Yes.  I want women to feel stronger in my presence.  I want to lift up and not tear down. 

She always did what she said.  I want to be a mom of my word.  I want to be a doula of my word.  I want to be a business owner of my word.  I want my statements to be meaningful.

She increased acceptance and compassion in others.
Yes, I want to increase acceptance and compassion.  I want to help bridge sides.  I want to help grow understanding and tolerance.

She instilled strength in our daughters. YES.  I want to instill strength in my daughter, and your daughter.  I want the daughters of this world to be brave and fearless.  I believe my last post speaks directly to this. 

She educated the masses.  I am not a trained teacher, but I will share my knowledge with any that will listen (or read, dear Reader).  Knowledge is what started me on the path to this profession, and helping other mothers have knowledge to make decisions that are best for their families will be a steady driving force in my work.  Women with information are unstoppable. 

She encouraged open-mindedness. There is a saying, that the world is a book, and if you don't travel, you are only reading the first page.  I want to encourage women to read past the first page of their autobiography.  I want women to dive into themselves, their feelings, their histories and their prejudices.  Ask questions - of yourself, of your care provider, of your surroundings, of your understanding of normal.  I want to help open doors to the millions of possible answers. 

She left her family a financial success.  Yes.  I don't think there is anyone that doesn't want this.  But I want it so badly and share why it is so important to my daughter.  I want to share with her that relationships should be shared because you want to share them, you want to be in them, not because you have to be in them.  And I know this looks different for every family, but I know what this looks like for me. 

Although these traits are labeled The Legacy of a Doula, they ring true outside of business.  And perhaps that is a greater legacy: genuine, knowledgeable, available, and steadfast. 

As Heidi Shulista from Kansas City Doulas asks, "
For what will you be remembered? For whom are you living?"

So do you know, for what will YOU be remembered?  For whom are YOU living? 

Authored by A Swift Doula
4 Comments

Dear New Mom

12/15/2014

2 Comments

 
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Dear New Mom –

Your baby is here!  You are probably holding him, or her, right now, wondering if it is normal to feel so much love.  How is it possible that a person can feel so much for someone that has just arrived? 

You are getting to know your baby today.  Smelling her head, looking at her perfect finger nails – each yawn and scrunched face is perfect and a remarkable moment. 

When he cries, your heart leaps out of you.  When your feed him, it is as though you can see your energy and strength pouring directly into his tiny body, because he is already bigger than yesterday.  Stop growing little baby!  Your changes are coming too fast!

Dear New Mom, you are tired today.  The hours no longer tick by in the same, reliable way they used to.  You seem to be in a new world, where minutes drag, and the wee, early bits of the day are now so familiar as you sit to feed and comfort your new child. 

Did you remember to eat?  Are you thirsty right now?  The idea of going to the grocery store is unbearable.  I know that car seat looks deceptively light.  I know it is the most awkward contraption.  I know the idea of taking your new baby in and out of it is terrifying. 

Dear New Mom, do you miss yourself?  Does this new person in your reflection surprise you?  Are you confused about when so much of yourself disappeared?   Has it only been a week or two?  Are you worried in a few months you won’t know yourself at all? 

Dear New Mom, have you noticed your strength yet?  Have you stretched out your arms and back and felt a pause when your baby is not there in that cozy crook?  Have you seen how you are able to sooth pain and discomfort in a way that no other person can?  Have you recognized that magic?

Dear New Mom, everything is going to be all right.  You are learning, your baby is learning, and everyone in your life is learning that you are a new person.  How could you possible prepare for something like this?  Each day will help to mold your resolve, embolden your instincts, and give you courage to make the decisions that no other person can make. 

When it gets to be to be too much, please know that your friends want to help you.  Please know that asking will feel like a huge hurdle, but people aren’t sure what you need.  Please know that you won’t be left in the cold with unbearable weights to hold.  You are loved.  Please ask. 

Dear New Mom, sooner than can be expected, you won’t be a new mom anymore.  You may see other new moms trying to figure out how to get in and out of the store.  You may see other new moms needing just a few minutes on her phone to zone out or be “normal.”  They may be unsure of how to talk to you and the world.  And it will hit you, you have figured some things out, all on your own.  Some things aren’t scary anymore!  You are on to learning older, different mom things!

We are all in this together, New Mom. 

Love,
A recently Not-New Mom

2 Comments

Use Your B.R.A.I.N.!

12/11/2014

1 Comment

 
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Many women talk about having "baby brain" when they are going through pregnancy.  They can't remember the simplest things, or things that used to be easy to recall become increasingly difficult. 

As it gets closer to the end of pregnancy, some of my clients worry about it, thinking that they won't be able to remember important pieces of their birth plan as labor progresses. 

If this is you, first off, you're not alone.  You aren't losing your brain function, but you may lose your metal sharpness because of lack of sleep or stress, says Jane Martin, MD, director of the Neuropsychological Testing and Evaluation Center at New York's Mount Sinai Medical Center.
And I'd like to share something that should help ease some of your worries about possibly making the "wrong" decisions in labor. 

A tool I share with my clients is a way to respond to questions instead of reacting to them. 
        Respond - verb 1. to reply, 2. to react favorably
        React -
verb 1. to act in response to an agent or influence, 2. to act reciprocally upon each other, 3. to act in a                             reverse direction or manner, 4. to act in opposition

The tool is a handy acronym called B.R.A.I.N. 


B.R.A.I.N. stands for Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Intuition, and Nothing. 

Here's how it works.  You are asked if you would like to have a procedure, for instance, having your membranes swept or stripped, to help induce labor.  You can ask questions to determine your options through the B.R.A.I.N. 

Benefits?  Risks?  Alternatives?  Intuition?  Nothing? 

A conversation with your birth doula about membrane sweeps may go like this:

You are past your due date, and at your last appointment, your doctor mentioned she could strip your membranes if you have not gone into labor.  You call your doula before going in, because, what?  What's a membrane?  Is it dirty?  It needs to be swept out, or something? 

So talk about it.  The basic procedure is explained and B.R.A.I.N. is used.

B - Benefits
You ask your doula: What are the benefits of having your membrane swept? 
She answers: It is possible that having your membrane swept will bring on labor.

R - Risks
You ask your doula: What are the risks to having my membrane swept?
She answers: Some women find the procedure to be painful, and it may inadvertently rupture your membranes (break your water.)

A - Alternatives
You ask your doula: What are the alternatives to having my membranes swept?
She answers: You can wait for labor to start on its own.

I - Intuition
Your doula asks you what your intuition is telling you?  How are you feeling about this?  Your doula should also reiterate that you have trust and a good relationship with your care provider, and whatever you choose is the correct decision for you.  (Because your doula should be supporting you with non-judgemental support!)

N- Do Nothing

You ask your doula: What if I don't have want my membranes swept?
She answers:  If you don't want your membranes swept, I encourage you to tell your care provider this BEFORE you have your vaginal exam at your next appointment. 

I hope this makes sense.  This isn't an exercise that favors natural birth over medicated birth.  It doesn't favor midwifery care over OB care.  It doesn't favor home birth over hospital births.  This is you.  This is a way for your values to be present at your birth.  There is room for facts and evidence, but also for feeling and experience.

In the example, this conversation is happening with a doula.  But guess what? You can do this WITH your doctor!  You can do this with your partner.  You can do this anytime!  If you need to make a decision, this is a tool you can use.  Heck, you don't even have to be pregnant! 

My daughter isn't to an age where this exact form makes sense, but I know this will be a tool I will keep in my parenting bag.  Because I hate to say it, but my "baby brain" didn't go away.  I need all the help I can get as I move through this complex role as parent, wife, and business owner. 

Let's use our BRAINs people! 

Authored by A Swift Doula



1 Comment
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