"Let's talk about it."

It's not flashy, but it may be the most creative thing that I have ever shared with my daughter.  And I say this because, of something I just heard yesterday.

I was listening to an interview with Todd Henry, author of the The Accidental Creative and most recently Louder Than Words where he talked about the "U shape journey" of the creative process.  He described what was involved in the work of being a creative; the layers, experience, learning, time, challenges, and struggle that made success look easy...from the outside.  And he affirmed that you can't get there without all of that stuff.  That to make lasting, long term progress, sometimes we have to be inefficient in the short term to be effective in the long run. 

I can't think of a better description of parenthood that I've heard in the last half of year. 

Let me share a little bit more about this U shaped journey: he likens it to taking a hike down, through, and up a canyon.  When we start our journeys, be it a project or parenthood, we can see across the gap to the other side.  We can see the end result.  We can see our baby breastfeeding well, that our baby sleeps through the night.  We can see our toddler using a toilet and not using a diaper.  We can see them reading books, or riding a bike, or learning to swim, or ANY of the millions of things our children will learn in this life. 

In our minds we see the end.  So we start.  We get excited!

In essence we hike down the path. 

We decide that we will try a sleep sack.  Or a white noise machine.  We start the process of introducing a potty and teaching cues to go pee.  We spend time reading books to our children, we introduce letter sounds and names, and then sight words.  We use scooters, then training wheels.  We start at the beach on the sand, with toes and legs in the water. 

Then we get to the bottom of the "U" and something happens. 

We are surrounded by weeds. The path isn't as clear.  We look up and can't see the end.  It starts to get dark and we realize the trip is longer than we planned and we will have to camp out in the bottom of the canyon for a night. 

When we are in the bottom of those canyons,  when we have tried to keep our focus but the path gets blurry, it starts to feel like failure.  It starts to feel completely hopeless.  It starts to feel like a mistake. 

We question our direction.  We question our decisions.  We question what got us excited in the first place. 

But the next day, the sun comes up, and we have more light, we keep going on our path, and we we start to climb.  We climb up the other side of the canyon - each step hard, but showing incredible progress.  And before we realize, we are at the top, on the other side. 

We are there, with our baby who can breastfeed seamlessly.  We are there with our baby who is sleeping through the night.  With our toddler who is potty trained, or our young child who can read herself a story or ride a bike, or swim for hours. 

Through the canyons I have already hiked with  my daughter and the many that are come come, I know I will continue to use a phrase that invites cooperation - "Let's talk about it." 

I would talk with my girl friends when my baby was causing me worry.   I would talk with my husband when it felt like I was losing my mind.  And I would talk with my daughter.  Even when she had no clue what I was saying. 

Just recently, when she was not interested in picking up her room, she even said it back to me. "Let's talk about it, mom."  And I was so happy that she used those words instead of fussing, and that she engaged in (if I'm being honest) a negotiation of sorts. 

Everyone goes through these canyons.  But from the outside we rarely see each journey.  We rarely see them at the bottom of their "U." 

And what I'm learning, and what Todd Henry affirms, is that the process is important. 

For some families, deciding to have a baby is the starting point of their canyon.  Prenatal education, IVF, IUI, surrogacy, or adoption are all huge undertakings.

Some families are able and happy to be pregnant, but are lost when it comes to birth and labor. 

Some families are solid for labor, but have zero help or plan for postpartum. 

When we are in the weeds and need help getting back on track, to get caught up, or to start the process with some help, you need to be able to know who can help. 

Know that you don't have to to this alone.  Contact me for early support for pre-pregnancy or labor support or postpartum support and you can have all the help you need along any part of your U-shaped journey.   

Authored by Ariel Swift, A Swift Doula

It is not often, but there are times when I am the Scapegoat Doula.  

It is not a comfortable spot to be, but it is recognized by birth workers that sometimes families need a release of tension and anger.  Sometime it comes out as blame.  And sometimes that blame is laid upon the doula.  

Birth is unpredictable.  A "perfect" pregnancy can turn into a high risk delivery extremely fast.  A well-progressing labor can turn into an emergency cesarean delivery.  Families are left with little opportunity to choose any option other than to follow their care provider's lead.

People know that they are not medical experts and they should take their care providers advice.  But doing so doesn't mean feelings of disappointment, confusion, and helplessness are easy to manage or understand.  

Families may be left asking: 

Why did this happen? 
Why couldn't I stop it?
What went wrong? 

And under it all, "WHY DIDN'T I GET TO CHOOSE?!"  

The loss of participation is extremely unnerving.  The handing over of one's body to be surgically cared for is not the image of child birth that makes many women get warm fuzzy feelings.   The sudden care by professionals is one of the many reasons women are happy to have birth in hospitals, but the hope is that those services will never be used.  

In instances an immediate medical response is necessary, families search for answers.  They look for reasons why.  They want a cause for the effect.  

And sadly, it is not such an easy thing to find for some.   

With as much as we know about birth and bodies, there is still no way to know what path a woman's labor will take.  

"I knew that it was time for the babies to come.  I went in for the cesarean, but then, they couldn't get the spinal placed right. I heard them talking normally, sometimes directly to me, but then they got quite and were whispering to each other.  I couldn't see anything.  Then the baby was born but they said he had to go straight to the NICU.  Then I was horrible nauseous, and I said I didn't feel right.  I wake up and was in a different room, and it seemed like four people had their hands inside my body.  Then I was told I might need an emergency hysterectomy.  They got it under control, but I needed blood transfusions and no one could tell me what was going on."

Hiring a labor doula does not guarantee an outcome.  Having a doula scheduled for postpartum care does not guarantee any result.  BUT, hiring a doula for your labor or recovery means you won't be alone.  And by sheer proximity, sometimes the doula is the emotional dump for the mother, partner, or the whole family.  

And that is ok.  

I can be that person for you.  

You can unload anything on to me.  

I am your doula.  

If your mother needs to send me angry text messages; I can read them, call her back, and talk her through what is going on.  

If your partner is freaking out and wants someone to blame; I can be blamed, I can be yelled at, I can take it.  

If you are angry and are confronted with feelings you don't know what to do with, you can yell and scream, and cry, and be angry with me if you need to.  

I can take it.  I am your doula.  

Doulas are present and helpful for birth and postpartum, and sometimes those events aren't completely happy and joyous.  It isn't talked about.  But it is real.  

Doulas are there for you thorough any situation.  Your goals become our goals for labor and recovery, and when goals aren't met, we know that those feeling are in direct disagreement with your vision of success.  

But even when your original version of a successful situation is shattered, your doula will be there to help you pick up the pieces, and be with you, still without judgement, because when there is no known reason why unfortunate events happen, you should hear that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It is not your fault.  

You are not broken. 

It is not your fault.  

So know that a doula is not just for unmedicated birth.  Know that a doula is not just for position changes and encouragement through labor.  Know that a doula is there to help with the hard feelings just as much as the joyful feelings.  

I can help carry the load you bear.  I hope you won't need to use this part of my care, but please know that you can.  

Authored by A Swift Doula

I'm in a new phase of Repeat Everything

People joke that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, but I'm not sucker; it's not insanity - that's parenting. 

When I was chatting with my non-English speaking infant, she would gurgle, and I found myself saying over and over, "Tell me all about it!"

When my daughter was walking and still not talking,  there I was saying the words over and over, "Do you want more?  More?  More?"  until my word was linked to the few baby signs she was learning. 

And now, fast forward, my 3-year-old understands me.  She speaks to me.  We have conversations that make us both laugh, like this one from bedtime last night:

H: (whisper) Shhhhhhh.  Mommy, it's time to sleep.
Me: (whisper) Ok, Harper.
H: ....Fffffffffffffff..... (followed by both of us laughing)
Me:  Is your butt going to go to sleep too?

(Both of us crack up laughing)

Me: (whisper) Oh sorry....shhhhhhh.....
Harper: Mommy stop.  I'm the leader of the shushes.  
Me:  Okay Harper

(We don't repeat that over and over.  I promise.  But sometimes a fart joke needs to be made...)

Putting toys away, getting dressed, the plan for the day...over and over and over.  And it's not that she doesn't hear or understand, it's that there are so many distractions in the world for a 3-year-old. 

Pro Tip:  Distractions aren't all in the physical world, so watch out for fun conversations coming out of left field. EX:

Me: Harp, c'mon, in your seat.  Let's get buckled and go. 
H: Mom, where are we going?
Me: Home.
H: But Mexico is much more exciting.  Why don't we there first?
(Yes, why don't we!   ...sigh...  )
Me: Do you know where Mexico is? 
Harp: On the map.  My fingers can go there fast.  Look at my nail polish!  My auntie did it for me!

Inevitably, carrying a pile of laundry to her room ends up being an obstacle course.  "Hey mommy!  Come look at this new trick I can do!"

Picking up books turns in to drawing pictures, playing with Lego, and jumping on her trampoline.  "Hey mommy!  Look at this new jump I just learned!"

Doing the dishes together is not really doing the dishes.  "Hey mommy!  Look at this splash I can make!"

And she's off again!  My little swiftlet indeed has the attention span of a bird.  And all of it is fine and part of life, and honestly, part of the joy in being three.  Plus she is stinking adorable, so yeah...

Repeating myself is part of her learning process, and me being patient (even when it's really really really hard) is to her benefit.

Bringing this Back Around...
I don't just repeat myself to my daughter. 

There are a few times in life when people need calm, patient understanding.  For women going through labor, being in the moment is a way to both help contractions do the best work they can, and for a woman to connect with her experience. It does no good to imagine all the contractions that need to come before the baby arrives.

So we take it one contraction at a time. 

One breath at a time. 

And often, taking a deep, low, long breath is very difficult to remember.  So I say, over and over and over,

"Breathe.  Good.  Just like that." 

It's not that a laboring mother has the attention span of a 3-year-old.  It's that labor is hard.  Pain has the incredible ability to make us lose focus. 

So I say again, "Here one comes.  Big breath in, and slowly let it out.  Good.  Breath in, and out."  Until that mom is able to get into her rhythm and starts to respond to silent cues from how we touch, how the room shifts, how her partner hubs her back, how we all start to breath together.

It's a cycle, you see.  It keeps going. 

After her baby is born, she tries again and again to help her little baby understand the world.  Her baby is stimulated from the entire world!  And mom is there to bring it back down, help that little baby focus, and teach some very incredible things. 

Thoughts wander.  The brain is exercising.  It is a great incredible thing to witness in my toddler. 

But in labor, wandering thoughts, unexpected distractions, and fear can make the experience feel harder than it already is. 

So let's bring it back down...
Pull that focus back...
Your thoughts want to fly up with a gust of excitement, but you have a tight hold at the bottom, slowly winding up that string, around and around and around...and you bring it back to your center...back to your baby...
Breathe all the way down...

Good...just like that...

Authored by A Swift Doula

Ever get smacked in the face with a lesson?  One of those awakenings that is both blunt and truthful.  One which, after you notice it, you can't help but be smacked over and over with the day-to-day situations where you never noticed before?

For me it's apologizing.  Or was.

I was at a party last fall where I was called out by a friend (in a nice way) who made me realize I am/was a habitual apologizer.  I would say "I'm sorry" in situations that were just plain unnecessary.

We have a language where hundreds and hundreds of other words could be used, and I was editing down to an apology.  I know I'm not the only one here that can identify with this.

Mostly I know because I work with people who do it all the time.  New moms.  (I would say parents, but I don't really have moments with male parents where this comes up.)

And moms are saying it about things that require no apology.  At all.  Like feeling pain while in labor.  Or needing to feed their baby...again. 

Things like:

• Having contractions Oh, wait just a minute, I'm sorry, I can't answer your question I'm having a contraction....
• Being thirsty in labor I'm so sorry, can you get me my drink?
• Changing positions No, no, no...I need to move, I'm sorry this position just doesn't feel good!
• HAVING A BABY I'm sorry I made such a mess!
  
  

And it isn't reserved for the delivery room.  When moms get home, the I'm sorrys just keep coming:

• Being sore I'm sorry I'm moving so slow.
  
• A messy house (even if it isn't messy) I just haven't had time to pick up.  I'm sorry you have to see it like this.
• A crying baby  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry! 
  
• Being in Bed  I'm so sorry you have to be in here and see me like this. 
  

All of the things mentioned above are real situations that have happened, and I would bet all are common for many other doulas as well.  Some women prefer to be extremely private, so for them it IS completely odd and horrible that a visitor would be in her home and see this part of life. 

But guess what.  I'm a doula. 

It's not a statement I make often, but in reality I've seen a lot of vaginas and touched a lot of breasts.  The world of birth is not a scary or grotesque world for me, and the state of your living room, your baby's temperament, or your manner of dress are not judged.

You don't get points deducted for having unopened mail or a sink full of dishes.  In fact, how about I do those dishes real quick for you...No...it's fine...just relax!  Tell me how you're feeling.  How was last night? 

One of the things I talk about with my clients is how to prepare with realistic expectations of the postpartum period.  Not just with their own bodies, but with guests and family too. 

If it is important to you to have a clean home and a spread ready to go whenever guests may arrive, let's talk about ways I can help you prepare for that so you personally won't have to take over the brunt of that work AND the work of being a new mom. 

Sorry Not Sorry

Hashtags can be cheeky, silly, expressive, annoying, or whatever....

But I have fully embraced the #sorrynotsorry hashtag.   It was a step in my recovery, if you want to call it that.  

Just because I was made aware of my habit of apologizing didn't make it easy to unlearn it.  It took practice.  Quite a lot actually.  Months of it. 

But it has been a wonderful change.  Freeing. And I can see this as a positive change both for me and my daughter.  I want her to see me using an apology at times where it holds meaning and value.  I don't want to cheapen the phrase through overuse and inappropriate timing. 

I won't pretend that I understand your personal relationship with the phrase, "I'm sorry."  But I know in birth and recovery for the 6 weeks after (or more), there is a new normal where the feelings and tasks that used to be easy are no longer easy. 

There are no apologies necessary for that change.  It is not your fault.  It just is.

I'd love to hear from you reader!  Do you have a #sorrynotsorry moment you want to share? 
What was early recovery and postpartum like for you in your home? 
Did you feel guilt and if so, what for?

Authored by A Swift Doula

I'm sorry to say, but No. (This is the short answer.)  Your husband will not be your doula.

Going into your delivery, your role is very clear - you get to give birth to your baby.  The role of your husband and the role of your doula are also very important, but different.  Let me explain...

*Your Husband/Partner In Labor
Your husband/partner is the person that is emotionally invested in you and your child.  This person will know your fears and history throughout your journey to this point, and they will have all of your feelings, cares, and expectations at the forefront of their minds. 

This person will be someone you will be comfortable being around, and will provide calm and resolve the way only an intimate partner can.  This is the person you have decided to do this with, this parenting thing - this is your together-in-this-beautiful-crazy-adventure person. 

Your husband/partner will be able to connect with you on an emotional level that no other person can, as you created this baby together, and (for many) are entering into parenthood side-by-side, heart-to-heart, with great joy and great excitement.


*The Doula in Labor
The doula is present in your pregnancy to educate, and then support, the decisions you decide are best for you and your baby.  Resources are provided, and referrals can be made with the healthy relationships she has cultivated in the community. 

Once at the birth, the doula is there to provide assurance and support.  The education that was provided prenatally will be ever ready should you or your partner have questions.  The doula will be trained to push on exactly the right spot when you need it, and will be able to suggest ways to help ease pain. 

But what is hard to convey until in the moment is when you are feeling contractions, and your doula is right there, eye to eye, showing you that YOU are normal, and what you are feeling is normal.  In those moments, a doula's worth is more than information, but in connection to where you are. 

There is great power in birth: physically, emotionally, and mentally.  As your doula, it is a heady time when your needs and my intuition sync in such a way that I can't help but feel connected to you as each contraction moves through the room, just like the contractions moved through countless women before you.   Your partner is there giving you comfort, I am there giving you a calm presence and a mirror to see your own strength with.     

When you have that lovely combination of medical care from a provider you trust, emotional support from your partner, and physical support from your doula, you will be supported by an incredible birth team! 

Did you have a doula at your birth?  What were your partner's reflections on having a doula after the fact?  I'd love to know!