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Name Shame

11/8/2014

3 Comments

 
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One of the changes to birth I, and many other birth workers, have witnessed in recent years is parents not wanting to share their expected child's name.

"We're waiting so it is a surprise," They say. 

What's really going on here?  

If I throw out the phrase Mommy Wars, are you familiar? 
Here...let me give you a small sampling of what is on the internet.  (Time article from a stay at home dad's perspective, More magazine links it to
assumptions about femininity, motherhood, marriage and finance, A Washington Post article mommy wars and the ensuing social demotion.)

I believe the Mommy Wars can be boiled down to one thing: fear.  Fear that choice equals judgement. 

Parenthood comes with a certain amount of stress and pressure.  But I don't believe women are prepared to feel the onslaught of emotions that come from other people's ideas about how to best nurture and raise their child. 

"Oh you're pregnant!  How wonderful.  Where are you delivering? ...oh!  A homebirth!  How...creative of you." 
"You are having a planned cesarean?  Haven't you seen the research that supports vaginal birth?"
"Are you planning to co-sleep?  You know crying it out just causes long term brain damage.  I forget where I read that but..."

And when it comes time to deliver her baby
, that mom is primed and on edge to be judged for every decision she will make regarding her child.  She may question her intuition.  She may feel she isn't going to be what her baby needs.  She may get overwhelmed researching what the latest research says, and feel paralyzed. 

This is why having labor support and/or a postpartum doula, can help.  Not only will there be incredible physical and educational resources at her fingertips, but she will be able to provide an emotional support that many women don't experience in pregnancy; a completely supportive partner. 

I am hired by women and their partners for many reasons, but sometimes, I have a prenatal conversation that goes something like this:

Me: Do you have any family members that will be present at your birth? 
Mother: My sister (mother, friend, in-laws, etc) really wants to be at the delivery, but...Would it be bad if we didn't call her when labor starts?

-or-

Me: Have you decided on a name?
Parents look at each other:  Well, we have but we aren't sharing it until he's born.
Me:  Ok.  I look forward to meeting him and being introduced!
Parents look at each other again:  Well, we are happy to tell you but we don't want our parents to know.  We just don't want to deal with them trying to change our minds. 

Ok.  I'm going to share something now that blows some client's minds... I offer non-judgemental support for women and their partners in labor and after. 

Non-judgemental support isn't just about how a woman may choose to deliver.  Non-judgemental support means I don't have an opinion on your baby's name.  I don't have an opinion, as your doula, on how you want to feed your child.  I don't have an opinion, as your doula, about who should be at your birth. 

I know some pretty awesome "tricks" for labor and with newborn care, but there is no trick here.  There is incredible value in being supported.  Incredible strength comes from being empowered.  So a tip if you are reading this as a support person to a pregnant woman, or new mom - be a support person she can come to when everyone else is supportive-with-strings-attached. 

Authored by A Swift Doula

3 Comments

Pressure, before Labor Ever Begins

10/19/2014

4 Comments

 
 Pressure.  Not the push-the-baby-out kind. 

I was lucky in my pregnancy.  I didn’t have unusual sickness, I was able to stay mobile, and I was able to keep working until my due date.  But as soon as my due date hit, I had to stay home. 

It wasn’t anything about my pregnancy that made for the change.  It was the pressure.  The pressure from my co-workers and customers made me want to curl up and cry.  The road to hell is paved with good intentions, they say, and it was starting to feel like my own personal hell. 

The day after my due date I walked in to, “You’re STILL pregnant!”

It was the first time in my pregnancy that my body felt broken, that I had done something wrong.  Was I a bad mother for not delivering my baby when I was “supposed” to?

I had read the books and taken the classes so I knew that the average first time mom doesn’t deliver until she is 41+ weeks.

 I knew that, but I felt different. 

Up until my due date, I was in the throws of fall.  Friends were going to corn mazes people were trying to find last minute Halloween costumes.  Because I was due on October 30th I made zero plans for the holiday, thinking hopefully, I’d be holding my baby.

So now, every fall, as parents are looking for festivals and pumpkin patches, whenever I see I pregnant woman, it comes back.  Trying to relax is very hard when it feels like your entire community is waiting for you to have a baby. 

I know I’m not the only one who has felt this pressure.  As I doula for more and more women, it seems it is almost unavoidable.  So if you have a pregnant woman in your life, perhaps to REALLY help her, be a safe place for her to rest. 

Keep the Pressure Off
  • Offer pillows to help get her situated comfortably.  Offer some water.   It really is the small things sometimes. 
  • Suggest a phone free afternoon, and go see a movie.  So much pressure can come from social media now that suggesting a no-phone friend date can be incredibly restorative.
  • Try not to focus on the uncomfortable parts of day-to-day life, but instead ask her what she is looking forward to.  Who will the baby look like?  How did they pick the name?  Any baby clothes she wants to show you?
  • Tell her she is beautiful.  She may be feeling anything but attractive, but she needs to hear it. 
  • And if she wants it, help her find a last minute costume to get her out of the house!

4 Comments
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