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The migratory Pattern Of a Thought in Labor

6/23/2015

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I'm in a new phase of Repeat Everything

People joke that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, but I'm not sucker; it's not insanity - that's parenting. 

When I was chatting with my non-English speaking infant, she would gurgle, and I found myself saying over and over, "Tell me all about it!"

When my daughter was walking and still not talking,  there I was saying the words over and over, "Do you want more?  More?  More?"  until my word was linked to the few baby signs she was learning. 

And now, fast forward, my 3-year-old understands me.  She speaks to me.  We have conversations that make us both laugh, like this one from bedtime last night:

H: (whisper) Shhhhhhh.  Mommy, it's time to sleep.
Me: (whisper) Ok, Harper.
H: ....Fffffffffffffff..... (followed by both of us laughing)
Me:  Is your butt going to go to sleep too?

(Both of us crack up laughing)

Me: (whisper) Oh sorry....shhhhhhh.....
Harper: Mommy stop.  I'm the leader of the shushes.  
Me:  Okay Harper

(We don't repeat that over and over.  I promise.  But sometimes a fart joke needs to be made...)

Putting toys away, getting dressed, the plan for the day...over and over and over.  And it's not that she doesn't hear or understand, it's that there are so many distractions in the world for a 3-year-old. 

Pro Tip:  Distractions aren't all in the physical world, so watch out for fun conversations coming out of left field. EX:

Me: Harp, c'mon, in your seat.  Let's get buckled and go. 
H: Mom, where are we going?
Me: Home.
H: But Mexico is much more exciting.  Why don't we there first?
(Yes, why don't we!   ...sigh...  )
Me: Do you know where Mexico is? 
Harp: On the map.  My fingers can go there fast.  Look at my nail polish!  My auntie did it for me!

Inevitably, carrying a pile of laundry to her room ends up being an obstacle course.  "Hey mommy!  Come look at this new trick I can do!"

Picking up books turns in to drawing pictures, playing with Lego, and jumping on her trampoline.  "Hey mommy!  Look at this new jump I just learned!"

Doing the dishes together is not really doing the dishes.  "Hey mommy!  Look at this splash I can make!"

And she's off again!  My little swiftlet indeed has the attention span of a bird.  And all of it is fine and part of life, and honestly, part of the joy in being three.  Plus she is stinking adorable, so yeah...

Repeating myself is part of her learning process, and me being patient (even when it's really really really hard) is to her benefit.

Bringing this Back Around...
I don't just repeat myself to my daughter. 

There are a few times in life when people need calm, patient understanding.  For women going through labor, being in the moment is a way to both help contractions do the best work they can, and for a woman to connect with her experience. It does no good to imagine all the contractions that need to come before the baby arrives.

So we take it one contraction at a time. 

One breath at a time. 

And often, taking a deep, low, long breath is very difficult to remember.  So I say, over and over and over,

"Breathe.  Good.  Just like that." 

It's not that a laboring mother has the attention span of a 3-year-old.  It's that labor is hard.  Pain has the incredible ability to make us lose focus. 

So I say again, "Here one comes.  Big breath in, and slowly let it out.  Good.  Breath in, and out."  Until that mom is able to get into her rhythm and starts to respond to silent cues from how we touch, how the room shifts, how her partner hubs her back, how we all start to breath together.

It's a cycle, you see.  It keeps going. 

After her baby is born, she tries again and again to help her little baby understand the world.  Her baby is stimulated from the entire world!  And mom is there to bring it back down, help that little baby focus, and teach some very incredible things. 

Thoughts wander.  The brain is exercising.  It is a great incredible thing to witness in my toddler. 

But in labor, wandering thoughts, unexpected distractions, and fear can make the experience feel harder than it already is. 

So let's bring it back down...
Pull that focus back...
Your thoughts want to fly up with a gust of excitement, but you have a tight hold at the bottom, slowly winding up that string, around and around and around...and you bring it back to your center...back to your baby...
Breathe all the way down...

Good...just like that...

Authored by A Swift Doula
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Stitches

5/22/2015

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I bet you can sew.  I bet you. 

Because guess what, all sewing is is putting two pieces of cloth together with a bit of string. 

I’ve been sewing since I was a tiny girl.  My mom helped me cut out squares and I would slowly stitch together a Barbie sleeping bag. 

And I was so proud of my Barbie sleeping bag. 

Then I put some more squares together, and I made a teddy bear blanket. 

Then I put some more squares together and I made a blanket for myself!

I learned how to make something beautiful that would nurture people by slowly stitching together small pieces of material, with a little bit of string. 

When I think about sewing now, it becomes more involved, I get stressed if I didn’t measure correctly, I worry about how much time I’m able to devote to the process, and, oh God, what if my toddler finds all the pins and scissors?!

So I don’t sew very often. 

What I enjoy about sewing now, is something a bit silly. 

I love the fabric. 

Have you ever found yourself chatting with a shop owner in your favorite part of town on a sunny day and fall in love with something? 

Did you ever get happy just walking into a place because the woman behind the counter lights up when she sees you come through the door?

I have.  I hope everyone gets the chance to feel that.

Right now, I’m just a mom, trying to remember who I was when I had time to sew.  

Even through I don’t have the time to devote to all of the sewing projects that used to fill my (now non-existent) Etsy shop, I do have time to visit my local fabric store, see the patterns, new designs, and colors of the beautiful fabrics, and bring a bit of that happiness home with me. 

I love my scraps of fabric.  I love knowing I have the ability and the power to make incredibly beautiful pieces of art with my hands and imagination. 

And I love knowing that even if I am away from my local shop owner for a while, she will still light up when I walk in the door, because she understands this kind of beauty. 

She understands that the fabric of life is everyday moments and the thread is warm smiles, a touch of comfort, and an exchange of feeling. 

Real feeling. 

So I feel my fabric between my fingers, and I feel the fabric of my life, and I make stitches.

One after another after another. 

Authored by A Swift Doula
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World Doula Week - The invaluable side Of Doula Care

3/23/2015

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Yesterday, I shared that before becoming a doula, I had a wonderful, stable job working for Barnes & Noble.  I had insurance!  I had vacation days!  I had access to interesting people with interesting things to say and I was helping my community through literacy!  It was (how many more exclamation points do you need.....) ah-mazing!!!

And I made the choice to leave it. 

I then made the choice to become a doula.  A year and a half after starting my career as a doula, I became a ProDoula. 

When I was introduced to ProDoula through a woman named Randy Patterson, a few things happened:
  1.  I stopped feeling guilty for needing to make a living
  2.  I realized my attraction to this work was not just as a woman doing women's work, but it was a deep seeded need in me to be WITH women.   
For me, finding ProDoula was the key to a very large pad lock that opened feelings and memories that I had pushed away.  Why?  Because they didn't make me feel good!  Because of judgement, disappointment, or guilt.  And women are criticized for our feelings, aren't we?  So I put them away. 

And Randy Patterson and the other women I have been doing this work WITH, crawled in that deep dark space with me while sitting on Debbie Aglietti's basement floor.  And they showed me what it was like to really be with Women's Women.   Women who love other women.  Women who want big, inspiring things.  Women who understand that we will all do those big inspiring things in our own creative ways. 

I was a good doula before I became a ProDoula.  I knew all the right questions, I pushed on all the rights spots, I had the right information.  But after ProDoula, I finally really understood the need, and power of women showing empathy. 

Real support.  Non-judgmental support.  Being in the dark cave, together. 

And as I unlocked all of the pain, guilt, and disappointment, I started to let other things go too.  I started to let my "character flaws" out and stretch their sore limbs. 

Turns out, what I thought was flippancy was the ability to adapt.  Turns out what I thought was being bossy, was in fact my ability to be a decisive doer. 

I came back from an amazing experience and I started to try out this new self, with all my feelings and memories and baggage out for any who took a minute to see it.  And I started believing that my voice was powerful. 

And I now with this found voice, I learned to be much better listener.  I see and hear women trying to navigate through a world where pregnancy has made their own emotions a little closer to the top - those emotions are a little easier to access. 

Those emotions and fears are valuable.  They are valid.  They are good.

I walk into a woman's living room, and her emotions get all over her face, and she feels bad.  She feels wrong.  And I get so sit with her, and look at her emotions on her face, and nose and hands and tissues, and be with her.  And say that those emotions sound really hard and I am so glad she shared those really hard emotions with me. 

It isn't a space many people are willing to go.  My work lets me go there.  I get to go there!  I get to be a real women with other real women. 

And this is only a small part of the work that I do. 

But this is the invaluable part.  This is the part that gets hard to explain in a fee.


I talk about my on-call schedule.  I talk about being available on the phone.  I talk about specific hours of time and things like how many times we will meet, because in our society, these are the things that can be measured and checked off a list.  (And they are important too!)

But today, during World Doula Week, I wanted to talk a bit about what else the fee covers.  Non-judgmental support.  Being WITH you in labor.  Having a person in the room who is comfortable with all the ugly baggage and still looks you in the face and says, hey I see you over there.  Don't worry, I see you. 

Authored by A Swift Doula


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Other amazing writers are getting the word out about World Doula Week. Visit the World Doula Week Blog Challenge Blog Hop. 
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Dear New Mom

12/15/2014

2 Comments

 
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Dear New Mom –

Your baby is here!  You are probably holding him, or her, right now, wondering if it is normal to feel so much love.  How is it possible that a person can feel so much for someone that has just arrived? 

You are getting to know your baby today.  Smelling her head, looking at her perfect finger nails – each yawn and scrunched face is perfect and a remarkable moment. 

When he cries, your heart leaps out of you.  When your feed him, it is as though you can see your energy and strength pouring directly into his tiny body, because he is already bigger than yesterday.  Stop growing little baby!  Your changes are coming too fast!

Dear New Mom, you are tired today.  The hours no longer tick by in the same, reliable way they used to.  You seem to be in a new world, where minutes drag, and the wee, early bits of the day are now so familiar as you sit to feed and comfort your new child. 

Did you remember to eat?  Are you thirsty right now?  The idea of going to the grocery store is unbearable.  I know that car seat looks deceptively light.  I know it is the most awkward contraption.  I know the idea of taking your new baby in and out of it is terrifying. 

Dear New Mom, do you miss yourself?  Does this new person in your reflection surprise you?  Are you confused about when so much of yourself disappeared?   Has it only been a week or two?  Are you worried in a few months you won’t know yourself at all? 

Dear New Mom, have you noticed your strength yet?  Have you stretched out your arms and back and felt a pause when your baby is not there in that cozy crook?  Have you seen how you are able to sooth pain and discomfort in a way that no other person can?  Have you recognized that magic?

Dear New Mom, everything is going to be all right.  You are learning, your baby is learning, and everyone in your life is learning that you are a new person.  How could you possible prepare for something like this?  Each day will help to mold your resolve, embolden your instincts, and give you courage to make the decisions that no other person can make. 

When it gets to be to be too much, please know that your friends want to help you.  Please know that asking will feel like a huge hurdle, but people aren’t sure what you need.  Please know that you won’t be left in the cold with unbearable weights to hold.  You are loved.  Please ask. 

Dear New Mom, sooner than can be expected, you won’t be a new mom anymore.  You may see other new moms trying to figure out how to get in and out of the store.  You may see other new moms needing just a few minutes on her phone to zone out or be “normal.”  They may be unsure of how to talk to you and the world.  And it will hit you, you have figured some things out, all on your own.  Some things aren’t scary anymore!  You are on to learning older, different mom things!

We are all in this together, New Mom. 

Love,
A recently Not-New Mom

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Unplug, Explore - Chicago in Winter

11/17/2014

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This is my first full winter as a parent living in Chicago.  We moved in a snowstorm, but we weren't here for the first flakes.   So here we go!  Snow!

We were invited and happily accepted an invitation to get out of Chicago for a day and take part in our friend's community harvest dinner.  It was both the first time I had gone to the Harvest Dinner, and the first time I had left Chicago with the intent to go to Michigan!  Oh lovely, pure Michigan!

It was great to take Harper to explore the trails, weeds, and space.  She was happy to crunch the leaves beneath her feet and brush off the thin layer of snow to see what it was hiding. 

This lovely day of outdoor cold adventures got me thinking about how we could enjoy what is now our own back yard. 

Where do Chicago Parents go in the winter?  Well, this is what I found from word-a-mouth and some poking about:

Sledding in Chicago:
    Sledding at the Midway
    Sledding at 18th, the folks on yelp think it's the bee's knees!
    Sledding at Cricket Hill, it's on Chicago Tribune's list of best hills in the city

Ice skating in Chicago:
    Ice skating at the Midway
    Ice skating at Millenium Park, this seems so lovely and romantic to me..ah...

And I'd love to learn more.  Where do you go?  What should we do?

If you get the itch and head to the Midway this winter after a fresh snow fall, hopefully I'll see you there.  Bring your kids and some warm cocoa.  Hopefully we won't be kept inside by another polar vortex!

And, if all the outdoor plans get laid to waste, Harper learned how to play canasta with the kids in Michigan, so just ask.  She'd love to teach you.  (photo below)

Author: A Swift Doula

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Postpartum Doulas Could be The Key

11/3/2014

5 Comments

 
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As a Chicago Doula, I am so happy to be a part of such a fine birth community.  Our hospitals can serve thousands of families everyday, and the care Chicago mothers receive while pregnant, and in labor,  is fantastic. 

With
two major airports, if your family isn't here yet, they can be soon.  So bring that baby home and... FREAK OUT!



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There is room for Us All

7/17/2014

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Those first forays as a soon to be mother diving into information were nasty.  It was overwhelming, confusing, and just too much.   Too much stress, too many options, too many dangers to protect my baby from - and she wasn't even born! 

My co-workers at the time had opinions about the best morning sickness cures, the best books to read (which was a long list when working at a bookstore!), and scrolls of things to stay away from.  As my stomach grew and it became more likely I was pregnant, I could feel the watchful eyes of strangers judging my food orders when out, and my shopping cart at the grocery store.  "What you should really be doing is prenatal yoga," said a complete stranger. 

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You're a what? 

4/15/2014

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I am so lucky I have a job I love.  I love it so much, I usually find a way to bring it up in every conversation, to the point, that I if I had a mouth-bibliometer (I just made that word up) I probably say "doula" at least 30 times. 

Like today for instance...

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