A Swift Doula Blog, Chicago

Father's Day Photo Contest - Selected Winners

6/21/2015

Happy Father's Day.
Today is bittersweet.
This last December, we lost an incredible dad in our family. My husband's father passed after a long battle with cancer. At his funeral, my husband read one of his father's favorite poems, and I want to share it with you all, as it is a lovely and inspirational.

Thank you to all who sent photos for this Father's Day Photo Contest! Our family is feeling the sting of a new first without our Papa Gus, so being brought into so many of your lives where joy, love, and family are reflected so beautifully...thank you for sharing. It is lovely to have a view into what life looks like in your world.

And To all those who have lost a dad and are feeling that void today, know you are in my thoughts as well.

If - by Rudyard Kipling
(‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

All the photos below have been shared with the expressed permission of their owners and are not for use outside of this post. Special thank you to Chelsea, Stephanie, Jennifer, and Cathy!!!

Chelsea writes of her husband, "I just love a babywearing dad... so blessed my husband loves to wear our boys :)"

Stephanie writes, "Cousins (9 mo and 2 years old) feeding fish with their dads on a hot summer day in MN."

Jennifer writes, "This is a special moment when David was extremely tired and his Dad was there to comfort him."

Cathy writes of her husband, "In addition to being a high school science teacher, Kiel volunteers at the Field Museum and Peggy Notebart Nature Museum. He is working towards becoming Illinois' first male doula and believes that investing his time into our children and his family is the highest priority. This is a picture of Kiel. It sums him up perfectly: a nature loving, not traditional, devoted father. I am proud to be his wife!"

In memory of Gus, seen here in his favorite photo with our daughter at her 1st birthday. We miss you!

Authored by A Swift Doula for Father's Day 2015

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#doulaRevolution

3/29/2015

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meme made by Denise Forman for #worlddoulaweek

World Doula Week is over. It was incredible to see the word #doula trending on Facebook, in part because of a blog challenge hosted by September Phillips of Not Just Nine Birth Services. And even more incredible to see how many women were engaged in their communities to get the word out. The word doula. Doula. #Doula.

There is another tag that has been going around. It's #doularevolution. And it's been building. Women from across the globe have been making changes so that they can pursue doula work.

Doula work as their profession, not as a hobby. Women are learning what it means to be business women. They are learning what it means to follow a dream and build something with passion. And they are learning to "turn their passion into a paycheck."

I got to see this revolution begin in a Facebook group called The Business of Being a Doula. There Randy Patterson braved the water of "how it's always been done" and pushed women to think beyond what they were told, to see how they could be better, and to choose what was best for themselves.

It is a bold move for a woman to put herself first. But it shouldn't be. (Lessons in life, motherhood, and business come crashing together in this business group.)

From Randy and her partner Debbie came ProDoula. From ProDoula came the tools women needed to make the changes.

And as Heidi Shulista of Kansas City Doulas states when she talks about the #doularevolution, "A revolution happens because lots of like-minded people all have the same thoughts, at the same time, and they all move simultaneously in the same direction to make the change they believe is necessary to happen."

ProDoula isn't a brainwashing. ProDoula isn't telling women about what they are doing wrong. What makes them unique is they actually practice the values they teach. They support women - pregnant women, laboring women, business women. They give tools so women can make choices that are best for them - tools for labor, tools for business, and really, tools for life.

And the #doularevolution is picking up steam because of one simple thing: it makes sense. It makes sense that woman should be paid for their work. It makes sense that businesses can't survive on offering services for free. It makes sense that for our profession to be taken seriously, new doulas need to start smart business practices from their first birth on.

It doesn't make sense that women and families should suffer financially so other women and their families can be supported through birth.

Our culture has changed but our hearts are still here. The #doularevolution isn't just about a paycheck. The #doularevolution is, in part, about taking the choke collars that the "sisterhood of free birth" offer women as a tool to gain experience, and instead offer guidance, tried and true models, and wisdom. Actual tools for longevity and sustainable careers. Actual help from actual mentors.

It has been an incredible week. It has been an incredible year. the #doularevolution is just picking up steam.

Authored by A Swift Doula
Photo credit to Denise Foreman, The Issaquah Doula

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The Revolution Will Not be Supervised

2/25/2015

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One of my biggest fears moving to Chicago - I have no idea how to raise a child here.

Why? Because I grew up in almost the exact opposite of this city.

My childhood seems like something out of a time warp. My siblings and I played unsupervised for large periods of time. We were given permission, and even encouraged, to make trips to the nearest city, 3 miles away, on our bicycles for the sake of exploring. We were in charge of chopping wood, building a fire in winter, and preparing meals, all at ages that are considered abuse by some these days.

Part of what I loved about my childhood is how much time I spent BY MYSELF.

I had to be responsible for myself. Sometimes that meant getting myself from one place to another. Sometimes that mean I had to get myself down from a tree. Knowing I had no support in executing these tasks made me both aware of how far into trouble I was going, and then proud of my ability to get out of it.

So, I want to be able to give my daughter freedom to learn without me near by. But now, I am in a city and culture that thinks my child can’t to things has to be protected at all costs.

An article in the Atlantic gave some insight into how we got here. This has been gaining momentum since the 80's. The ruling of a case involving a family from Chicago became the impetus for the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission publishing the first Handbook for Public Playground Safety in 1981, a short set of general guidelines to govern the equipment.

In Chicago, with it's 580 parks, there are many opportunities for play. It is wonderful. However, there has also been studies that these safer playgrounds aren't being used because they pose little challenge to those using them.

But with all of the regulations and changes to playground safety, it has been shown that there has not been a reduction of children's visits to emergency rooms. I am no researcher, but the risky behavior seems to have moved from the playground to...elsewhere - where ever the child can find an opportunity to make choices for himself, to explore organically, and live the thrill.

So back to my original worries about parenting in a city - where can she spend time by herself that won't get me arrested, and will let her have an authentic thrilling experience?

There is no answer for this right now. As parents, we will have to wade through as we go.

What I think is important right now is that I know I want my daughter to have these opportunities to explore by herself.

Perhaps it will start with going down to our building's lobby to get the mail by herself. Perhaps at some point it will mean me giving her a shopping list and waiting at the front of the store for her to gather some items. At some point, she will ride the CTA by herself.

Will I be concerned and anticipate her return? Absolutely! But one of my parenting goals is to have a well adjusted, independent daughter who knows she can come to me with anything. I see that she won't be able to come TO me if she isn't APART from me at some point.

If I want her to know how to always come home, she needs to know where home is. So to get ready for this, we'll work on basics for a three year old:
What is mommy's name?
What is mommy's phone number?
Where do you live?

How do you set safe boundaries with your children? If you live in a large city, how do you navigate this?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Now You Get to Be The Guide

1/21/2015

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We receive all sorts of guidance in life. Tour guides, guidance counselors, instructors...

A guide is (so says Mr. Webster)

a person who leads or directs other people on a journey
a person who shows and explains the interesting things in a place
a person who helps to direct another person's behavior, life, career, etc.

Now compared to the definition of a parent:

a person who is a father or mother : a person who has a child
an animal or plant that produces a young animal or plant
something out of which another thing has developed

Do you see how you are the first, and possibly, the greatest guide for your young child in this life?

There is a great post on Just Wanderlust about characteristics of a great tour guide. If you have been reading my blog, you may remember I have a fond appreciation for tours. I believe all of the points can be related to parenting but some favorites are:

From the section on time management -

"A great tour guide is aware of the start and end time but is flexible with the time and will tailor the day based on your interests and your time constraints. Great tour guides never rush you as they are on your schedule."

Children don't know about clocks or time. They don't know what being patient means. They don't know that you have a tight schedule, or even what a schedule is. As parents, keeping kids going in the direction we need them to and at a pace we need them to is difficult. But sometimes it is possible to literally, stop and smell the roses. And look at the color. And talk about thorns and bugs, and dirt, and rain, and oh look! That flower is pretty too! ...and you are now enjoying the whole garden.

Another great section is on color commentary -

"A great tour guide is a gifted story teller who is passionate about the attraction he’s showing you. His historical accounts will take you back in time. He’ll weave in personal anecdotes about what it’s like to live there including the good, the bad, and the ugly… and you’ll even laugh. He’ll not only tell you about the culture, he’ll incorporate some cultural experiences into the tour (e.g., stopping for mint tea in Morocco or sampling putrefied shark in Iceland). He’ll talk to you like you are long-time friend in town for a visit."

Kids love stories. In fact, research shows that children who are read to are more likely to remain life long learners, not because of vocabulary or content of the story, but because an emotional bond was established with a parent at an early age when being read to.

But stories don't just come from books. They can come from our minds and our lives. Tell your child a story. Any kind will do. They will benefit regardless of the topic.

And the last bit I'll share from this great post, is about the initial introduction to a group.

"The best guides spend the tour getting to know the guests on the tour that day and not in an intrusive way but in a way that shows genuine interest. It could be during the car ride, over lunch/drinks, or as you walk from site to site."

Your child is someone you are getting to know. They will change, like new things, learn new things, and change. As parents, it is important to know who your child is right now. What does you child like right now, not yesterday. This comes from asking questions, and then listening to what they say. No, not just listening, but really hearing them.

With babies, it can be difficult, as language is not a skill they are able to master until later. But they speak through smiles, they speak through curiosity, they speak through (yes, this too) showing displeasure. So, are you hearing your child?

One of my favorite times in my day is the drive to daycare in the morning, and the drive home when daycare is done. It is a short few moments, where my daughter is sharing exciting things that are in her head. Every morning, we have our rituals: we round a bend and see the Chicago Skyline and shout, "Good morning Chicago!" and off we go, talking about the color of Lake Michigan that day, if the birds are napping in the harbor or if the fishermen have caught anything. We talk about what she would like to do when I pick her up, and we sing silly songs.

She and I don't have a meeting at the table with pencil and paper to discuss these things, but they happen, in real time. I know that these little snippets will make harder conversations later in life come a bit easier. And then, I will be a guide in a different way - talking and listening about bullies in school, talking and listening about persistence, and talking and listening about about her goals.

The crazy thing about this whole guide/guided journey, is she is my guide also. It is not just give give give. And it isn't just take take take. We get to help each other, guide each other through this parent/child relationship. For her and I, it started even before she was born- her telling me through position and discomfort how to move my body so she could best travel into the world. It won't end until, hopefully, a very long time has passed.

I am so excited for this adventure!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Legacy

1/20/2015

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Some people have children because they need to see themselves in the next generation. They need to know that part of them will live on after their own short life is over. They need a family legacy to share in the history of those who have worked so hard before them. They need someone to remember. They need to add something to this life.

Recently we suffered a great loss in our family. My husband's father passed away on December 31st and this last weekend we laid his ashes to rest. I really can't stop myself from thinking about how birth and death are such incredible things.

Being a birth doula, I am surrounded by unlimited potential. So many wonderful humans are being born everyday and they are already remarkable. And as soon as those bundles of joy are here, parents are born too, and they have choices to make and (POOF!) just like that, the pressure is on to be good, and right, and correct. (Although, as a parent, I have found there is great power and importance in allowing space for "wrong.")

And this is where we get down to the point: our legacy is something we have power over. How we are remembered is something we can influence through our actions, goals, and conversations. What we leave isn't just stuff, but feelings, ideas, memories.

As a parent, what do I want my child to remember about me and her time with me? As a doula, how am I adding value to my profession and my community? Why am I here?

These thoughts are helping me see through some of this groggy fog of grief. Hearing the wonderful stories about my father-in-law are refreshing and uplifting. The small part of life I witnessed was only a slice of his - he had 67 years of relationships that left their mark.

Just yesterday, the information that is in the image above was shared on social media. It struck such a chord with me that I had to stop and evaluate how I was conducting myself. I agree with the statement above and I needed to check myself against what it is encouraging.

I felt stronger/better in her presence. Yes. I want women to feel stronger in my presence. I want to lift up and not tear down.

She always did what she said. I want to be a mom of my word. I want to be a doula of my word. I want to be a business owner of my word. I want my statements to be meaningful.

She increased acceptance and compassion in others. Yes, I want to increase acceptance and compassion. I want to help bridge sides. I want to help grow understanding and tolerance.

She instilled strength in our daughters. YES. I want to instill strength in my daughter, and your daughter. I want the daughters of this world to be brave and fearless. I believe my last post speaks directly to this.

She educated the masses. I am not a trained teacher, but I will share my knowledge with any that will listen (or read, dear Reader). Knowledge is what started me on the path to this profession, and helping other mothers have knowledge to make decisions that are best for their families will be a steady driving force in my work. Women with information are unstoppable.

She encouraged open-mindedness. There is a saying, that the world is a book, and if you don't travel, you are only reading the first page. I want to encourage women to read past the first page of their autobiography. I want women to dive into themselves, their feelings, their histories and their prejudices. Ask questions - of yourself, of your care provider, of your surroundings, of your understanding of normal. I want to help open doors to the millions of possible answers.

She left her family a financial success. Yes. I don't think there is anyone that doesn't want this. But I want it so badly and share why it is so important to my daughter. I want to share with her that relationships should be shared because you want to share them, you want to be in them, not because you have to be in them. And I know this looks different for every family, but I know what this looks like for me.

Although these traits are labeled The Legacy of a Doula, they ring true outside of business. And perhaps that is a greater legacy: genuine, knowledgeable, available, and steadfast.

As Heidi Shulista from Kansas City Doulas asks, "For what will you be remembered? For whom are you living?"

So do you know, for what will YOU be remembered? For whom are YOU living?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Father's Day Photo Contest - Selected Winners

#doulaRevolution

The Revolution Will Not be Supervised

Now You Get to Be The Guide

Legacy

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