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Now You Get to Be The Guide

1/21/2015

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We receive all sorts of guidance in life.  Tour guides, guidance counselors, instructors...

A guide is (so says Mr. Webster)
  • a person who leads or directs other people on a journey
  • a person who shows and explains the interesting things in a place
  • a person who helps to direct another person's behavior, life, career, etc. 
Now compared to the definition of a parent:
  • a person who is a father or mother : a person who has a child
  • an animal or plant that produces a young animal or plant
  •  something out of which another thing has developed
Do you see how you are the first, and possibly, the greatest guide for your young child in this life?

There is a great post on Just Wanderlust about characteristics of a great tour guide.  If you have been reading my blog, you may remember I have a fond appreciation for tours.  I believe all of the points can be related to parenting but some favorites are:

From the section on time management - 

"
A great tour guide is aware of the start and end time but is flexible with the time and will tailor the day based on your interests and your time constraints.  Great tour guides never rush you as they are on your schedule."

Children don't know about clocks or time.  They don't know what being patient means.  They don't know that you have a tight schedule, or even what a schedule is.  As parents, keeping kids going in the direction we need them to and at a pace we need them to is difficult.  But sometimes it is possible to literally, stop and smell the roses.  And look at the color.  And talk about thorns and bugs, and dirt, and rain, and oh look!  That flower is pretty too!  ...and you are now enjoying the whole garden. 

Another great section is on color commentary -

"A great tour guide is a gifted story teller who is passionate about the attraction he’s showing you.  His historical accounts will take you back in time.  He’ll weave in personal anecdotes about what it’s like to live there including the good, the bad, and the ugly… and you’ll even laugh.  He’ll not only tell you about the culture, he’ll incorporate some cultural experiences into the tour (e.g., stopping for mint tea in Morocco or sampling putrefied shark in Iceland). He’ll talk to you like you are long-time friend in town for a visit."

Kids love stories.  In fact, research shows that children who are read to are more likely to remain life long learners, not because of vocabulary or content of the story, but because an emotional bond was established with a parent at an early age when being read to. 

But stories don't just come from books.  They can come from our minds and our lives.  Tell your child a story.  Any kind will do.  They will benefit regardless of the topic.

And the last bit I'll share from this great post, is about the initial introduction to a group.

"
The best guides spend the tour getting to know the guests on the tour that day and not in an intrusive way but in a way that shows genuine interest.  It could be during the car ride, over lunch/drinks, or as you walk from site to site."
Your child is someone you are getting to know.  They will change, like new things, learn new things, and change.  As parents, it is important to know who your child is right now.  What does you child like right now, not yesterday.  This comes from asking questions, and then listening to what they say.  No, not just listening, but really hearing them. 

With babies, it can be difficult, as language is not a skill they are able to master until later.  But they speak through smiles, they speak through curiosity, they speak through (yes, this too) showing displeasure.  So, are you hearing your child? 

One of my favorite times in my day is the drive to daycare in the morning, and the drive home when daycare is done.  It is a short few moments, where my daughter is sharing exciting things that are in her head.  Every morning, we have our rituals:  we round a bend and see the Chicago Skyline and shout, "Good morning Chicago!" and off we go, talking about the color of Lake Michigan that day, if the birds are napping in the harbor or if the fishermen have caught anything.  We talk about what she would like to do when I pick her up, and we sing silly songs. 

She and I don't have a meeting at the table with pencil and paper to discuss these things, but they happen, in real time.  I know that these little snippets will make harder conversations later in life come a bit easier.  And then, I will be a guide in a different way - talking and listening about bullies in school, talking and listening about persistence, and talking and listening about about her goals.

The crazy thing about this whole guide/guided journey, is she is my guide also.  It is not just give give give.  And it isn't just take take take.  We get to help each other, guide each other through this parent/child relationship.  For her and I, it started even before she was born- her telling me through position and discomfort how to move my body so she could best travel into the world.  It won't end until, hopefully, a very long time has passed. 

I am so excited for this adventure!

Authored by A Swift Doula
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Magic Doula

12/29/2014

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Knock, knock, knock!

"We're so glad you're here!"

As a doula, I get to walk into some pretty amazing situations and give support.  Help that makes some parents believe I work some incredible magic into their lives. 

As a birth doula, I can push on the right spot, I can anticipate needing that drink, I can look deep into your eyes as you feel the bit of yourself unlock that you weren't sure was there. 

Oh, it's there alright, I'm looking right at it.  *magic*

As a postpartum doula, my "magic" looks different. 

I walk into a client's home, and it may look like this: the baby is crying, and mom or dad is walking, bounding, shhhhshing trying everything they can to get that baby to be calm.  The Netflix on, the dish washer is running.  Notifications from their cell phones won't stop because, "OMG, You guys!  You're parents!  Congrats!  This is so awesome!" 

Meanwhile...bouncing, shhhshing, walking...

Let's flip this to the adult world.  Imagine you have never been to a casino.  You have no idea that you will be bombarded with sounds, lights, noise, smells, and people.  There are constant bells going off with a new winner just beyond that row of flashing lights.  The clink, swoosh, clink, swoosh, of slot machines.  And the floor plan is huge - you feel like you have been walking for days through the maze of machines, tables, tvs, and people.  Someone is coming to you about every 15 minutes to see if you want to order food or a beverage from the bar. 

Clink, swoosh.  Clink, swoosh. 

You go to the bathroom to get a break and there are commercials playing on the (appropriately named) loud speakers. 

By the time you leave and get to your car, you need to sit there for a minute and let all that noise, all those lights, all that stuff to just fizzle out of your head.  It is totally overwhelming!  Think of Disney Land.  Think of your mall around the holidays.  Think of a rock concert.  All of these examples give an inkling of what your infant is feeling.

You may not think that your home, with it's comfy pillows, quirky art, and delicious meals is anything close to a hoppin' casino, but to your new baby, you are living at Caesars Palace! 

But the difference between you and your baby is you have had time to learn how to cope with the busy world.  You can leave if you want.  You can turn things off.  You can say, "Hey!  Knock it off over there!"

What can babies do?  Cry.  Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry. 

But you're holding them, and shhhhshing them, and walking with them!  What gives!

You may be trying to help, but unfortunately, it's backfiring. 

So I show up and I work my "magic." 

I change the babies diaper. 
I grab a cozy blanket that smells like mom.
I go to a dark, quiet place.
I wrap the baby around with smells of mom, and nestle him or her right in the crook of my neck. 
I make make a calm, low, shhhusing sound, and I lightly pat his or her bottom, over and over. 

No bouncing.  No Walking.  No lights.  I'm giving baby time to step back from that scary, confusing place, and replace all the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings with very, little else.  

It will take some time.  Put a comfy chair in the spot you will use to calm your baby. 

If this is you, Mom, reading this post, start all this with a big breath, and let your self relax too.  Baby will feel your stress, so if you need to put baby is a safe place for a few minutes, that's okay. 

Go back refreshed, realizing that for 9-months, all baby knew was you.  You were the world your baby belonged to. 

As you get to know your baby better, you will begin to recognize signs that baby is getting over stimulated.  You will then be able to plan how to keep it from happening. 

You already have the magic that comes from being the parent to this wonderful human.  With some insight into your baby's world, you will develop your own "magic" and the evenings with fussy baby will become easier and easier. 

Hang in there.  This get better. 

Authored by A Swift Doula
Special thanks to HelloDoDoshop on Etsy for use of their adorable image.  Visit their page for other adorable items.

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