A Swift Doula Blog, Chicago

Habitual Apology

6/8/2015

Ever get smacked in the face with a lesson? One of those awakenings that is both blunt and truthful. One which, after you notice it, you can't help but be smacked over and over with the day-to-day situations where you never noticed before?

For me it's apologizing. Or was.

I was at a party last fall where I was called out by a friend (in a nice way) who made me realize I am/was a habitual apologizer. I would say "I'm sorry" in situations that were just plain unnecessary.

We have a language where hundreds and hundreds of other words could be used, and I was editing down to an apology. I know I'm not the only one here that can identify with this.

Mostly I know because I work with people who do it all the time. New moms. (I would say parents, but I don't really have moments with male parents where this comes up.)

And moms are saying it about things that require no apology. At all. Like feeling pain while in labor. Or needing to feed their baby...again.

Things like:

Having contractions Oh, wait just a minute, I'm sorry, I can't answer your question I'm having a contraction....
Being thirsty in labor I'm so sorry, can you get me my drink?
Changing positions No, no, no...I need to move, I'm sorry this position just doesn't feel good!
HAVING A BABY I'm sorry I made such a mess!

And it isn't reserved for the delivery room. When moms get home, the I'm sorrys just keep coming:

Being sore I'm sorry I'm moving so slow.
A messy house (even if it isn't messy) I just haven't had time to pick up. I'm sorry you have to see it like this.
A crying baby I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Being in Bed I'm so sorry you have to be in here and see me like this.

All of the things mentioned above are real situations that have happened, and I would bet all are common for many other doulas as well. Some women prefer to be extremely private, so for them it IS completely odd and horrible that a visitor would be in her home and see this part of life.

But guess what. I'm a doula.

It's not a statement I make often, but in reality I've seen a lot of vaginas and touched a lot of breasts. The world of birth is not a scary or grotesque world for me, and the state of your living room, your baby's temperament, or your manner of dress are not judged.

You don't get points deducted for having unopened mail or a sink full of dishes. In fact, how about I do those dishes real quick for you...No...it's fine...just relax! Tell me how you're feeling. How was last night?

One of the things I talk about with my clients is how to prepare with realistic expectations of the postpartum period. Not just with their own bodies, but with guests and family too.

If it is important to you to have a clean home and a spread ready to go whenever guests may arrive, let's talk about ways I can help you prepare for that so you personally won't have to take over the brunt of that work AND the work of being a new mom.

Sorry Not Sorry

Hashtags can be cheeky, silly, expressive, annoying, or whatever....

But I have fully embraced the #sorrynotsorry hashtag. It was a step in my recovery, if you want to call it that.

Just because I was made aware of my habit of apologizing didn't make it easy to unlearn it. It took practice. Quite a lot actually. Months of it.

But it has been a wonderful change. Freeing. And I can see this as a positive change both for me and my daughter. I want her to see me using an apology at times where it holds meaning and value. I don't want to cheapen the phrase through overuse and inappropriate timing.

I won't pretend that I understand your personal relationship with the phrase, "I'm sorry." But I know in birth and recovery for the 6 weeks after (or more), there is a new normal where the feelings and tasks that used to be easy are no longer easy.

There are no apologies necessary for that change. It is not your fault. It just is.

I'd love to hear from you reader! Do you have a #sorrynotsorry moment you want to share?
What was early recovery and postpartum like for you in your home?
Did you feel guilt and if so, what for?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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How do you know if you should have more kids?

5/11/2015

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Mother's Day just happened, and for the last three years, thoughts of babies come to mind. Being a mother has been the BEST FUCKING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. No apologies.

My husband and I have been having some pretty non-committal conversations about having more kids. We expanded our family on accident, and, I guess you could say, we're both gun-shy to continue its growth.

Three years ago, I could say firmly, "Oh, I'm pretty sure we are just having one, but if we have more, we are going to wait until Harper is like 4. Maybe 5." Well, that wasn't received very well by those I talked with, but I threw all those judgey comments out with my refrigerator left overs. Because, c'mon. Really?! We are still telling other people how many kids to have?

Recently I got to spend sometime with two incredible Moms. Both have 5 children. Five lovely children. Both the pain and joy that come with a full family is extremely appealing to me. I am 1 of 4 kids myself.

And there is this great blog. Girls Gone Child, by Rebecca Woolf. If you spend anytime on her site you will see some of the most magical images of her four children. It's like fairies are real!!!

Sisters, brothers. Siblings. Going through life with a friend. A built in, lifelong friend. Or at least someone who will understand what it's like to have me as a crazy mother!

So, like, hello?! Universe? Can we meet for coffee or something and work this out?

Yeah. Didn't think so.

We, mere mortals, get to be in charge of this huge responsibility, just doing the best we know how.

We'll figure it out. Everyone does. At least those of us who are lucky enough to get to choose...

The image I keep coming back to is the point in life, when Dan and I are gone. When we pass away and Harper is at the point where, for the first time, she will experience life without parents. That's a heavy image for me.

This post isn't going to solve anything or decide anything. It isn't supposed to.

This is just me today, the day after Mother's Day, thinking about what it may mean to not have any more children.

Readers, how did you know you wanted to grow your family? When did you know your family was complete?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Mother's Day Essay Contest - Winning Entry

5/10/2015

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Thank you to all the women who took the time to write in and share their wonderful stories of incredible women in their lives! The winning submission comes today from Jennifer Holman. Her words speak to the countless mothers that come into our lives and make the day to day possible. The intimacy that is shared between women going through life together is the focus of her mother's day essay.

So to all the mothers out there, with children in your arms, or in your hearts; for those you can see, and those that left our world too soon; for those that came from your body, or came to your family through the body of another - Happy Mother's Day. - A Swift Doula

My husband is my soul's partner, my heart, my joy - he completes me in all the grander concepts. But in the long and sometimes lonely daytime hours of raising kids at home - filled with their inevitable ups and downs, a thousand small miracles and just as many daily drudgeries - the companionship of women friends has been, at times, as essential to my life as any other relationship.

I'm not talking about "girlfriends" exactly, those spritely angels who whisk us away from our children and households for the occasional escape. They are essential in their own way.

I'm talking about the women whose lives run alongside ours, parallel in some way or another, wherein we come to gently and happily rely on each other. Sometimes it's just a smile, some moral support from someone who understands how harried life can get. A moment of human connection in between activity drop offs and grocery shopping. Other times this friend is the first person to know when we've had bad news, or when we need someone to watch the kids in an emergency. Sometimes they know more about us than anyone else.

I see people for whom this is a lifelong relationship, like a sister or best friend, though sometimes we meet equally amazing women who are in our lives for just a season. Our kids are in the same school, or we are running the local Girls Scout troop together… Whatever the duration, a camaraderie exists, and an unexplained intimacy forms in which we live our day to day lives loosely in sync.

Touching base with phone calls or texts, taking turns with carpool, and coffee runs. They help us get through a certain stage in our lives that otherwise might have been lonely or difficult. Their companionship makes the road smoother, makes the sometimes bland seem sweeter. Or when all else fails and all you can do is laugh, funnier.

I used to feel sad when such seasons would end. Back when my children finished preschool, I felt as if I was graduating as well - starting somewhere new, not knowing the terrain very well. A bit at a loss.

A fairly close group of us had been raising our children together for a few years, and I knew that I would see these wonderful women less and less.. I think that while we don't all see each other with the same frequency, and didn't remain as close, that bond still exists somewhere, there is still that sisterhood. They shared something with me - over coffees and bleary, tired, half-smiles - that I'll always have. Their personal experiences. Advice that made me realize my own feelings about an issue. Insight into a different culture, or way of life. A laugh when I need one. They were integral to that stage of life and motherhood for me. They've stayed with me in many ways.

And now new friends are added to those older treasures. Traveling friends, online friends, homeschooling friends, others we meet as we make our way, being us, doing what we do. I am always amazed that I think I've met my fair share of kindred spirits along this road, and still more come. It's a veritable tribe of smart, interesting, caring, funny women that I carry along with me in this journey every day.

It has been a dream of mine to host a Mother's Day brunch for all of these amazing moms I know, to acknowledge how they give their whole hearts to mothering every day and still have time for all their acts of kindness and generosity and love for the women around them, and for me. But I could probably never gather so many people around one table. Surely my heart would burst with joy and gratitude before I could intelligently speak, but this is what I hope I would say:

You build me up. I am better because I've known you. Thank you.

Authored by Jennifer Holman.
Some spacing and emphasis by A Swift Doula

Author of this year's winning essay contest, Jennifer Holman!

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Mother's Day Essay Writing Contest

3/12/2015

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I am so excited to announce the 1st annual Mother's Day Essay Writing Contest!

I know we have amazing mother's in our lives, and I want to know about them! Take some time to write no more than 750 words about the mom, friend, wife, or neighbor that you think deserves a bit of recognition. Or you can write in yourself about why you LOVE being a mother! The selected winner will receive a $50 gift card to Yolk for brunch in Chicago, as well as be featured here on A Swift Doula's Blog!

Submissions are due on or before April 30th. Please submit essay via email to ASwiftDoula@gmail.com with the subject line of Mother's Day Essay Contest. Winners will be announced on Mother's Day!

Submissions can be made by people of all ages, however paper submissions are not accepted at this time - if you know of a little person that would like to write in, let them! Just please help them type it and send it.

I appreciate your participation in this and thank you in advance for the great stories you are going to send. If you have a photo you would like to attach with the essay, that is also a bonus, but not required. If a photo is sent, It will be used with the winning essay's blog post.

Best to you all and happy early Mother's Day!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Make It Happen - International Women's Day 2015

3/8/2015

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Today is International Women's Day. The theme this year is Make It Happen.

Make it Happen:

For greater awareness of women's equality
For more women in senior leadership roles
For equal recognition of women in the arts
For growth of women owned businesses
For increased financial independence of women
For more women in science, engineering, and technology
For fairer recognition in women in sport

When I found out I was pregnant with a daughter, simultaneously I thought publicly "Awesome!" and privately with Dan "Oh shit."

Because, having the knowledge that I was going to be responsible for caring and PROTECTING my girl child seemed liked the biggest undertaking ever. And it is. Being the protector of another human is serious work.

I worry about scraped knees and broken hearts. But really those aren't my big fears - because those teach and can be learned from. What keeps me up is the senseless violence and unmistakable cruelty that exists.

As I dove deeper and deeper down this rabbit hole today, trying and trying to rescue myself from the imagined ways in which my child can be hurt and maimed - both visibly and invisibly - I found myself visiting the blog I started when I found out I was pregnant. It's called Alaska Jane, Pint Sized.

I reread the entire blog.

My thoughts as a woman learning about pregnancy and motherhood right in front of me. Not knowing that I would become a woman who would help other women walk those same steps.

It was surreal.

Watching the video of my daughter starting to understand language as she helped me load the dryer and then when she twirled. And missing our friends terribly as I relived our great Halloween adventures dressing up as Frida, and her friend as Mork.

I'm have learned and am re-learning that my actions will leave their mark. Every step, however small, in the direction I wish to go is still progress. My silly little blog tracking my pregnancy and life as a new mom is proof - I cherish those posts. And I made that priceless record, one post at a time.

And as a mom, I parent one day at a time.

And as a business owner, I grow one client at a time.

And as someone impacting the world, well...I will do that too, one bit at a time.

International Woman's day is almost over. But this day is another in a long history of the event. And since it's inception many incredible things have changed that benefit women, and therefore all of human kind.

I have no idea how to make all the goals listed above come to reality other than how we, as women and supporters of women, have been doing it all along - one step at a time.

I wasn't going to finish this post today. I had written it off (ha!) as a small idea that didn't work out. My husband and I tucked in to finish the latest season of House of Cards, (which has it's own interesting ties to the goals of the day, but no spoilers here...), then I scrolled through my blog roll, and just before turning this damned computer off I found this:

Let the bucket of memory down into the well,
bright it up. Cool, cool minutes. No one
stirring, no plans. Just being there.

This is what the whole thing is about.

– William Stafford, from Just Thinking

And looking back on today, with my side steps and rabbit trails down through my memories, photos, and videos, this is what happened. I dipped my bucket into my memory well. The cool minutes washed over me. Hours went by. I was right there again, watching my daughter take some of her first steps.

And I realized again the words of Brene Brown, that the courage comes from being there. Doing the scary thing. Showing up. Being vulnerable. And I don't know anything that has made me feel more vulnerable, more alive, or more woman, that being a mother.

Nothing.

And because I am a mother, (step, step, step,) I am now a business owner. And wouldn't you know it, that is one of the goals of this year's International Woman's Day.

Each small step in the direction of your goal is not a misstep.

Authored by A Swift Doula.

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Your boobs are amazing

2/27/2015

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I love the moment when mom looks down at her new baby and then looks up at me with huge eyes. "She's doing it! She's latched!

Breasfeeding is a wild ride. The first days when baby licks, sucks, and is nourished by mom's magic yellow gold - colostrum in small, perfect portions. Going home on day two or three of your baby's life, and feeling the first signs that your breasts have started to produce more mature milk. Your body is feeding your baby!

Did you know your boobs are amazing?

As your doula, you can call me anytime in pregnancy and after. I am happy to support you through the transition from pregnancy to parenthood. But what does that mean?

It means, I get a text at 6:30am saying, "Is there something I should be doing different?! He fed fine in the hospital but last night was horrible!"

You don't have to say the words, "I need help breastfeeding!"

I come over, I give you a hug, look you in the eye, and we go over basics and get a fresh set of eyes (and an extra set of hands) to help assess whats going on.

And most times, with some pillows in the right spots, a quick refresher and some encouraging words, we get baby to breast.

It means, when baby seems to be fussy all the time, even after just eating, you can call me and share all your fears.

"What if I'm not making enough milk?!"

I meet you right where you're at. We talk about what's happening and how you are feeling. We talk about what you can do to put your mind at ease, and when you should call your pediatrician. Sometimes, it means I help you find a way to keep track of feedings and dirty diapers so you can really see how incredible this process is.

See! Look! Your breasts are feeding your baby! That is amazing!

As moms, we can read books and we can watch videos but we have to learn how to breastfeed. It is a process that you go through at the same time your baby is learning! Each feeding will get a little easier. Each time you are with your baby, you will know a bit more about each other. You will learn cues, signs, and an incredible bond is there already.

And look at that! Your boobs are amazing! Your body is feeding your baby!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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I have a Husband, He will Be my Doula...right?

1/26/2015

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I'm sorry to say, but No. (This is the short answer.) Your husband will not be your doula.

Going into your delivery, your role is very clear - you get to give birth to your baby. The role of your husband and the role of your doula are also very important, but different. Let me explain...

*Your Husband/Partner In Labor
Your husband/partner is the person that is emotionally invested in you and your child. This person will know your fears and history throughout your journey to this point, and they will have all of your feelings, cares, and expectations at the forefront of their minds.

This person will be someone you will be comfortable being around, and will provide calm and resolve the way only an intimate partner can. This is the person you have decided to do this with, this parenting thing - this is your together-in-this-beautiful-crazy-adventure person.

Your husband/partner will be able to connect with you on an emotional level that no other person can, as you created this baby together, and (for many) are entering into parenthood side-by-side, heart-to-heart, with great joy and great excitement.

*The Doula in Labor
The doula is present in your pregnancy to educate, and then support, the decisions you decide are best for you and your baby. Resources are provided, and referrals can be made with the healthy relationships she has cultivated in the community.

Once at the birth, the doula is there to provide assurance and support. The education that was provided prenatally will be ever ready should you or your partner have questions. The doula will be trained to push on exactly the right spot when you need it, and will be able to suggest ways to help ease pain.

But what is hard to convey until in the moment is when you are feeling contractions, and your doula is right there, eye to eye, showing you that YOU are normal, and what you are feeling is normal. In those moments, a doula's worth is more than information, but in connection to where you are.

There is great power in birth: physically, emotionally, and mentally. As your doula, it is a heady time when your needs and my intuition sync in such a way that I can't help but feel connected to you as each contraction moves through the room, just like the contractions moved through countless women before you. Your partner is there giving you comfort, I am there giving you a calm presence and a mirror to see your own strength with.

When you have that lovely combination of medical care from a provider you trust, emotional support from your partner, and physical support from your doula, you will be supported by an incredible birth team!

Did you have a doula at your birth? What were your partner's reflections on having a doula after the fact? I'd love to know!

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Now You Get to Be The Guide

1/21/2015

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We receive all sorts of guidance in life. Tour guides, guidance counselors, instructors...

A guide is (so says Mr. Webster)

a person who leads or directs other people on a journey
a person who shows and explains the interesting things in a place
a person who helps to direct another person's behavior, life, career, etc.

Now compared to the definition of a parent:

a person who is a father or mother : a person who has a child
an animal or plant that produces a young animal or plant
something out of which another thing has developed

Do you see how you are the first, and possibly, the greatest guide for your young child in this life?

There is a great post on Just Wanderlust about characteristics of a great tour guide. If you have been reading my blog, you may remember I have a fond appreciation for tours. I believe all of the points can be related to parenting but some favorites are:

From the section on time management -

"A great tour guide is aware of the start and end time but is flexible with the time and will tailor the day based on your interests and your time constraints. Great tour guides never rush you as they are on your schedule."

Children don't know about clocks or time. They don't know what being patient means. They don't know that you have a tight schedule, or even what a schedule is. As parents, keeping kids going in the direction we need them to and at a pace we need them to is difficult. But sometimes it is possible to literally, stop and smell the roses. And look at the color. And talk about thorns and bugs, and dirt, and rain, and oh look! That flower is pretty too! ...and you are now enjoying the whole garden.

Another great section is on color commentary -

"A great tour guide is a gifted story teller who is passionate about the attraction he’s showing you. His historical accounts will take you back in time. He’ll weave in personal anecdotes about what it’s like to live there including the good, the bad, and the ugly… and you’ll even laugh. He’ll not only tell you about the culture, he’ll incorporate some cultural experiences into the tour (e.g., stopping for mint tea in Morocco or sampling putrefied shark in Iceland). He’ll talk to you like you are long-time friend in town for a visit."

Kids love stories. In fact, research shows that children who are read to are more likely to remain life long learners, not because of vocabulary or content of the story, but because an emotional bond was established with a parent at an early age when being read to.

But stories don't just come from books. They can come from our minds and our lives. Tell your child a story. Any kind will do. They will benefit regardless of the topic.

And the last bit I'll share from this great post, is about the initial introduction to a group.

"The best guides spend the tour getting to know the guests on the tour that day and not in an intrusive way but in a way that shows genuine interest. It could be during the car ride, over lunch/drinks, or as you walk from site to site."

Your child is someone you are getting to know. They will change, like new things, learn new things, and change. As parents, it is important to know who your child is right now. What does you child like right now, not yesterday. This comes from asking questions, and then listening to what they say. No, not just listening, but really hearing them.

With babies, it can be difficult, as language is not a skill they are able to master until later. But they speak through smiles, they speak through curiosity, they speak through (yes, this too) showing displeasure. So, are you hearing your child?

One of my favorite times in my day is the drive to daycare in the morning, and the drive home when daycare is done. It is a short few moments, where my daughter is sharing exciting things that are in her head. Every morning, we have our rituals: we round a bend and see the Chicago Skyline and shout, "Good morning Chicago!" and off we go, talking about the color of Lake Michigan that day, if the birds are napping in the harbor or if the fishermen have caught anything. We talk about what she would like to do when I pick her up, and we sing silly songs.

She and I don't have a meeting at the table with pencil and paper to discuss these things, but they happen, in real time. I know that these little snippets will make harder conversations later in life come a bit easier. And then, I will be a guide in a different way - talking and listening about bullies in school, talking and listening about persistence, and talking and listening about about her goals.

The crazy thing about this whole guide/guided journey, is she is my guide also. It is not just give give give. And it isn't just take take take. We get to help each other, guide each other through this parent/child relationship. For her and I, it started even before she was born- her telling me through position and discomfort how to move my body so she could best travel into the world. It won't end until, hopefully, a very long time has passed.

I am so excited for this adventure!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Legacy

1/20/2015

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Some people have children because they need to see themselves in the next generation. They need to know that part of them will live on after their own short life is over. They need a family legacy to share in the history of those who have worked so hard before them. They need someone to remember. They need to add something to this life.

Recently we suffered a great loss in our family. My husband's father passed away on December 31st and this last weekend we laid his ashes to rest. I really can't stop myself from thinking about how birth and death are such incredible things.

Being a birth doula, I am surrounded by unlimited potential. So many wonderful humans are being born everyday and they are already remarkable. And as soon as those bundles of joy are here, parents are born too, and they have choices to make and (POOF!) just like that, the pressure is on to be good, and right, and correct. (Although, as a parent, I have found there is great power and importance in allowing space for "wrong.")

And this is where we get down to the point: our legacy is something we have power over. How we are remembered is something we can influence through our actions, goals, and conversations. What we leave isn't just stuff, but feelings, ideas, memories.

As a parent, what do I want my child to remember about me and her time with me? As a doula, how am I adding value to my profession and my community? Why am I here?

These thoughts are helping me see through some of this groggy fog of grief. Hearing the wonderful stories about my father-in-law are refreshing and uplifting. The small part of life I witnessed was only a slice of his - he had 67 years of relationships that left their mark.

Just yesterday, the information that is in the image above was shared on social media. It struck such a chord with me that I had to stop and evaluate how I was conducting myself. I agree with the statement above and I needed to check myself against what it is encouraging.

I felt stronger/better in her presence. Yes. I want women to feel stronger in my presence. I want to lift up and not tear down.

She always did what she said. I want to be a mom of my word. I want to be a doula of my word. I want to be a business owner of my word. I want my statements to be meaningful.

She increased acceptance and compassion in others. Yes, I want to increase acceptance and compassion. I want to help bridge sides. I want to help grow understanding and tolerance.

She instilled strength in our daughters. YES. I want to instill strength in my daughter, and your daughter. I want the daughters of this world to be brave and fearless. I believe my last post speaks directly to this.

She educated the masses. I am not a trained teacher, but I will share my knowledge with any that will listen (or read, dear Reader). Knowledge is what started me on the path to this profession, and helping other mothers have knowledge to make decisions that are best for their families will be a steady driving force in my work. Women with information are unstoppable.

She encouraged open-mindedness. There is a saying, that the world is a book, and if you don't travel, you are only reading the first page. I want to encourage women to read past the first page of their autobiography. I want women to dive into themselves, their feelings, their histories and their prejudices. Ask questions - of yourself, of your care provider, of your surroundings, of your understanding of normal. I want to help open doors to the millions of possible answers.

She left her family a financial success. Yes. I don't think there is anyone that doesn't want this. But I want it so badly and share why it is so important to my daughter. I want to share with her that relationships should be shared because you want to share them, you want to be in them, not because you have to be in them. And I know this looks different for every family, but I know what this looks like for me.

Although these traits are labeled The Legacy of a Doula, they ring true outside of business. And perhaps that is a greater legacy: genuine, knowledgeable, available, and steadfast.

As Heidi Shulista from Kansas City Doulas asks, "For what will you be remembered? For whom are you living?"

So do you know, for what will YOU be remembered? For whom are YOU living?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Forced Affection: Why I won't Make My Child Hug You

1/12/2015

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There are a lot of people that keep tabs on my daughter. She is loved by her family of aunts, uncles and grandparents, naturally. But she also has an army of affection from the extended friends, and friends of friends that are a part of our world.

My husband is a part of a close group of people, some of which have know each other since nursery school. My mother in law is a force of connected energy and was into social networking before the internet existed. Plus, my daughter is awesome, so there's that. (That's her in the photo above.)

And as much as I love these people and they love us, sometimes there are hurt feelings because my daughter does not always participate in the cultural exchange of hugging goodbye. And I won't make her.

I didn't always feel this way, but here I am, un-apologetically saying goodbye to friends in my own way, and letting my daughter say goodbye in hers, hug, handshake, wave, or blank stare.

See, she is watching. She doesn't understand everything, (obviously, as a 3 year old) and I want her to watch. I want her to engage in the behavior that feels comfortable, and I want her interactions to be genuine.

Most importantly, I want her to feel like she is the master of her body and what happens with it and to it.

And this goes for me to, as her mom, of a sometimes-raging toddler. When we are in the middle of a tickle attack, and she says stop, I stop, even if it is totally obvious that she wants to keep playing the game. I want the word "stop" to mean something. I want her to know I respect her space and her body. I want her to have control.

Granted, she is learning. When she is thrashing on the floor because life is freaking hard, sometimes I need to pick her up and put her somewhere safe before she keeps on thrashing.

But thrash on girl. Get it out.

Sometimes, she has so many feelings that she doesn't know what to do, and I ask if I can scoop her up and hug her. I don't always hear her say yes, but I scoop her up and hug her until her tiny body isn't taken hostage by All The Things, what ever they are. And she takes a big sigh, she puts her head on my shoulder, or she looks at me with huge tears on her cheeks, and she can tell me what she is feeling.

If I teach my daughter that she has to hug people even if she doesn't want to, what am I really saying? Am I telling her that other people's desires are greater than her own? Am I telling her that her embrace is something that adults get to direct, rule over, and dictate?

What I can show is that when we are spending time with people we love, hugging is a way to share our joy of being with that person. I can show that being close to other people isn't scary, and that touch has meaning.

Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.

If I can get this message across to her through examples of love, then it also reasons that she will understand why hitting is hurtful, that people's feelings are connected to how they are treated, and that feelings are valid.

*Disclaimer: I'm making this up as I go along.* I've not read any books that tell me this is how one should parent. All this comes from watching my daughter interact with loads of (what I know to be) wonderful people, and my daughter trying to interpret the situations.

Self esteem. It starts early. So just as I say with my daughter, "I am smart, I am brave, I can do anything!" I also tell her that she is the boss of her body. That she gets to take herself where she wants in life, and she gets to take care of it for the rest of her life.

Does this resonate with you?

Authored by A Swift Doula.

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