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U-Shaped Parenting

8/28/2015

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"Let's talk about it."

It's not flashy, but it may be the most creative thing that I have ever shared with my daughter.  And I say this because, of something I just heard yesterday.

I was listening to an interview with Todd Henry, author of the The Accidental Creative and most recently Louder Than Words where he talked about the "U shape journey" of the creative process.  He described what was involved in the work of being a creative; the layers, experience, learning, time, challenges, and struggle that made success look easy...from the outside.  And he affirmed that you can't get there without all of that stuff.  That to make lasting, long term progress, sometimes we have to be inefficient in the short term to be effective in the long run. 

I can't think of a better description of parenthood that I've heard in the last half of year. 

Let me share a little bit more about this U shaped journey: he likens it to taking a hike down, through, and up a canyon.  When we start our journeys, be it a project or parenthood, we can see across the gap to the other side.  We can see the end result.  We can see our baby breastfeeding well, that our baby sleeps through the night.  We can see our toddler using a toilet and not using a diaper.  We can see them reading books, or riding a bike, or learning to swim, or ANY of the millions of things our children will learn in this life. 

In our minds we see the end.  So we start.  We get excited!

In essence we hike down the path. 

We decide that we will try a sleep sack.  Or a white noise machine.  We start the process of introducing a potty and teaching cues to go pee.  We spend time reading books to our children, we introduce letter sounds and names, and then sight words.  We use scooters, then training wheels.  We start at the beach on the sand, with toes and legs in the water. 

Then we get to the bottom of the "U" and something happens. 

We are surrounded by weeds. The path isn't as clear.  We look up and can't see the end.  It starts to get dark and we realize the trip is longer than we planned and we will have to camp out in the bottom of the canyon for a night. 

When we are in the bottom of those canyons,  when we have tried to keep our focus but the path gets blurry, it starts to feel like failure.  It starts to feel completely hopeless.  It starts to feel like a mistake. 

We question our direction.  We question our decisions.  We question what got us excited in the first place. 


But the next day, the sun comes up, and we have more light, we keep going on our path, and we we start to climb.  We climb up the other side of the canyon - each step hard, but showing incredible progress.  And before we realize, we are at the top, on the other side. 

We are there, with our baby who can breastfeed seamlessly.  We are there with our baby who is sleeping through the night.  With our toddler who is potty trained, or our young child who can read herself a story or ride a bike, or swim for hours. 

Through the canyons I have already hiked with  my daughter and the many that are come come, I know I will continue to use a phrase that invites cooperation - "Let's talk about it." 

I would talk with my girl friends when my baby was causing me worry.   I would talk with my husband when it felt like I was losing my mind.  And I would talk with my daughter.  Even when she had no clue what I was saying. 

Just recently, when she was not interested in picking up her room, she even said it back to me. "Let's talk about it, mom."  And I was so happy that she used those words instead of fussing, and that she engaged in (if I'm being honest) a negotiation of sorts. 

Everyone goes through these canyons.  But from the outside we rarely see each journey.  We rarely see them at the bottom of their "U." 

And what I'm learning, and what Todd Henry affirms, is that the process is important. 

For some families, deciding to have a baby is the starting point of their canyon.  Prenatal education, IVF, IUI, surrogacy, or adoption are all huge undertakings.

Some families are able and happy to be pregnant, but are lost when it comes to birth and labor. 

Some families are solid for labor, but have zero help or plan for postpartum. 

When we are in the weeds and need help getting back on track, to get caught up, or to start the process with some help, you need to be able to know who can help. 

Know that you don't have to to this alone.  Contact me for early support for pre-pregnancy or labor support or postpartum support and you can have all the help you need along any part of your U-shaped journey.   

Authored by Ariel Swift, A Swift Doula





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Scapegoat Doula

8/14/2015

9 Comments

 
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It is not often, but there are times when I am the Scapegoat Doula.  

It is not a comfortable spot to be, but it is recognized by birth workers that sometimes families need a release of tension and anger.  Sometime it comes out as blame.  And sometimes that blame is laid upon the doula.  

Birth is unpredictable.  A "perfect" pregnancy can turn into a high risk delivery extremely fast.  A well-progressing labor can turn into an emergency cesarean delivery.  Families are left with little opportunity to choose any option other than to follow their care provider's lead.

People know that they are not medical experts and they should take their care providers advice.  But doing so doesn't mean feelings of disappointment, confusion, and helplessness are easy to manage or understand.  

Families may be left asking: 

Why did this happen? 
Why couldn't I stop it?
What went wrong? 

And under it all, "WHY DIDN'T I GET TO CHOOSE?!"  

The loss of participation is extremely unnerving.  The handing over of one's body to be surgically cared for is not the image of child birth that makes many women get warm fuzzy feelings.   The sudden care by professionals is one of the many reasons women are happy to have birth in hospitals, but the hope is that those services will never be used.  

In instances an immediate medical response is necessary, families search for answers.  They look for reasons why.  They want a cause for the effect.  

And sadly, it is not such an easy thing to find for some.   

With as much as we know about birth and bodies, there is still no way to know what path a woman's labor will take.  

"I knew that it was time for the babies to come.  I went in for the cesarean, but then, they couldn't get the spinal placed right. I heard them talking normally, sometimes directly to me, but then they got quite and were whispering to each other.  I couldn't see anything.  Then the baby was born but they said he had to go straight to the NICU.  Then I was horrible nauseous, and I said I didn't feel right.  I wake up and was in a different room, and it seemed like four people had their hands inside my body.  Then I was told I might need an emergency hysterectomy.  They got it under control, but I needed blood transfusions and no one could tell me what was going on."

Hiring a labor doula does not guarantee an outcome.  Having a doula scheduled for postpartum care does not guarantee any result.  BUT, hiring a doula for your labor or recovery means you won't be alone.  And by sheer proximity, sometimes the doula is the emotional dump for the mother, partner, or the whole family.  

And that is ok.  

I can be that person for you.  

You can unload anything on to me.  

I am your doula.  

If your mother needs to send me angry text messages; I can read them, call her back, and talk her through what is going on.  

If your partner is freaking out and wants someone to blame; I can be blamed, I can be yelled at, I can take it.  

If you are angry and are confronted with feelings you don't know what to do with, you can yell and scream, and cry, and be angry with me if you need to.  

I can take it.  I am your doula.  

Doulas are present and helpful for birth and postpartum, and sometimes those events aren't completely happy and joyous.  It isn't talked about.  But it is real.  

Doulas are there for you thorough any situation.  Your goals become our goals for labor and recovery, and when goals aren't met, we know that those feeling are in direct disagreement with your vision of success.  

But even when your original version of a successful situation is shattered, your doula will be there to help you pick up the pieces, and be with you, still without judgement, because when there is no known reason why unfortunate events happen, you should hear that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It is not your fault.  

You are not broken. 

It is not your fault.  

So know that a doula is not just for unmedicated birth.  Know that a doula is not just for position changes and encouragement through labor.  Know that a doula is there to help with the hard feelings just as much as the joyful feelings.  

I can help carry the load you bear.  I hope you won't need to use this part of my care, but please know that you can.  

Authored by A Swift Doula
9 Comments

Habitual Apology

6/8/2015

6 Comments

 
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Ever get smacked in the face with a lesson?  One of those awakenings that is both blunt and truthful.  One which, after you notice it, you can't help but be smacked over and over with the day-to-day situations where you never noticed before?

For me it's apologizing.  Or was.

I was at a party last fall where I was called out by a friend (in a nice way) who made me realize I am/was a habitual apologizer.  I would say "I'm sorry" in situations that were just plain unnecessary.

We have a language where hundreds and hundreds of other words could be used, and I was editing down to an apology.  I know I'm not the only one here that can identify with this.

Mostly I know because I work with people who do it all the time.  New moms.  (I would say parents, but I don't really have moments with male parents where this comes up.)

And moms are saying it about things that require no apology.  At all.  Like feeling pain while in labor.  Or needing to feed their baby...again. 

Things like:
  • Having contractions Oh, wait just a minute, I'm sorry, I can't answer your question I'm having a contraction....
  • Being thirsty in labor I'm so sorry, can you get me my drink?
  • Changing positions No, no, no...I need to move, I'm sorry this position just doesn't feel good!
  • HAVING A BABY I'm sorry I made such a mess!

And it isn't reserved for the delivery room.  When moms get home, the I'm sorrys just keep coming:

  • Being sore I'm sorry I'm moving so slow.
  • A messy house (even if it isn't messy) I just haven't had time to pick up.  I'm sorry you have to see it like this.
  • A crying baby  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry! 
  • Being in Bed  I'm so sorry you have to be in here and see me like this. 

All of the things mentioned above are real situations that have happened, and I would bet all are common for many other doulas as well.  Some women prefer to be extremely private, so for them it IS completely odd and horrible that a visitor would be in her home and see this part of life. 

But guess what.  I'm a doula. 

It's not a statement I make often, but in reality I've seen a lot of vaginas and touched a lot of breasts.  The world of birth is not a scary or grotesque world for me, and the state of your living room, your baby's temperament, or your manner of dress are not judged.

You don't get points deducted for having unopened mail or a sink full of dishes.  In fact, how about I do those dishes real quick for you...No...it's fine...just relax!  Tell me how you're feeling.  How was last night? 

One of the things I talk about with my clients is how to prepare with realistic expectations of the postpartum period.  Not just with their own bodies, but with guests and family too. 

If it is important to you to have a clean home and a spread ready to go whenever guests may arrive, let's talk about ways I can help you prepare for that so you personally won't have to take over the brunt of that work AND the work of being a new mom. 

Sorry Not Sorry

Hashtags can be cheeky, silly, expressive, annoying, or whatever....

But I have fully embraced the #sorrynotsorry hashtag.   It was a step in my recovery, if you want to call it that.  

Just because I was made aware of my habit of apologizing didn't make it easy to unlearn it.  It took practice.  Quite a lot actually.  Months of it. 

But it has been a wonderful change.  Freeing. And I can see this as a positive change both for me and my daughter.  I want her to see me using an apology at times where it holds meaning and value.  I don't want to cheapen the phrase through overuse and inappropriate timing. 

I won't pretend that I understand your personal relationship with the phrase, "I'm sorry."  But I know in birth and recovery for the 6 weeks after (or more), there is a new normal where the feelings and tasks that used to be easy are no longer easy. 

There are no apologies necessary for that change.  It is not your fault.  It just is.

I'd love to hear from you reader!  Do you have a #sorrynotsorry moment you want to share? 
What was early recovery and postpartum like for you in your home? 
Did you feel guilt and if so, what for?


Authored by A Swift Doula









6 Comments

Stitches

5/22/2015

1 Comment

 
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I bet you can sew.  I bet you. 

Because guess what, all sewing is is putting two pieces of cloth together with a bit of string. 

I’ve been sewing since I was a tiny girl.  My mom helped me cut out squares and I would slowly stitch together a Barbie sleeping bag. 

And I was so proud of my Barbie sleeping bag. 

Then I put some more squares together, and I made a teddy bear blanket. 

Then I put some more squares together and I made a blanket for myself!

I learned how to make something beautiful that would nurture people by slowly stitching together small pieces of material, with a little bit of string. 

When I think about sewing now, it becomes more involved, I get stressed if I didn’t measure correctly, I worry about how much time I’m able to devote to the process, and, oh God, what if my toddler finds all the pins and scissors?!

So I don’t sew very often. 

What I enjoy about sewing now, is something a bit silly. 

I love the fabric. 

Have you ever found yourself chatting with a shop owner in your favorite part of town on a sunny day and fall in love with something? 

Did you ever get happy just walking into a place because the woman behind the counter lights up when she sees you come through the door?

I have.  I hope everyone gets the chance to feel that.

Right now, I’m just a mom, trying to remember who I was when I had time to sew.  

Even through I don’t have the time to devote to all of the sewing projects that used to fill my (now non-existent) Etsy shop, I do have time to visit my local fabric store, see the patterns, new designs, and colors of the beautiful fabrics, and bring a bit of that happiness home with me. 

I love my scraps of fabric.  I love knowing I have the ability and the power to make incredibly beautiful pieces of art with my hands and imagination. 

And I love knowing that even if I am away from my local shop owner for a while, she will still light up when I walk in the door, because she understands this kind of beauty. 

She understands that the fabric of life is everyday moments and the thread is warm smiles, a touch of comfort, and an exchange of feeling. 

Real feeling. 

So I feel my fabric between my fingers, and I feel the fabric of my life, and I make stitches.

One after another after another. 

Authored by A Swift Doula
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Mother's Day Essay Contest - Winning Entry

5/10/2015

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Thank you to all the women who took the time to write in and share their wonderful stories of incredible women in their lives!  The winning submission comes today from Jennifer Holman.  Her words speak to the countless mothers that come into our lives and make the day to day possible.  The intimacy that is shared between women going through life together is the focus of her mother's day essay. 

So to all the mothers out there, with children in your arms, or in your hearts; for those you can see, and those that left our world too soon; for those that came from your body, or came to your family through the body of another - Happy Mother's Day. - A Swift Doula

My husband is my soul's partner, my heart, my joy - he completes me in all the grander concepts. But in the long and sometimes lonely daytime hours of raising kids at home - filled with their inevitable ups and downs, a thousand small miracles and just as many daily drudgeries - the companionship of women friends has been, at times, as essential to my life as any other relationship. 

I'm not talking about "girlfriends" exactly, those spritely angels who whisk us away from our children and households for the occasional escape. They are essential in their own way.

I'm talking about the women whose lives run alongside ours, parallel in some way or another, wherein we come to gently and happily rely on each other. Sometimes it's just a smile, some moral support from someone who understands how harried life can get. A moment of human connection in between activity drop offs and grocery shopping. Other times this friend is the first person to know when we've had bad news, or when we need someone to watch the kids in an emergency. Sometimes they know more about us than anyone else. 

I see people for whom this is a lifelong relationship, like a sister or best friend, though sometimes we meet equally amazing women who are in our lives for just a season. Our kids are in the same school, or we are running the local Girls Scout troop together… Whatever the duration, a camaraderie exists, and an unexplained intimacy forms in which we live our day to day lives loosely in sync.

Touching base with phone calls or texts, taking turns with carpool, and coffee runs. They help us get through a certain stage in our lives that otherwise might have been lonely or difficult. Their companionship makes the road smoother, makes the sometimes bland seem sweeter. Or when all else fails and all you can do is laugh, funnier. 

I used to feel sad when such seasons would end. Back when my children finished preschool, I felt as if I was graduating as well - starting somewhere new, not knowing the terrain very well. A bit at a loss.

A fairly close group of us had been raising our children together for a few years, and I knew that I would see these wonderful women less and less.. I think that while we don't all see each other with the same frequency, and didn't remain as close, that bond still exists somewhere, there is still that sisterhood. They shared something with me - over coffees and bleary, tired, half-smiles - that I'll always have. Their personal experiences. Advice that made me realize my own feelings about an issue. Insight into a different culture, or way of life. A laugh when I need one. They were integral to that stage of life and motherhood for me. They've stayed with me in many ways.

And now new friends are added to those older treasures. Traveling friends, online friends, homeschooling friends, others we meet as we make our way, being us, doing what we do. I am always amazed that I think I've met my fair share of kindred spirits along this road, and still more come. It's a veritable tribe of smart, interesting, caring, funny women that I carry along with me in this journey every day.
It has been a dream of mine to host a Mother's Day brunch for all of these amazing moms I know, to acknowledge how they give their whole hearts to mothering every day and still have time for all their acts of kindness and generosity and love for the women around them, and for me. But I could probably never gather so many people around one table. Surely my heart would burst with joy and gratitude before I could intelligently speak, but this is what I hope I would say: 

You build me up. I am better because I've known you. Thank you.

Authored by Jennifer Holman. 
Some spacing and emphasis by A Swift Doula
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Author of this year's winning essay contest, Jennifer Holman!

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Flipping Eggs: Fear and Doubt

4/24/2015

2 Comments

 
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The other I got an itch to try doing that seemingly simple act of tossing food in a pan without a spatula. 
(This dude makes it look like a piece of cake. )

I try it.  I make a mess.  I psych myself out.  I get nervous.  My heart starts racing,  I am both stressed and a little edgy. 

But since that first attempt, I've been committed.  I am eating more eggs so I can practice. 

I have now successfully flipped an egg.  Twice. 

I've realized that there is a moment every time I flip where I have to turn off my doubt and fear, and go all in.  I have to put in the extra umph, and then trust that I've given it enough. 

I have to believe I am going to actually flip that silly egg.  The times I question my ability, (the hold of the pan in my hand, the amount of butter in the bottom, or if the egg is ready to flip,) inevitably, I mess it up. 

Fear and doubt.  They are there.  In many parts of our life, and especially in birth and parenthood.  But there too we have to walk up to that big scary thing (eggs, or labor) nod hello, then just keep going.  Do it. 

Our bodies are amazing, in that if a fear is real (a bear chasing you) or perceived (being startled as a joke), we respond the same way with a flood of adrenaline.  Our bodies is prepped to save our life, but is that necessary for flipping an egg?!  Seems a little over dramatic.  C'mon!  So...

Feel the fear.  Then do it anyway. 

Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Breakfast or something so much, much bigger. 

When have you felt that buzz of fear?  How did you react?  What helped you through it?

Authored by A Swift Doula
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DIY Parenting

4/10/2015

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DIY is great!  There is so much excitement.  So much anticipation!  You have the dream vision, plans, and you put in the work.  And then maybe more work...

I love DIY (check out a few past projects).  I love figuring stuff out.  I love demolition.  I love the way my body feels after a great day of hard work. 

My husband and I are beginning the search for a home, and we are talking about a fixer-upper, but …
 Do we have the time? 
Do we have the patience? 
Do we love each other enough to make it through the process?

In the very limited time I’ve been a parent, I have come to the conclusion that raising a child is the ultimate DIY project.  It is, in fact, one of the biggest DIYs one can take on. 

So get your gear, and load up your tool box.  Let’s dive in:

1. Designs can change 

You see it on shows all the time.  They were going to take out this wall, or leave that element in place, but then there is a load bearing beam, or mold behind the bead board.  Ah!  Designs change. 

If you are planning a huge family gathering after you come home from the hospital, but you realize only after you’ve sent out the invites that…
…wow, you just had a baby! 
You need to heal! 
You can’t take your infant grocery shopping!  You can't even put pants on yet. 

Change the plan.  Cancel the party, or have it catered – but you don’t have to be the host with the most.  It is okay. 

2. Measure twice, cut once

Whether it’s a board or a piece of drywall, materials cost money, so before you decide to make a piece of anything smaller, measure your space twice so you know your cut is perfect. 

With babies, you never know when they are going to have a diaper blow out, or a puke explosion. 

Take stock of your supplies. 

Do you have enough diapers?  Wipes? 
Do you have a burp rag? 
Do you need to throw in a snack for you or dad if someone starts to get grumpy? 

Check it out so you won’t be marooned with poop up your baby’s back, or puke down yours. 

3. Clean as you go

Demolition may be fun – the smashing, crashing, and physical nature of tearing something out.  But then you have to clean it all up before you can move on to the next project. 

Just like you have to get the rubble to the dumpster, when your baby starts to grow...
it may be helpful to clean out their things as you go. 

Do you have a plan for what to do when clothes get too small? 
Are you keeping them in storage?  Donating them?  Passing them to a friend? 

Think out where these items will go, because your baby is going to grow faster than you think! 

4.  Ask for help when you’re over your head

As brilliant YouTube is, some things require extra physical help.  Are you trying to hang a ceiling fan?  You might need a second set of hands. 

Same with parenting. 

Some days you just need more help. 
Call your friends or make a new one.  Family is a great resource too.  Don’t fell like you have to do it all yourself!  It is DIY, but perhaps it should be DIYS – Do It Yourself, Sometimes.

5.  Sometimes you need the help of the professionals

Perhaps your friends just aren't enough.  You are just in over your head.  Thinking you could re-wire your whole house was a bit much for a first timer. Call the electrician. 
Perhaps you really would benefit from a landscape architect coming to help you with a long term plan.  Perhaps you need a contractor. 

Same for parenting.  Sometimes calling a professional isn’t giving up, but instead just getting over a few speed bumps. 
For parents, many would benefit from hiring a postpartum doula. 

A person that can help design a plan, or get you over a rough spot.  I am happy to provide this service to parents looking for just a few hours, or a few days of care.  Looking for long term?  I can help there too.

Need some rest?  I can come for over nights. 
Need help for those hours when it seems your child has been bewitched? 
Do you have logistical questions about equipment, organizing a nursery, or breastfeeding with work? 
Let me help you. 

Adding professional care to your DIY plan isn’t you throwing in the towel – I promise.  You will be an incredible parent, and sometimes that means knowing when to call in the reinforcements. 

Authored by A Swift Doula.  
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Write Your Birth Plan.  Then Throw it Out.

3/10/2015

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I love and hate birth plans.  Or birth wishes.  Or whatever you call them. 

I love a birth plan because it gets parents involved in their birth.  It is usually the first time many couples sit down and put what they want out in the open for each other to see.  It can sometimes be the start to many very important conversations.

Ideas get organized.  A view of what their birth will look like starts to take form.  Couples start to have questions they can take to their doctors. 

I hate birth plans because for many people it is the only discussion or the end of the discussion.  

I've heard over and over, "Oh, it's in our birth plan that we want  (fill in the blank) so I'm not worried." 

So here is a little exercise.  Let's play what if...

What if you forget to bring your birth plan to the hospital?  Have you remembered what is important to you? 

What if you are planning for freedom of movement and getting in water for pain management, but it becomes necessary that you stay close to monitors and out of water?  Can you think of positions and locations for massage that will help you cope? 

What if your partner gets sick? Do you have back up support you can call?

What if you are planning a vaginal birth, and it becomes evident that you require a cesarean birth? Have you talked about how this will impact your postpartum healing?

What if your baby need to be taken to the NICU (a
neonatal intensive-care unit) after birth?  Will your partner go with baby or stay with you?  Do you have someone who can come to be with you until your partner returns? 

Here is how I can help:
  • As your doula, many of the What Ifs above can be greatly improved if you hire me.  I can help remember what was important - either by recalling conversations we've had, or by using  B.R.A.I.N.

  • As your doula, I am present to help with positioning, with massage, counter pressure, comfort, and pain management.  You don't need to know every beneficial position - I'll be your walking, talking, resource. 

  • As your doula, I can be your support if your partner becomes unable - be it from sickness, from exhaustion, or for bathroom breaks and meals! 

  • As your doula, I can help prepare you for what the cesarean delivery will be like, as well as help you make a plan for how to heal from an unexpected surgery.  Doulas aren't just for vaginal deliveries.  I have helped many mothers go through planned cesarean deliveries. 

  • As your doula, I hope it isn't needed, but if your baby goes to the NICU, I can stay with you.  You don't have to be alone while you wait for news or your partner to return. 


And let's not forget - as your doula, I will help you write your birth plan.  Because sometimes many families don't have any idea of how to get the conversation started in the first place, or what topics to cover. 

So let's get together
to see how I can help, both talking about the What Ifs, but also about how you can have the best possible preparation for the birth that you want. 

Authored by A Swift Doula





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Your boobs are amazing

2/27/2015

3 Comments

 
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I love the moment when mom looks down at her new baby and then looks up at me with huge eyes.  "She's doing it!  She's latched! 

Breasfeeding is a wild ride.
The first days when baby licks, sucks, and is nourished by mom's magic yellow gold - colostrum in small, perfect portions. Going home on day two or three of your baby's life, and feeling the first signs that your breasts have started to produce more mature milk. Your body is feeding your baby! 

Did you know your boobs are amazing? 


As your doula, you can call me anytime in pregnancy and after.  I am happy to support you through the transition from pregnancy to parenthood.  But what does that mean? 

It means, I get a text at 6:30am saying, "Is there something I should be doing different?!  He fed fine in the hospital but last night was horrible!"  

You don't have to say the words, "I need help breastfeeding!" 

I come over, I give you a hug, look you in the eye, and we go over basics and get a fresh set of eyes (and an extra set of hands) to help assess whats going on. 

And most times, with some pillows in the right spots, a quick refresher and some encouraging words, we get baby to breast. 

It means, when baby seems to be fussy all the time, even after just eating, you can call me and share all your fears. 

"What if I'm not making enough milk?!" 

I meet you right where you're at.  We talk about what's happening and how you are feeling.  We talk about what you can do to put your mind at ease, and when you should call your pediatrician.  Sometimes, it means I help you find a way to keep track of feedings and dirty diapers so you can really see how incredible this process is. 

See!  Look!  Your breasts are feeding your baby!  That is amazing! 

As moms, we can read books and we can watch videos but we have to learn how to breastfeed.  It is a process that you go through at the same time your baby is learning!  Each feeding will get a little easier.  Each time you are with your baby, you will know a bit more about each other.  You will learn cues, signs, and an incredible bond is there already.   

And look at that!  Your boobs are amazing!  Your body is feeding your baby!

Authored by A Swift Doula


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Magic Doula

12/29/2014

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Knock, knock, knock!

"We're so glad you're here!"

As a doula, I get to walk into some pretty amazing situations and give support.  Help that makes some parents believe I work some incredible magic into their lives. 

As a birth doula, I can push on the right spot, I can anticipate needing that drink, I can look deep into your eyes as you feel the bit of yourself unlock that you weren't sure was there. 

Oh, it's there alright, I'm looking right at it.  *magic*

As a postpartum doula, my "magic" looks different. 

I walk into a client's home, and it may look like this: the baby is crying, and mom or dad is walking, bounding, shhhhshing trying everything they can to get that baby to be calm.  The Netflix on, the dish washer is running.  Notifications from their cell phones won't stop because, "OMG, You guys!  You're parents!  Congrats!  This is so awesome!" 

Meanwhile...bouncing, shhhshing, walking...

Let's flip this to the adult world.  Imagine you have never been to a casino.  You have no idea that you will be bombarded with sounds, lights, noise, smells, and people.  There are constant bells going off with a new winner just beyond that row of flashing lights.  The clink, swoosh, clink, swoosh, of slot machines.  And the floor plan is huge - you feel like you have been walking for days through the maze of machines, tables, tvs, and people.  Someone is coming to you about every 15 minutes to see if you want to order food or a beverage from the bar. 

Clink, swoosh.  Clink, swoosh. 

You go to the bathroom to get a break and there are commercials playing on the (appropriately named) loud speakers. 

By the time you leave and get to your car, you need to sit there for a minute and let all that noise, all those lights, all that stuff to just fizzle out of your head.  It is totally overwhelming!  Think of Disney Land.  Think of your mall around the holidays.  Think of a rock concert.  All of these examples give an inkling of what your infant is feeling.

You may not think that your home, with it's comfy pillows, quirky art, and delicious meals is anything close to a hoppin' casino, but to your new baby, you are living at Caesars Palace! 

But the difference between you and your baby is you have had time to learn how to cope with the busy world.  You can leave if you want.  You can turn things off.  You can say, "Hey!  Knock it off over there!"

What can babies do?  Cry.  Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry. 

But you're holding them, and shhhhshing them, and walking with them!  What gives!

You may be trying to help, but unfortunately, it's backfiring. 

So I show up and I work my "magic." 

I change the babies diaper. 
I grab a cozy blanket that smells like mom.
I go to a dark, quiet place.
I wrap the baby around with smells of mom, and nestle him or her right in the crook of my neck. 
I make make a calm, low, shhhusing sound, and I lightly pat his or her bottom, over and over. 

No bouncing.  No Walking.  No lights.  I'm giving baby time to step back from that scary, confusing place, and replace all the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings with very, little else.  

It will take some time.  Put a comfy chair in the spot you will use to calm your baby. 

If this is you, Mom, reading this post, start all this with a big breath, and let your self relax too.  Baby will feel your stress, so if you need to put baby is a safe place for a few minutes, that's okay. 

Go back refreshed, realizing that for 9-months, all baby knew was you.  You were the world your baby belonged to. 

As you get to know your baby better, you will begin to recognize signs that baby is getting over stimulated.  You will then be able to plan how to keep it from happening. 

You already have the magic that comes from being the parent to this wonderful human.  With some insight into your baby's world, you will develop your own "magic" and the evenings with fussy baby will become easier and easier. 

Hang in there.  This get better. 

Authored by A Swift Doula
Special thanks to HelloDoDoshop on Etsy for use of their adorable image.  Visit their page for other adorable items.

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