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U-Shaped Parenting

8/28/2015

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"Let's talk about it."

It's not flashy, but it may be the most creative thing that I have ever shared with my daughter.  And I say this because, of something I just heard yesterday.

I was listening to an interview with Todd Henry, author of the The Accidental Creative and most recently Louder Than Words where he talked about the "U shape journey" of the creative process.  He described what was involved in the work of being a creative; the layers, experience, learning, time, challenges, and struggle that made success look easy...from the outside.  And he affirmed that you can't get there without all of that stuff.  That to make lasting, long term progress, sometimes we have to be inefficient in the short term to be effective in the long run. 

I can't think of a better description of parenthood that I've heard in the last half of year. 

Let me share a little bit more about this U shaped journey: he likens it to taking a hike down, through, and up a canyon.  When we start our journeys, be it a project or parenthood, we can see across the gap to the other side.  We can see the end result.  We can see our baby breastfeeding well, that our baby sleeps through the night.  We can see our toddler using a toilet and not using a diaper.  We can see them reading books, or riding a bike, or learning to swim, or ANY of the millions of things our children will learn in this life. 

In our minds we see the end.  So we start.  We get excited!

In essence we hike down the path. 

We decide that we will try a sleep sack.  Or a white noise machine.  We start the process of introducing a potty and teaching cues to go pee.  We spend time reading books to our children, we introduce letter sounds and names, and then sight words.  We use scooters, then training wheels.  We start at the beach on the sand, with toes and legs in the water. 

Then we get to the bottom of the "U" and something happens. 

We are surrounded by weeds. The path isn't as clear.  We look up and can't see the end.  It starts to get dark and we realize the trip is longer than we planned and we will have to camp out in the bottom of the canyon for a night. 

When we are in the bottom of those canyons,  when we have tried to keep our focus but the path gets blurry, it starts to feel like failure.  It starts to feel completely hopeless.  It starts to feel like a mistake. 

We question our direction.  We question our decisions.  We question what got us excited in the first place. 


But the next day, the sun comes up, and we have more light, we keep going on our path, and we we start to climb.  We climb up the other side of the canyon - each step hard, but showing incredible progress.  And before we realize, we are at the top, on the other side. 

We are there, with our baby who can breastfeed seamlessly.  We are there with our baby who is sleeping through the night.  With our toddler who is potty trained, or our young child who can read herself a story or ride a bike, or swim for hours. 

Through the canyons I have already hiked with  my daughter and the many that are come come, I know I will continue to use a phrase that invites cooperation - "Let's talk about it." 

I would talk with my girl friends when my baby was causing me worry.   I would talk with my husband when it felt like I was losing my mind.  And I would talk with my daughter.  Even when she had no clue what I was saying. 

Just recently, when she was not interested in picking up her room, she even said it back to me. "Let's talk about it, mom."  And I was so happy that she used those words instead of fussing, and that she engaged in (if I'm being honest) a negotiation of sorts. 

Everyone goes through these canyons.  But from the outside we rarely see each journey.  We rarely see them at the bottom of their "U." 

And what I'm learning, and what Todd Henry affirms, is that the process is important. 

For some families, deciding to have a baby is the starting point of their canyon.  Prenatal education, IVF, IUI, surrogacy, or adoption are all huge undertakings.

Some families are able and happy to be pregnant, but are lost when it comes to birth and labor. 

Some families are solid for labor, but have zero help or plan for postpartum. 

When we are in the weeds and need help getting back on track, to get caught up, or to start the process with some help, you need to be able to know who can help. 

Know that you don't have to to this alone.  Contact me for early support for pre-pregnancy or labor support or postpartum support and you can have all the help you need along any part of your U-shaped journey.   

Authored by Ariel Swift, A Swift Doula





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Green Diaper Babies Visits A Swift Doula!

7/31/2015

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I am so excited to share a conversation with Shannon Griffith, owner of Green Diaper Babies, Chicago's premier cloth diaper delivery service. 

I used disposable diapers with my daughter when she was a newborn, but was happy to convert to cloth diapers when she was about a month old.  Using cloth diaper with my daughter I fell in love with their ease, baby-friendly fabrics, and how well she was able to convert from diaper to using the toilet. What was most surprising for me getting started is that they can be just as simple as disposables. 

There is something out there called an All-In-One which was the selling point to get my husband on board.  Green Diaper Babies knew this kind of diaper would make a tremendous difference for families, and she is happy to offer this option as well as traditional pre-fold diapers. 

But don't get bogged down with this lingo - Green Diaper Babies offers a class for parents looking into diaper use.

Green Diaper Babies takes all the good qualities of using cloth diapers for your family and none of the bad, meaning, cleaning the soiled nappies!

Shannon has a love for families and the environment, and this venture is an extension of those passions.  Feel free to visit Green Diaper Babies for more information or - get this - call 773 - DIAPERS.  Love that.


Interview with Shannon Griffith
What led to the creation of Green Diaper Babies?  

An adventure! :)  I am originally from Colorado but living in Oklahoma at the time the seeds were planted in December of 2012.   I moved to Chicago in the summer of 2013 to get things started.  It will be 2 years in August and I'm so happy I took the leap to try Chicago, try cloth, and I can definitely say I found a passion!  

What have you learned your customers are concerned about?  

Our customers are concerned about usually a few reasons.  First, the environment; even making a small change, one cloth diaper a day would say 365 diapers from landfills! The numbers add up.  Another reason would be baby health: rash is slim or non existent, as well as skin sensitivities are eliminated because of the natural fiber.  Plus a baby in cloth diapers on average potty trains 6 months sooner!

Can you speak to the level of education that may be involved to encourage people who may not know this diaper option exists?   

Parents overall are becoming better at looking at options, trying to be open minded and find what parenting styles and techniques they want for their family.  Cloth is one of those choices.  Cloth is not as mainstream yet as it ought, but certainly has progressed over the past generation and we can only hope this continues.  Most families who are looking into better, holistic, healthier options for their family often turn to cloth.
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What is your favorite part of the cloth diaper business?

Oh my, my favorite part?  I have given a couple of years of my full attention and passion to the the cloth diaper business and really love it.  I have experienced every part of this company and I wouldn't trade it for anything!  My favorite part is that at the end of the day, the long week, and the load of laundry, I know that I've had a positive impact on my friends, city, and earth.  I'm making a difference in a small way and I sleep well at night knowing that one less diaper is in the landfill and one more baby slept well in cloth.  I wouldn't be in the business if it wasn't for the wonderful families I work with daily! 

The cloth diaper market has many different options and brands.  How did you come to your decision on which brands you would use? 

I knew we would carry the traditional cotton pre-fold as it is the most basic, traditional, yet approachable and affordable.  Our All-In-One diaper decision was a bit harder because we knew we would be standing out.  The All-In-One diapers are often not offered in services across the nation and I chose to give them a shot.  I came into the industry with a fresh eye and saw the modernization of cloth.  I knew my company needed to be on that page to offer the best for our customers.

How do you offer ongoing support to families who use your service? 

One of the best things I think we offer in our service is our free in-home consultation for each of our clients.  Though this technically happens before they begin the service, it sets every new client up for success!  We take time to meet with each family individually to practice putting diapers on, review products and policy, and to have a face to a name. This helps us in our relationships going forward because we know siblings, pets, babies, and parents names and environments.  Now that the weather is nice we also coordinate Meetups for our customers and other cloth diapering families in and around Chicago.  We meet in parks and cafes to talk and share stories and mingle.  It's a real blast!  

What have some of the responses been from customers? 

I'm thankful to say that most customer responses have been positive.  Over the course of the couple years I've had the opportunity to watch little ones grow and I am thrilled to have been a part of their lives!  The families are terrific and allow us to be succeeding.  Often we hear good reviews on our service, which for me is most important, so I am thankful for that!! 

What parts of Chicago do you service?  

We service every zip code of the city of Chicago; we go North through North Shore to Highland Park, West to Elgin an Aurora, South to Tinley Park, and of course everything in between! 

What is the best way for people to learn more about cloth diapering through a diaper service? 

We offer free Cloth Diaper 101 course usually twice a month.  We have classes in the suburbs, West Loop, Lincoln Park, Ravenswood, and Evanston. We try to meet in spaces that are relevant for our customers such as prenatal gyms, chiropractor and acupuncturists who workwith pre- & postnatal, and birthing centers and studios. Our workshops discuss options of washing at home or cloth diapering with a service.  And as mentioned before, we also offer the free in-home consultation for our customers, which is a great one-on-one.  And if schedules don't allow or class doesn't work out, call us: 773-DIAPERS.  We are happy to talk about cloth diaper with you!



Thank you so much to Shannon and her team that makes this incredible service possible!  If you are looking for more information about Green Diaper Babies, visit their website at www.greendiaperbabies.com
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Making The Load A Little Lighter

6/30/2015

1 Comment

 
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Making choices takes a lot of energy. 

What I'm talking about is being proactive.  Being forward thinking.  Investing time into planning instead of wasting time reacting. 

I have talked a little bit about reacting and responding, and some of the differences in a post last December about decisions in labor.  It can be hard to feel prepared for something that you didn't know would happen, so having the B.R.A.I.N. tool ready can be a huge help!

But that's the game of life right?  We never really know what is coming next in the big picture, so we do the best we can.  We budget our money, we allocate our energy, we prioritize our schedules.

And then we have kids.

And nothing is ever really child-proof.  Time ceases to operate as we thought.  Emotions are fickle.  We are caught unable to plan for dinner, let alone the week, month, or next 18 years. 

There is so much time for planning when you are pregnant.  There are parties, books being read, thoughts about going-home outfits, car seat selection... all that time will feel luxurious compared to what happens after your baby arrives. 

There is a term that circulates:  baby brain.  It is the feeling of having lost one's ability to think logically, or remember events or facts once your baby is born.  Some of it comes from being woken up every 2 to 3 hours.  Some of it comes from being bewildered by this new little love in your life, and some of it is complete unexplainable. 

(Some moms tell me they feel like part of their brain was actually sacrificed and given to this new human.  They hope their old self will come back!) 

The eerie passing of time, the new responsibilities, the reality of your expanding family can make all the plans you had fly right out the window.  Responding turns into reacting.  And events regress into meeting the needs that now come hour by hour. 

This is hard for many parents, but this is totally normal. 

What I hope for new parents is that when there are able hands near to help, and that the loads will feel lighter instead of heavier. 

Sometimes visitors who are trying to be helpful end up being a burden or making a bigger mess.  Sometimes family that is there to support instead inflicts judgement.  Sometimes there is no one else. 

When you are in your planning stages for you expanding family, keep in mind that a person you can count on to help ease your load is a postpartum doula. 

Your postpartum doula can help with new infant care or help nurture your family with meals.  Your postpartum doula can support your breastfeeding journey and help you get sleep.  Your postpartum doula can listen to your concerns and help you feel better prepared for what is next. 

A postpartum doula will not do one thing - and that is make your new normal harder for you or your family. 

I invite you take some time, while it is in so much abundance, and consider if bringing a postpartum doula into your after-care plan is a proactive step you can take to help with all of the unexpected situations a new infant brings to your family. 

You are everything your new baby needs.  A postpartum doula can be there to ensure you feel up to responding to your new role.  

Question: Have you used a postpartum doula?  What was the more unexpected benefit?  What would you share to families thinking of this service? Share your advice!

Authored by A Swift Doula

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The migratory Pattern Of a Thought in Labor

6/23/2015

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I'm in a new phase of Repeat Everything

People joke that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, but I'm not sucker; it's not insanity - that's parenting. 

When I was chatting with my non-English speaking infant, she would gurgle, and I found myself saying over and over, "Tell me all about it!"

When my daughter was walking and still not talking,  there I was saying the words over and over, "Do you want more?  More?  More?"  until my word was linked to the few baby signs she was learning. 

And now, fast forward, my 3-year-old understands me.  She speaks to me.  We have conversations that make us both laugh, like this one from bedtime last night:

H: (whisper) Shhhhhhh.  Mommy, it's time to sleep.
Me: (whisper) Ok, Harper.
H: ....Fffffffffffffff..... (followed by both of us laughing)
Me:  Is your butt going to go to sleep too?

(Both of us crack up laughing)

Me: (whisper) Oh sorry....shhhhhhh.....
Harper: Mommy stop.  I'm the leader of the shushes.  
Me:  Okay Harper

(We don't repeat that over and over.  I promise.  But sometimes a fart joke needs to be made...)

Putting toys away, getting dressed, the plan for the day...over and over and over.  And it's not that she doesn't hear or understand, it's that there are so many distractions in the world for a 3-year-old. 

Pro Tip:  Distractions aren't all in the physical world, so watch out for fun conversations coming out of left field. EX:

Me: Harp, c'mon, in your seat.  Let's get buckled and go. 
H: Mom, where are we going?
Me: Home.
H: But Mexico is much more exciting.  Why don't we there first?
(Yes, why don't we!   ...sigh...  )
Me: Do you know where Mexico is? 
Harp: On the map.  My fingers can go there fast.  Look at my nail polish!  My auntie did it for me!

Inevitably, carrying a pile of laundry to her room ends up being an obstacle course.  "Hey mommy!  Come look at this new trick I can do!"

Picking up books turns in to drawing pictures, playing with Lego, and jumping on her trampoline.  "Hey mommy!  Look at this new jump I just learned!"

Doing the dishes together is not really doing the dishes.  "Hey mommy!  Look at this splash I can make!"

And she's off again!  My little swiftlet indeed has the attention span of a bird.  And all of it is fine and part of life, and honestly, part of the joy in being three.  Plus she is stinking adorable, so yeah...

Repeating myself is part of her learning process, and me being patient (even when it's really really really hard) is to her benefit.

Bringing this Back Around...
I don't just repeat myself to my daughter. 

There are a few times in life when people need calm, patient understanding.  For women going through labor, being in the moment is a way to both help contractions do the best work they can, and for a woman to connect with her experience. It does no good to imagine all the contractions that need to come before the baby arrives.

So we take it one contraction at a time. 

One breath at a time. 

And often, taking a deep, low, long breath is very difficult to remember.  So I say, over and over and over,

"Breathe.  Good.  Just like that." 

It's not that a laboring mother has the attention span of a 3-year-old.  It's that labor is hard.  Pain has the incredible ability to make us lose focus. 

So I say again, "Here one comes.  Big breath in, and slowly let it out.  Good.  Breath in, and out."  Until that mom is able to get into her rhythm and starts to respond to silent cues from how we touch, how the room shifts, how her partner hubs her back, how we all start to breath together.

It's a cycle, you see.  It keeps going. 

After her baby is born, she tries again and again to help her little baby understand the world.  Her baby is stimulated from the entire world!  And mom is there to bring it back down, help that little baby focus, and teach some very incredible things. 

Thoughts wander.  The brain is exercising.  It is a great incredible thing to witness in my toddler. 

But in labor, wandering thoughts, unexpected distractions, and fear can make the experience feel harder than it already is. 

So let's bring it back down...
Pull that focus back...
Your thoughts want to fly up with a gust of excitement, but you have a tight hold at the bottom, slowly winding up that string, around and around and around...and you bring it back to your center...back to your baby...
Breathe all the way down...

Good...just like that...

Authored by A Swift Doula
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DIY Parenting

4/10/2015

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DIY is great!  There is so much excitement.  So much anticipation!  You have the dream vision, plans, and you put in the work.  And then maybe more work...

I love DIY (check out a few past projects).  I love figuring stuff out.  I love demolition.  I love the way my body feels after a great day of hard work. 

My husband and I are beginning the search for a home, and we are talking about a fixer-upper, but …
 Do we have the time? 
Do we have the patience? 
Do we love each other enough to make it through the process?

In the very limited time I’ve been a parent, I have come to the conclusion that raising a child is the ultimate DIY project.  It is, in fact, one of the biggest DIYs one can take on. 

So get your gear, and load up your tool box.  Let’s dive in:

1. Designs can change 

You see it on shows all the time.  They were going to take out this wall, or leave that element in place, but then there is a load bearing beam, or mold behind the bead board.  Ah!  Designs change. 

If you are planning a huge family gathering after you come home from the hospital, but you realize only after you’ve sent out the invites that…
…wow, you just had a baby! 
You need to heal! 
You can’t take your infant grocery shopping!  You can't even put pants on yet. 

Change the plan.  Cancel the party, or have it catered – but you don’t have to be the host with the most.  It is okay. 

2. Measure twice, cut once

Whether it’s a board or a piece of drywall, materials cost money, so before you decide to make a piece of anything smaller, measure your space twice so you know your cut is perfect. 

With babies, you never know when they are going to have a diaper blow out, or a puke explosion. 

Take stock of your supplies. 

Do you have enough diapers?  Wipes? 
Do you have a burp rag? 
Do you need to throw in a snack for you or dad if someone starts to get grumpy? 

Check it out so you won’t be marooned with poop up your baby’s back, or puke down yours. 

3. Clean as you go

Demolition may be fun – the smashing, crashing, and physical nature of tearing something out.  But then you have to clean it all up before you can move on to the next project. 

Just like you have to get the rubble to the dumpster, when your baby starts to grow...
it may be helpful to clean out their things as you go. 

Do you have a plan for what to do when clothes get too small? 
Are you keeping them in storage?  Donating them?  Passing them to a friend? 

Think out where these items will go, because your baby is going to grow faster than you think! 

4.  Ask for help when you’re over your head

As brilliant YouTube is, some things require extra physical help.  Are you trying to hang a ceiling fan?  You might need a second set of hands. 

Same with parenting. 

Some days you just need more help. 
Call your friends or make a new one.  Family is a great resource too.  Don’t fell like you have to do it all yourself!  It is DIY, but perhaps it should be DIYS – Do It Yourself, Sometimes.

5.  Sometimes you need the help of the professionals

Perhaps your friends just aren't enough.  You are just in over your head.  Thinking you could re-wire your whole house was a bit much for a first timer. Call the electrician. 
Perhaps you really would benefit from a landscape architect coming to help you with a long term plan.  Perhaps you need a contractor. 

Same for parenting.  Sometimes calling a professional isn’t giving up, but instead just getting over a few speed bumps. 
For parents, many would benefit from hiring a postpartum doula. 

A person that can help design a plan, or get you over a rough spot.  I am happy to provide this service to parents looking for just a few hours, or a few days of care.  Looking for long term?  I can help there too.

Need some rest?  I can come for over nights. 
Need help for those hours when it seems your child has been bewitched? 
Do you have logistical questions about equipment, organizing a nursery, or breastfeeding with work? 
Let me help you. 

Adding professional care to your DIY plan isn’t you throwing in the towel – I promise.  You will be an incredible parent, and sometimes that means knowing when to call in the reinforcements. 

Authored by A Swift Doula.  
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Nighttime vs. Morning

3/20/2015

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By: Bethan Phillips
It would be grand if this place, this TIMEOUT, really existed.  Like a giant pause button to take us out of HERE and land us in THERE.  But instead...

"I don't want it to be bedtime!  I want it to be sun time!"

"Sorry sweet heart.  The sun is already in bed.  You need to go to bed too."

"Mom, I don't want it to be bedtime!  Can we snuggle?"

"Time to potty and brush your teeth."

"I don't want to brush my teeth!"

"Ok.  But we are going to potty and brush our teeth.  Even when we don't want to."

"Mom.  I want to play."

"I hear you honey.  I want you to play too, but we are out of time for play.  We are in time for bed." 

At bedtime some of the things I say are just a huge puzzle of language that my daughter tries to figure out.  Sometimes I do it on purpose.  It will distract her thinking about what I'm saying and in the meantime, she goes potty, she lets me brush her teeth, and by the time she looks at me again with a question, I have one leg of her jammers on her wiggly body. 

Sometimes, the words just flow out of me in non-sense.

Sometimes, I can't think of what to say.  

"Every night we have bed time.  Every night is the same."  Except it isn't, is it? 

"Mom I want to sleep with you!" 

"You get to start in your own bed and we'll see where we all land in the morning."

Like magically, we float around the house and plop down in different places.  Turns out, Harper is the only one who is able to fly these days, as without a doubt, she is in our bed come morning. 

It is such a firm grasp she has of her day - she doesn't want to let it go.  This one day has been so great that sleep will only ruin how great this day is...if only we didn't need to sleep! 

When do we stop dreading bedtime?  Is that when we become adults? 

Meow!

No doubt it's 7:21a, as the cats are better than alarm clocks - if only I could set their time.  Meow!

"Morning momma."  Stretch 

"Morning Harper.  How did you sleep?"

"Fine." 

"Did you have any dreams?"  She still doesn't know what I'm talking about when I ask this one.  She just stares at me. 

"Can we go to Papa Glen's house today?"

"No sweetie.  But we'll visit him soon.  Do you want to call him?"

"No.  Let's get breakfast.  Let's race!" 

And she already has a firm grasp on this new magical day. 


QUESTION: How do you and your kids dance through bedtime? 

Authored by A Swift Doula
Photo credit: Bethan Phillips.  *This photo is copyrighted and can only be used with the correct attribution*





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Dad and Baby: developing a Bond

2/27/2015

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If you've gone through a child birth education class, you probably have knowledge of a hormone called Oxytocin.  Nicknamed "The Love Hormone," it is responsible for feelings of connectedness and bonding.  There is a rush of Oxycontin in the first hours of baby's life, which helps establish feelings of protectiveness and love in a new mom, and helps stimulate natural systems to work, such as returning the uterus back to pre-pregnancy size, and production of breast milk. 

But what about the parent that didn't deliver a baby?  How does bonding begin for the person that didn't get a jolt of hormones? 


If you are looking for ways to get Oxycontin flowing and to start creating a bond with your baby, here are some things that may help: 

  1. Feed that baby!  Baby associates good feelings with eating.  If possible be very close when breastfeeding, so your baby can see the faces of both parents.  It may feel silly, cramped or logistically difficult at first.  But imagine you are a family of spoons, nestled together.  Mom and baby can recline in the arms of dad, and you all can enjoy the experience. If pumping or bottle feeding, give dad the chance to have one-on-one feeding time. 
  2. Let dad have time before and after feeding sessions.  His voice, smell, and method will become a part of baby's routine.  If it's changing a diaper, gently burping, taking a walk around the house, or just holding baby close, bringing dad into these parts of the feeding process can help promote bonding. 
  3. Let dad soothe your crying baby.  As a mom, it can be hard to let your partner learn how to parent.  The feeling to jump in when ever baby cries is strong!  For a reason!  Those hormones that offer you the fountains of feel-goods can also make it hard to hear your baby cry.  But it is important for your partner to gain confidence in his ability to soothe, and it is important for baby to learn that this other person, this Dad, is someone that will offer comfort too.  Again, Dad's voice, smell, and demeanor will become things your baby will learn, and begin to associate with comfort.
  4. Encourage dad to find things he enjoys that he can share with baby.  It may not be the thing you would prefer he does with baby, but it may be just what they need.  I still remember cringing when my husband would sit on the couch with our young baby girl to watch rugby.  But now if she is having a hard time going to sleep, it isn't uncommon for her to ask him to put on a rugby game.  They then snuggle up together and before long, they are BOTH asleep.  
  5. Read a book together.  Not only will your baby enjoy hearing your voice, but you will help stimulate parts of your baby's brain that will help them learn about language, the world around them, and also the topic of you selected book.  Parents reading to their children has been shown to increase the likely hood that those children will be readers later, because the thing your child loves most, you, is connected with reading.  It's a win-win!

    How have you or your partner bonded with your child?  Do you remember anything that struck you as odd at the time but in hindsight was perfect for them?

    *NOTE:  I use husband and dad in this post, but I realize and acknowledge there are many ways for a family to be formed and the term husband does not encompass every family situation. 
Authored by A Swift Doula
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5 Reasons to Have a Night Doula

2/26/2015

2 Comments

 
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  1. Sleep with peace.  You can't help but jump out of bed with each new sound your baby makes.  An overnight doula will be right there to tend to your baby so you can sleep peacefully, knowing your baby will be looked after.
  2. Support with night breastfeeding.  Night feeding can be difficult if you aren't aware of a baby's early cues that hunger is mounting.  Your night doula will be present to attend to your baby, take note of early hunger cues, and bring your baby to you before she is frustrated.  Your night doula will take care of all the burping, changing and soothing baby back to sleep, so you can return to rest. 
  3. Companionship in the wee hours.  If you are awake and need emotional support while you and your baby are learning how to breastfeed, having a non-judgmental person there to encourage you can be incredibly helpful.  A night doula can also help with positioning and getting a great latch for comfort and feeding. 
  4. A night doula will have up to date information on all things "baby", and what might be best for your parenting style.  With new information and products being released all the time, your doula will help you be confident in the choices you are making for you child.  
  5. A night doula will be present and available for you as a safe and judgement-free witness to your introduction into parenthood.  As you learn what is best for you and best for your baby, you can have hands on support encouraging you to develop confidence at your own pace. 

    And finally...because you deserve this!  Being a new parent is difficult and having a night doula is one more tool in your kit that can get you started off on this journey with success. 

    How could a night doula help you?

Authored by A Swift Doula


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The Revolution Will Not be Supervised

2/25/2015

4 Comments

 
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One of my biggest fears moving to Chicago - I have no idea how to raise a child here. 

Why?  Because I grew up in almost the exact opposite of this city. 

My childhood seems like something out of a time warp.  My siblings and I played unsupervised for large periods of time.  We were given permission, and even encouraged, to make trips to the nearest city, 3 miles away, on our bicycles for the sake of exploring.  We were in charge of chopping wood, building a fire in winter, and preparing meals, all at ages that are considered abuse by some these days.

Part of what I loved about my childhood is how much time I spent BY MYSELF.

I had to be responsible for myself.  Sometimes that meant getting myself from one place to another.  Sometimes that mean I had to get myself down from a tree.  Knowing I had no support in executing these tasks made me both aware of how far into trouble I was going, and then proud of my ability to get out of it.

So, I want to be able to give my daughter freedom to learn without me near by.  But now, I am in a city and culture that thinks my child can’t to things has to be protected at all costs. 

An article in the Atlantic gave some insight into how we got here.  This has been gaining momentum since the 80's.  The ruling of a case involving a family from Chicago became the impetus for
the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission publishing the first Handbook for Public Playground Safety in 1981, a short set of general guidelines to govern the equipment.

In Chicago, with it's 580 parks, there are many opportunities for play.  It is wonderful.  However, there has also been studies that these safer playgrounds aren't being used because they pose little challenge to those using them. 

But with all of the regulations and changes to playground safety, it has been shown that there has not been a reduction of children's visits to emergency rooms.  I am no researcher, but the risky behavior seems to have moved from the playground to...elsewhere - where ever the child can find an opportunity to make choices for himself, to explore organically, and live the thrill. 

So back to my original worries about parenting in a city - where can she spend time by herself that won't get me arrested, and will let her have an authentic thrilling experience?

There is no answer for this right now.  As parents, we will have to wade through as we go. 

What I think is important right now is that I know I want my daughter to have these opportunities to explore by herself. 

Perhaps it will start with going down to our building's lobby to get the mail by herself.  Perhaps at some point it will mean me giving her a shopping list and waiting at the front of the store for her to gather some items.  At some point, she will ride the CTA by herself. 

Will I be concerned and anticipate her return?  Absolutely!  But one of my parenting goals is to have a well adjusted, independent daughter who knows she can come to me with anything.  I see that she won't be able to come TO me if she isn't APART from me at some point. 

If I want her to know how to always come home, she needs to know where home is.  So to get ready for this, we'll work on basics for a three year old: 
What is mommy's name? 
What is mommy's phone number? 
Where do you live? 

How do you set safe boundaries with your children?  If you live in a large city, how do you navigate this?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Now You Get to Be The Guide

1/21/2015

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We receive all sorts of guidance in life.  Tour guides, guidance counselors, instructors...

A guide is (so says Mr. Webster)
  • a person who leads or directs other people on a journey
  • a person who shows and explains the interesting things in a place
  • a person who helps to direct another person's behavior, life, career, etc. 
Now compared to the definition of a parent:
  • a person who is a father or mother : a person who has a child
  • an animal or plant that produces a young animal or plant
  •  something out of which another thing has developed
Do you see how you are the first, and possibly, the greatest guide for your young child in this life?

There is a great post on Just Wanderlust about characteristics of a great tour guide.  If you have been reading my blog, you may remember I have a fond appreciation for tours.  I believe all of the points can be related to parenting but some favorites are:

From the section on time management - 

"
A great tour guide is aware of the start and end time but is flexible with the time and will tailor the day based on your interests and your time constraints.  Great tour guides never rush you as they are on your schedule."

Children don't know about clocks or time.  They don't know what being patient means.  They don't know that you have a tight schedule, or even what a schedule is.  As parents, keeping kids going in the direction we need them to and at a pace we need them to is difficult.  But sometimes it is possible to literally, stop and smell the roses.  And look at the color.  And talk about thorns and bugs, and dirt, and rain, and oh look!  That flower is pretty too!  ...and you are now enjoying the whole garden. 

Another great section is on color commentary -

"A great tour guide is a gifted story teller who is passionate about the attraction he’s showing you.  His historical accounts will take you back in time.  He’ll weave in personal anecdotes about what it’s like to live there including the good, the bad, and the ugly… and you’ll even laugh.  He’ll not only tell you about the culture, he’ll incorporate some cultural experiences into the tour (e.g., stopping for mint tea in Morocco or sampling putrefied shark in Iceland). He’ll talk to you like you are long-time friend in town for a visit."

Kids love stories.  In fact, research shows that children who are read to are more likely to remain life long learners, not because of vocabulary or content of the story, but because an emotional bond was established with a parent at an early age when being read to. 

But stories don't just come from books.  They can come from our minds and our lives.  Tell your child a story.  Any kind will do.  They will benefit regardless of the topic.

And the last bit I'll share from this great post, is about the initial introduction to a group.

"
The best guides spend the tour getting to know the guests on the tour that day and not in an intrusive way but in a way that shows genuine interest.  It could be during the car ride, over lunch/drinks, or as you walk from site to site."
Your child is someone you are getting to know.  They will change, like new things, learn new things, and change.  As parents, it is important to know who your child is right now.  What does you child like right now, not yesterday.  This comes from asking questions, and then listening to what they say.  No, not just listening, but really hearing them. 

With babies, it can be difficult, as language is not a skill they are able to master until later.  But they speak through smiles, they speak through curiosity, they speak through (yes, this too) showing displeasure.  So, are you hearing your child? 

One of my favorite times in my day is the drive to daycare in the morning, and the drive home when daycare is done.  It is a short few moments, where my daughter is sharing exciting things that are in her head.  Every morning, we have our rituals:  we round a bend and see the Chicago Skyline and shout, "Good morning Chicago!" and off we go, talking about the color of Lake Michigan that day, if the birds are napping in the harbor or if the fishermen have caught anything.  We talk about what she would like to do when I pick her up, and we sing silly songs. 

She and I don't have a meeting at the table with pencil and paper to discuss these things, but they happen, in real time.  I know that these little snippets will make harder conversations later in life come a bit easier.  And then, I will be a guide in a different way - talking and listening about bullies in school, talking and listening about persistence, and talking and listening about about her goals.

The crazy thing about this whole guide/guided journey, is she is my guide also.  It is not just give give give.  And it isn't just take take take.  We get to help each other, guide each other through this parent/child relationship.  For her and I, it started even before she was born- her telling me through position and discomfort how to move my body so she could best travel into the world.  It won't end until, hopefully, a very long time has passed. 

I am so excited for this adventure!

Authored by A Swift Doula
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