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U-Shaped Parenting

8/28/2015

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"Let's talk about it."

It's not flashy, but it may be the most creative thing that I have ever shared with my daughter.  And I say this because, of something I just heard yesterday.

I was listening to an interview with Todd Henry, author of the The Accidental Creative and most recently Louder Than Words where he talked about the "U shape journey" of the creative process.  He described what was involved in the work of being a creative; the layers, experience, learning, time, challenges, and struggle that made success look easy...from the outside.  And he affirmed that you can't get there without all of that stuff.  That to make lasting, long term progress, sometimes we have to be inefficient in the short term to be effective in the long run. 

I can't think of a better description of parenthood that I've heard in the last half of year. 

Let me share a little bit more about this U shaped journey: he likens it to taking a hike down, through, and up a canyon.  When we start our journeys, be it a project or parenthood, we can see across the gap to the other side.  We can see the end result.  We can see our baby breastfeeding well, that our baby sleeps through the night.  We can see our toddler using a toilet and not using a diaper.  We can see them reading books, or riding a bike, or learning to swim, or ANY of the millions of things our children will learn in this life. 

In our minds we see the end.  So we start.  We get excited!

In essence we hike down the path. 

We decide that we will try a sleep sack.  Or a white noise machine.  We start the process of introducing a potty and teaching cues to go pee.  We spend time reading books to our children, we introduce letter sounds and names, and then sight words.  We use scooters, then training wheels.  We start at the beach on the sand, with toes and legs in the water. 

Then we get to the bottom of the "U" and something happens. 

We are surrounded by weeds. The path isn't as clear.  We look up and can't see the end.  It starts to get dark and we realize the trip is longer than we planned and we will have to camp out in the bottom of the canyon for a night. 

When we are in the bottom of those canyons,  when we have tried to keep our focus but the path gets blurry, it starts to feel like failure.  It starts to feel completely hopeless.  It starts to feel like a mistake. 

We question our direction.  We question our decisions.  We question what got us excited in the first place. 


But the next day, the sun comes up, and we have more light, we keep going on our path, and we we start to climb.  We climb up the other side of the canyon - each step hard, but showing incredible progress.  And before we realize, we are at the top, on the other side. 

We are there, with our baby who can breastfeed seamlessly.  We are there with our baby who is sleeping through the night.  With our toddler who is potty trained, or our young child who can read herself a story or ride a bike, or swim for hours. 

Through the canyons I have already hiked with  my daughter and the many that are come come, I know I will continue to use a phrase that invites cooperation - "Let's talk about it." 

I would talk with my girl friends when my baby was causing me worry.   I would talk with my husband when it felt like I was losing my mind.  And I would talk with my daughter.  Even when she had no clue what I was saying. 

Just recently, when she was not interested in picking up her room, she even said it back to me. "Let's talk about it, mom."  And I was so happy that she used those words instead of fussing, and that she engaged in (if I'm being honest) a negotiation of sorts. 

Everyone goes through these canyons.  But from the outside we rarely see each journey.  We rarely see them at the bottom of their "U." 

And what I'm learning, and what Todd Henry affirms, is that the process is important. 

For some families, deciding to have a baby is the starting point of their canyon.  Prenatal education, IVF, IUI, surrogacy, or adoption are all huge undertakings.

Some families are able and happy to be pregnant, but are lost when it comes to birth and labor. 

Some families are solid for labor, but have zero help or plan for postpartum. 

When we are in the weeds and need help getting back on track, to get caught up, or to start the process with some help, you need to be able to know who can help. 

Know that you don't have to to this alone.  Contact me for early support for pre-pregnancy or labor support or postpartum support and you can have all the help you need along any part of your U-shaped journey.   

Authored by Ariel Swift, A Swift Doula





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Green Diaper Babies Visits A Swift Doula!

7/31/2015

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I am so excited to share a conversation with Shannon Griffith, owner of Green Diaper Babies, Chicago's premier cloth diaper delivery service. 

I used disposable diapers with my daughter when she was a newborn, but was happy to convert to cloth diapers when she was about a month old.  Using cloth diaper with my daughter I fell in love with their ease, baby-friendly fabrics, and how well she was able to convert from diaper to using the toilet. What was most surprising for me getting started is that they can be just as simple as disposables. 

There is something out there called an All-In-One which was the selling point to get my husband on board.  Green Diaper Babies knew this kind of diaper would make a tremendous difference for families, and she is happy to offer this option as well as traditional pre-fold diapers. 

But don't get bogged down with this lingo - Green Diaper Babies offers a class for parents looking into diaper use.

Green Diaper Babies takes all the good qualities of using cloth diapers for your family and none of the bad, meaning, cleaning the soiled nappies!

Shannon has a love for families and the environment, and this venture is an extension of those passions.  Feel free to visit Green Diaper Babies for more information or - get this - call 773 - DIAPERS.  Love that.


Interview with Shannon Griffith
What led to the creation of Green Diaper Babies?  

An adventure! :)  I am originally from Colorado but living in Oklahoma at the time the seeds were planted in December of 2012.   I moved to Chicago in the summer of 2013 to get things started.  It will be 2 years in August and I'm so happy I took the leap to try Chicago, try cloth, and I can definitely say I found a passion!  

What have you learned your customers are concerned about?  

Our customers are concerned about usually a few reasons.  First, the environment; even making a small change, one cloth diaper a day would say 365 diapers from landfills! The numbers add up.  Another reason would be baby health: rash is slim or non existent, as well as skin sensitivities are eliminated because of the natural fiber.  Plus a baby in cloth diapers on average potty trains 6 months sooner!

Can you speak to the level of education that may be involved to encourage people who may not know this diaper option exists?   

Parents overall are becoming better at looking at options, trying to be open minded and find what parenting styles and techniques they want for their family.  Cloth is one of those choices.  Cloth is not as mainstream yet as it ought, but certainly has progressed over the past generation and we can only hope this continues.  Most families who are looking into better, holistic, healthier options for their family often turn to cloth.
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What is your favorite part of the cloth diaper business?

Oh my, my favorite part?  I have given a couple of years of my full attention and passion to the the cloth diaper business and really love it.  I have experienced every part of this company and I wouldn't trade it for anything!  My favorite part is that at the end of the day, the long week, and the load of laundry, I know that I've had a positive impact on my friends, city, and earth.  I'm making a difference in a small way and I sleep well at night knowing that one less diaper is in the landfill and one more baby slept well in cloth.  I wouldn't be in the business if it wasn't for the wonderful families I work with daily! 

The cloth diaper market has many different options and brands.  How did you come to your decision on which brands you would use? 

I knew we would carry the traditional cotton pre-fold as it is the most basic, traditional, yet approachable and affordable.  Our All-In-One diaper decision was a bit harder because we knew we would be standing out.  The All-In-One diapers are often not offered in services across the nation and I chose to give them a shot.  I came into the industry with a fresh eye and saw the modernization of cloth.  I knew my company needed to be on that page to offer the best for our customers.

How do you offer ongoing support to families who use your service? 

One of the best things I think we offer in our service is our free in-home consultation for each of our clients.  Though this technically happens before they begin the service, it sets every new client up for success!  We take time to meet with each family individually to practice putting diapers on, review products and policy, and to have a face to a name. This helps us in our relationships going forward because we know siblings, pets, babies, and parents names and environments.  Now that the weather is nice we also coordinate Meetups for our customers and other cloth diapering families in and around Chicago.  We meet in parks and cafes to talk and share stories and mingle.  It's a real blast!  

What have some of the responses been from customers? 

I'm thankful to say that most customer responses have been positive.  Over the course of the couple years I've had the opportunity to watch little ones grow and I am thrilled to have been a part of their lives!  The families are terrific and allow us to be succeeding.  Often we hear good reviews on our service, which for me is most important, so I am thankful for that!! 

What parts of Chicago do you service?  

We service every zip code of the city of Chicago; we go North through North Shore to Highland Park, West to Elgin an Aurora, South to Tinley Park, and of course everything in between! 

What is the best way for people to learn more about cloth diapering through a diaper service? 

We offer free Cloth Diaper 101 course usually twice a month.  We have classes in the suburbs, West Loop, Lincoln Park, Ravenswood, and Evanston. We try to meet in spaces that are relevant for our customers such as prenatal gyms, chiropractor and acupuncturists who workwith pre- & postnatal, and birthing centers and studios. Our workshops discuss options of washing at home or cloth diapering with a service.  And as mentioned before, we also offer the free in-home consultation for our customers, which is a great one-on-one.  And if schedules don't allow or class doesn't work out, call us: 773-DIAPERS.  We are happy to talk about cloth diaper with you!



Thank you so much to Shannon and her team that makes this incredible service possible!  If you are looking for more information about Green Diaper Babies, visit their website at www.greendiaperbabies.com
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The Revolution Will Not be Supervised

2/25/2015

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One of my biggest fears moving to Chicago - I have no idea how to raise a child here. 

Why?  Because I grew up in almost the exact opposite of this city. 

My childhood seems like something out of a time warp.  My siblings and I played unsupervised for large periods of time.  We were given permission, and even encouraged, to make trips to the nearest city, 3 miles away, on our bicycles for the sake of exploring.  We were in charge of chopping wood, building a fire in winter, and preparing meals, all at ages that are considered abuse by some these days.

Part of what I loved about my childhood is how much time I spent BY MYSELF.

I had to be responsible for myself.  Sometimes that meant getting myself from one place to another.  Sometimes that mean I had to get myself down from a tree.  Knowing I had no support in executing these tasks made me both aware of how far into trouble I was going, and then proud of my ability to get out of it.

So, I want to be able to give my daughter freedom to learn without me near by.  But now, I am in a city and culture that thinks my child can’t to things has to be protected at all costs. 

An article in the Atlantic gave some insight into how we got here.  This has been gaining momentum since the 80's.  The ruling of a case involving a family from Chicago became the impetus for
the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission publishing the first Handbook for Public Playground Safety in 1981, a short set of general guidelines to govern the equipment.

In Chicago, with it's 580 parks, there are many opportunities for play.  It is wonderful.  However, there has also been studies that these safer playgrounds aren't being used because they pose little challenge to those using them. 

But with all of the regulations and changes to playground safety, it has been shown that there has not been a reduction of children's visits to emergency rooms.  I am no researcher, but the risky behavior seems to have moved from the playground to...elsewhere - where ever the child can find an opportunity to make choices for himself, to explore organically, and live the thrill. 

So back to my original worries about parenting in a city - where can she spend time by herself that won't get me arrested, and will let her have an authentic thrilling experience?

There is no answer for this right now.  As parents, we will have to wade through as we go. 

What I think is important right now is that I know I want my daughter to have these opportunities to explore by herself. 

Perhaps it will start with going down to our building's lobby to get the mail by herself.  Perhaps at some point it will mean me giving her a shopping list and waiting at the front of the store for her to gather some items.  At some point, she will ride the CTA by herself. 

Will I be concerned and anticipate her return?  Absolutely!  But one of my parenting goals is to have a well adjusted, independent daughter who knows she can come to me with anything.  I see that she won't be able to come TO me if she isn't APART from me at some point. 

If I want her to know how to always come home, she needs to know where home is.  So to get ready for this, we'll work on basics for a three year old: 
What is mommy's name? 
What is mommy's phone number? 
Where do you live? 

How do you set safe boundaries with your children?  If you live in a large city, how do you navigate this?

Authored by A Swift Doula

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Forced Affection: Why I won't Make My Child Hug You

1/12/2015

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There are a lot of people that keep tabs on my daughter.  She is loved by her family of aunts, uncles and grandparents, naturally.  But she also has an army of affection from the extended friends, and friends of friends that are a part of our world. 

My husband is a part of a close group of people, some of which have know each other since nursery school.  My mother in law is a force of connected energy and was into social networking before the internet existed.  Plus, my daughter is awesome, so there's that.  (That's her in the photo above.) 

And as much as I love these people and they love us, sometimes there are hurt feelings because my daughter does not always participate in the cultural exchange of hugging goodbye.  And I won't make her. 

I didn't always feel this way, but here I am, un-apologetically saying goodbye to friends in my own way, and letting my daughter say goodbye in hers, hug, handshake, wave, or blank stare. 

See, she is watching.  She doesn't understand everything, (obviously, as a 3 year old) and I want her to watch.  I want her to engage in the behavior that feels comfortable, and I want her interactions to be genuine. 

Most importantly, I want her to feel like she is the master of her body and what happens with it and to it. 

And this goes for me to, as her mom, of a sometimes-raging toddler.  When we are in the middle of a tickle attack, and she says stop, I stop, even if it is totally obvious that she wants to keep playing the game.  I want the word "stop" to mean something.  I want her to know I respect her space and her body.  I want her to have control. 

Granted, she is learning.  When she is thrashing on the floor because life is freaking hard, sometimes I need to pick her up and put her somewhere safe before she keeps on thrashing. 

But thrash on girl.  Get it out. 

Sometimes, she has so many feelings that she doesn't know what to do, and I ask if I can scoop her up and hug her.  I don't always hear her say yes, but I scoop her up and hug her until her tiny body isn't taken hostage by All The Things, what ever they are.  And she takes a big sigh, she puts her head on my shoulder, or she looks at me with huge tears on her cheeks, and she can tell me what she is feeling. 

If I teach my daughter that she has to hug people even if she doesn't want to, what am I really saying?  Am I telling her that other people's desires are greater than her own?  Am I telling her that her embrace is something that adults get to direct, rule over, and dictate? 

What I can show is that when we are spending time with people we love, hugging is a way to share our joy of being with that person.  I can show that being close to other people isn't scary, and that touch has meaning. 

Touch has meaning. 
Touch has meaning. 
Touch has meaning. 

If I can get this message across to her through examples of love, then it also reasons that she will understand why hitting is hurtful, that people's feelings are connected to how they are treated, and that feelings are valid. 

*Disclaimer:  I'm making this up as I go along.*  I've not read any books that tell me this is how one should parent.  All this comes from watching my daughter interact with loads of (what I know to be) wonderful people, and my daughter trying to interpret the situations.

Self esteem.  It starts early.  So just as I say with my daughter, "I am smart, I am brave, I can do anything!"  I also tell her that she is the boss of her body.  That she gets to take herself where she wants in life, and she gets to take care of it for the rest of her life. 

Does this resonate with you?

Authored by A Swift Doula.


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We're Surrounded: Keeping Parents Healthy In A House Full of Sick

11/3/2014

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Hmmm...is this the dirty crumpled up tissue, or the clean crumpled up tissue?  No!  Don't use your sleeve!

If I didn't want to admit we're in the throws of Fall, last night's daylight saving's time adjustment did the trick.  The trees are losing their leaves even faster, and now a coat is a MUST if leaving the house.  But as a parent, a coat also means pockets full of tissue.  Gross. 

Kids get sick.  It's just life.  If your kid is in daycare or school, they probably have been in some state of "sick" for some time already.  When I drop H off at daycare (more so when I pick her up), it's just a sea of smiling snotty faces. 

So here is a friendly reminder that our mom's knew what they were talking about, and some tried and true methods for keeping ourselves healthy this season. 

Wash your hands.  Stock up on a soap you like and use it.  Our hands are usually the ones holding the tissues and instructing them to "Blow!" but that also means we are in the trenches.  So wash up when ever you can.

Disinfect the hot zones.  Not all cleaners are created equal.  According to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), you should use a cleanser with an EPA registration number and the word disinfectant on the label.  Areas to be sure to clean regularly:
  • Door knobs
  • Sinks and counters and toilet handles
  • Refrigerator handles
  • Telephones, other devices, and remote controls
Laundry on hot wash.  If your clothes can survive a hot wash, put them through and let that water and some bleach (or color safe bleach) do the heavy hitting.  Disinfect the basin in between loads with an empty hot wash with bleach.  And again, wash your hands after loading - you were just handling the shirt your kid used for a tissue all day long. 

Tip from the Peditrician, as soon as your child comes home, they should change their clothes.  When H was starting daycare, our doctor suggested getting her out of the "contaminated" clothing as soon as possible.  It may result in more laundry (on hot), but it means school germs aren't mixing with the entire family. 

And some ideas that just feel good:
  • Buy some tea that you'll want to drink.  The warmth and fluid will both be good for you
  • Get your snugly pajamas out.  We all function better with more sleep.
  • Stock up on tissues
  • When in doubt, eat some chicken noodle soup. 

Authored by A Swift Doula




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Let's Talk about Depression and weaning

8/18/2014

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When I weaned Harper at 17.5 months old from breastfeeding, I was prepared for a new wave of emotions to take over.  However, knowing I could go into depression, and living through depression were two very different things. 

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leaving the house with A Toddler

7/5/2014

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You had somewhere you needed to be?  Sorry.  There is currently a No Pants Rebellion being staged in the foyer with no end in sight.  With Lego bombs.   

Oh you really want to go to the beach?  Sorry darlin'.  You need to pick up your (strewn about toy or object) before we go.  (Deploy clean up song.  Offer back up and support.  Resist raising tone and temper.)

So how do we get out of the house?  How do we ever leave? 
Here you go.  I'm not an expert, but this is how we do it. 

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