There are a lot of people that keep tabs on my daughter. She is loved by her family of aunts, uncles and grandparents, naturally. But she also has an army of affection from the extended friends, and friends of friends that are a part of our world.
My husband is a part of a close group of people, some of which have know each other since nursery school. My mother in law is a force of connected energy and was into social networking before the internet existed. Plus, my daughter is awesome, so there's that. (That's her in the photo above.)
And as much as I love these people and they love us, sometimes there are hurt feelings because my daughter does not always participate in the cultural exchange of hugging goodbye. And I won't make her.
I didn't always feel this way, but here I am, un-apologetically saying goodbye to friends in my own way, and letting my daughter say goodbye in hers, hug, handshake, wave, or blank stare.
See, she is watching. She doesn't understand everything, (obviously, as a 3 year old) and I want her to watch. I want her to engage in the behavior that feels comfortable, and I want her interactions to be genuine.
Most importantly, I want her to feel like she is the master of her body and what happens with it and to it.
And this goes for me to, as her mom, of a sometimes-raging toddler. When we are in the middle of a tickle attack, and she says stop, I stop, even if it is totally obvious that she wants to keep playing the game. I want the word "stop" to mean something. I want her to know I respect her space and her body. I want her to have control.
Granted, she is learning. When she is thrashing on the floor because life is freaking hard, sometimes I need to pick her up and put her somewhere safe before she keeps on thrashing.
But thrash on girl. Get it out.
Sometimes, she has so many feelings that she doesn't know what to do, and I ask if I can scoop her up and hug her. I don't always hear her say yes, but I scoop her up and hug her until her tiny body isn't taken hostage by All The Things, what ever they are. And she takes a big sigh, she puts her head on my shoulder, or she looks at me with huge tears on her cheeks, and she can tell me what she is feeling.
If I teach my daughter that she has to hug people even if she doesn't want to, what am I really saying? Am I telling her that other people's desires are greater than her own? Am I telling her that her embrace is something that adults get to direct, rule over, and dictate?
What I can show is that when we are spending time with people we love, hugging is a way to share our joy of being with that person. I can show that being close to other people isn't scary, and that touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
If I can get this message across to her through examples of love, then it also reasons that she will understand why hitting is hurtful, that people's feelings are connected to how they are treated, and that feelings are valid.
*Disclaimer: I'm making this up as I go along.* I've not read any books that tell me this is how one should parent. All this comes from watching my daughter interact with loads of (what I know to be) wonderful people, and my daughter trying to interpret the situations.
Self esteem. It starts early. So just as I say with my daughter, "I am smart, I am brave, I can do anything!" I also tell her that she is the boss of her body. That she gets to take herself where she wants in life, and she gets to take care of it for the rest of her life.
Does this resonate with you?
Authored by A Swift Doula.
My husband is a part of a close group of people, some of which have know each other since nursery school. My mother in law is a force of connected energy and was into social networking before the internet existed. Plus, my daughter is awesome, so there's that. (That's her in the photo above.)
And as much as I love these people and they love us, sometimes there are hurt feelings because my daughter does not always participate in the cultural exchange of hugging goodbye. And I won't make her.
I didn't always feel this way, but here I am, un-apologetically saying goodbye to friends in my own way, and letting my daughter say goodbye in hers, hug, handshake, wave, or blank stare.
See, she is watching. She doesn't understand everything, (obviously, as a 3 year old) and I want her to watch. I want her to engage in the behavior that feels comfortable, and I want her interactions to be genuine.
Most importantly, I want her to feel like she is the master of her body and what happens with it and to it.
And this goes for me to, as her mom, of a sometimes-raging toddler. When we are in the middle of a tickle attack, and she says stop, I stop, even if it is totally obvious that she wants to keep playing the game. I want the word "stop" to mean something. I want her to know I respect her space and her body. I want her to have control.
Granted, she is learning. When she is thrashing on the floor because life is freaking hard, sometimes I need to pick her up and put her somewhere safe before she keeps on thrashing.
But thrash on girl. Get it out.
Sometimes, she has so many feelings that she doesn't know what to do, and I ask if I can scoop her up and hug her. I don't always hear her say yes, but I scoop her up and hug her until her tiny body isn't taken hostage by All The Things, what ever they are. And she takes a big sigh, she puts her head on my shoulder, or she looks at me with huge tears on her cheeks, and she can tell me what she is feeling.
If I teach my daughter that she has to hug people even if she doesn't want to, what am I really saying? Am I telling her that other people's desires are greater than her own? Am I telling her that her embrace is something that adults get to direct, rule over, and dictate?
What I can show is that when we are spending time with people we love, hugging is a way to share our joy of being with that person. I can show that being close to other people isn't scary, and that touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
Touch has meaning.
If I can get this message across to her through examples of love, then it also reasons that she will understand why hitting is hurtful, that people's feelings are connected to how they are treated, and that feelings are valid.
*Disclaimer: I'm making this up as I go along.* I've not read any books that tell me this is how one should parent. All this comes from watching my daughter interact with loads of (what I know to be) wonderful people, and my daughter trying to interpret the situations.
Self esteem. It starts early. So just as I say with my daughter, "I am smart, I am brave, I can do anything!" I also tell her that she is the boss of her body. That she gets to take herself where she wants in life, and she gets to take care of it for the rest of her life.
Does this resonate with you?
Authored by A Swift Doula.
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