Birth & Parenting, Podcasting & Retreats
  • A. Swift Welcome

Habitual Apology

6/8/2015

6 Comments

 
Picture
Ever get smacked in the face with a lesson?  One of those awakenings that is both blunt and truthful.  One which, after you notice it, you can't help but be smacked over and over with the day-to-day situations where you never noticed before?

For me it's apologizing.  Or was.

I was at a party last fall where I was called out by a friend (in a nice way) who made me realize I am/was a habitual apologizer.  I would say "I'm sorry" in situations that were just plain unnecessary.

We have a language where hundreds and hundreds of other words could be used, and I was editing down to an apology.  I know I'm not the only one here that can identify with this.

Mostly I know because I work with people who do it all the time.  New moms.  (I would say parents, but I don't really have moments with male parents where this comes up.)

And moms are saying it about things that require no apology.  At all.  Like feeling pain while in labor.  Or needing to feed their baby...again. 

Things like:
  • Having contractions Oh, wait just a minute, I'm sorry, I can't answer your question I'm having a contraction....
  • Being thirsty in labor I'm so sorry, can you get me my drink?
  • Changing positions No, no, no...I need to move, I'm sorry this position just doesn't feel good!
  • HAVING A BABY I'm sorry I made such a mess!

And it isn't reserved for the delivery room.  When moms get home, the I'm sorrys just keep coming:

  • Being sore I'm sorry I'm moving so slow.
  • A messy house (even if it isn't messy) I just haven't had time to pick up.  I'm sorry you have to see it like this.
  • A crying baby  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry! 
  • Being in Bed  I'm so sorry you have to be in here and see me like this. 

All of the things mentioned above are real situations that have happened, and I would bet all are common for many other doulas as well.  Some women prefer to be extremely private, so for them it IS completely odd and horrible that a visitor would be in her home and see this part of life. 

But guess what.  I'm a doula. 

It's not a statement I make often, but in reality I've seen a lot of vaginas and touched a lot of breasts.  The world of birth is not a scary or grotesque world for me, and the state of your living room, your baby's temperament, or your manner of dress are not judged.

You don't get points deducted for having unopened mail or a sink full of dishes.  In fact, how about I do those dishes real quick for you...No...it's fine...just relax!  Tell me how you're feeling.  How was last night? 

One of the things I talk about with my clients is how to prepare with realistic expectations of the postpartum period.  Not just with their own bodies, but with guests and family too. 

If it is important to you to have a clean home and a spread ready to go whenever guests may arrive, let's talk about ways I can help you prepare for that so you personally won't have to take over the brunt of that work AND the work of being a new mom. 

Sorry Not Sorry

Hashtags can be cheeky, silly, expressive, annoying, or whatever....

But I have fully embraced the #sorrynotsorry hashtag.   It was a step in my recovery, if you want to call it that.  

Just because I was made aware of my habit of apologizing didn't make it easy to unlearn it.  It took practice.  Quite a lot actually.  Months of it. 

But it has been a wonderful change.  Freeing. And I can see this as a positive change both for me and my daughter.  I want her to see me using an apology at times where it holds meaning and value.  I don't want to cheapen the phrase through overuse and inappropriate timing. 

I won't pretend that I understand your personal relationship with the phrase, "I'm sorry."  But I know in birth and recovery for the 6 weeks after (or more), there is a new normal where the feelings and tasks that used to be easy are no longer easy. 

There are no apologies necessary for that change.  It is not your fault.  It just is.

I'd love to hear from you reader!  Do you have a #sorrynotsorry moment you want to share? 
What was early recovery and postpartum like for you in your home? 
Did you feel guilt and if so, what for?


Authored by A Swift Doula









6 Comments
Stacey
6/8/2015 01:15:27 pm

Ariel,

This is so me :) - thank you for this.

Reply
Ariel
6/9/2015 05:26:21 am

<3

Reply
Kristin
6/9/2015 01:55:05 am

Excellent! Thank you, Ariel!

Reply
Ariel
6/9/2015 05:29:02 am

Thanks for reading!

Reply
Krystal link
6/9/2015 04:49:27 am

I believe this is a woman's issue and it gets heightened during pregnancy and postpartum. This message is so important for new moms. Also for women in the workplace, as well! #notsorry

Reply
Ariel
6/9/2015 05:28:35 am

Yes, you are so right! This isn't just a topic for labor and postpartum. Some discussion on social media have directed me to some satire that is out there, as well as full formed articles that have been published. This is by far not the first time this has come up, and I'm sure won't be the last.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Archives

    October 2018
    September 2017
    May 2017
    August 2016
    January 2016
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    August 2013

    Categories

    All
    Baby
    Babywearing
    Birth
    Birth Annoucement
    Birth Doula
    Books
    Breastfeeding
    Chicago
    Courage
    Dads
    Decisions
    Depression
    Doula
    Due Dates
    Events
    Fathers
    Food
    Get Connected
    Get Out
    Holidays
    Instagram
    Internet
    IVF
    Jill Of All Trades
    Labor
    Legacy
    Lets Talk About It
    Littles
    Magic
    Mommy Wars
    Motherhood
    Mother's
    Not Alone
    Parenting
    Penny Simkin
    Placenta
    Postdate
    Postpartum Doula
    Prodoula
    Real Life
    Sleep
    TLDG
    Todder
    Tools
    Video
    Weaning
    Wee Ones
    Where To Go
    Writing



    RSS Feed

CONTACT

HOME