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How do you know if you should have more kids?

5/11/2015

8 Comments

 
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Mother's Day just happened, and for the last three years, thoughts of babies come to mind.  Being a mother has been the BEST FUCKING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.  No apologies. 

My husband and I have been having some pretty non-committal conversations about having more kids.  We expanded our family on accident, and, I guess you could say, we're both gun-shy to continue its growth. 

Three years ago, I could say firmly, "Oh, I'm pretty sure we are just having one, but if we have more, we are going to wait until Harper is like 4.  Maybe 5."  Well, that wasn't received very well by those I talked with, but I threw all those judgey comments out with my refrigerator left overs.  Because, c'mon.  Really?!  We are still telling other people how many kids to have?

Recently I got to spend sometime with two incredible Moms.  Both have 5 children.  Five lovely children.  Both the pain and joy that come with a full family is extremely appealing to me.  I am 1 of 4 kids myself. 

And there is this great blog.  Girls Gone Child, by Rebecca Woolf.  If you spend anytime on her site you will see some of the most magical images of her four children.  It's like fairies are real!!!

Sisters, brothers.  Siblings. Going through life with a friend.  A built in, lifelong friend.  Or at least someone who will understand what it's like to have me as a crazy mother! 

So, like, hello?!  Universe?  Can we meet for coffee or something and work this out? 

Yeah.  Didn't think so. 

We, mere mortals, get to be in charge of this huge responsibility, just doing the best we know how. 

We'll figure it out.  Everyone does.  At least those of us who are lucky enough to get to choose...

The image I keep coming back to is the point in life, when Dan and I are gone.  When we pass away and Harper is at the point where, for the first time, she will experience life without parents.  That's a heavy image for me. 

This post isn't going to solve anything or decide anything.  It isn't supposed to. 

This is just me today, the day after Mother's Day, thinking about what it may mean to not have any more children. 

Readers, how did you know you wanted to grow your family?  When did you know your family was complete? 

Authored by A Swift Doula








8 Comments
Melissa link
5/11/2015 04:51:22 pm

I too had an unplanned, but never for a second unwanted, child. But I was not married to his father and things did not work out. And I have ached for more children since. Now my son will be 8 (!)-Is that for real? next month and I still long to have more and know in my heart that my family is not complete. My son still really wants a sibling too and I truly believe that he will welcome one no matter the age. A friend of mine just welcomed a baby with older siblings 12 and 15 and the baby has been a welcome joy for everyone.

Happy families come in all shapes, sizes, and spacing.

I got a lot of comments too when I would share about my family plans, or when a 'suitable' time had gone on and I had not had more yet and wasn't in the right place to. And as you said, I just let them go because it's not for anybody to decide or judge who isn't in charge of my family plans - which is me and my partner. I have learned that I will know in my heart when the time is right and I have rather enjoyed how much I truly love being devoted to one child. I trust that when the time is right for my family to grow, my heart will know.

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Ariel
5/12/2015 06:46:00 am

Melissa, you just gave me goosebumps. Thank you for sharing this. It is a hard moment, to feel in your heart both that a family is not complete and that it will know when it is the right time. I hope you and your son all the best <3

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Krystal link
5/12/2015 02:51:18 am

This is SUCH a good blog post! I always imagined having a big family with my husband. In fact, it was one of my things I laid out on the table when we started dating! But I hate that I feel maxed out with 2 children right now. Mothering is something that requires ALL of my strength, it doesn't come as natural to me as I thought it would. And I truly get upset by that. Thanks for sharing this blog post. I can relate and will be sharing with my friends.

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Ariel
5/12/2015 06:49:59 am

Yes ma'am - when I am on as a parent, I am amazing. When I am focused on something else, eh...not so much. We went into our relationship thinking our family would grow through adoption, and then I was pregnant.

Life has so many turns!

Thank you for sharing <3

Reply
Lindsey Wade
5/12/2015 06:41:43 am

I chose to have my oldest son at 14 because i didn't feel there was anything left to live for. He has indeed been my greatest accomplishment. There are 6.5 years between my oldest and youngest because i was trying to redeem myself as a teen mom and wait till i was done with school/married. So i was pretty surprised when i became pregnant with my daughter but unapologetically welcomed the idea of having the little girl i always dreamed of. Her father wasn't thrilled and while i was hopeful we could be partners i was prepared to do everything alone. After seeing the love between my oldest son and daughter, and realizing how gracefully i parented 2 children, i longed for another baby from the time my daughter was about 6 months old! I knew from experience i did not want another big gap between my children, as its more expensive and energy consuming. So, i stopped waiting for the right time and made my son with a man i thought loved me ( and vice versa). The baby and my daughter are getting along so nicely, and I've affirmed that parenting is my favorite thing to do. I love ruining around on the weekends to birthday parties, baseball practice, and the playground. I love talking to other moms. I love the challenge of cooking for 3 different palettes. Being a mom keeps me out of trouble. I love thinking of how i can make each day for each of my kids special. That is why i look forward to more. I cannot see this life slowing anytime soon. However, at this time, i believe I've maxed on the number of kids i can raise on my own, so I'm not looking forward to the waiting game.

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Ariel
5/12/2015 06:52:39 am

Lindsey I admire you. You seem to have figured out very early where your strength is and have built up your mom-muscle! Your children are so lucky to have you! I hope you have the family of your dreams <3

Reply
Victoria
5/12/2015 08:15:16 am

Someone once told me that in order to decide if they were going to have another kiddo, they looked around the dinner table. They knew it was time to have another when they felt like someone was missing. I had three kids and my table is now full.

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Laura
5/12/2015 09:53:51 am

I agree. Not just once or twice, since everybody has those moments, but I always had a definite sense that our family wasn't complete yet.

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